That’s Great Slimming Advice Hope You Choke on Skinny Pants

I was doing a little online shopping when I spotted a sale on “shape shifters;” clothes that make you look slimmer than you are. Usually, my “slimming trick” is to just never go out in public and only post 10 year-old photos to my social media accounts, but I was willing to give these tricky smocks a chance. After all, the little extra cushion around my middle isn’t my fault. Why should I have to own it? It isn’t like I invented Cadbury Caramellos. It’s not like I invented Nutella. It’s not like I invented dipping a Cadbury Caramello in Nutella and rolling it in graham cracker dust, sitting it on top of shortbread cookies and toasting it with a marshmallow Fluff on top.

Ok, I might have invented that one.

As I was flipping through the “shape shifters,” I started to notice that, in addition to pushing belly-slimming clothes, they were also sharing tips and tricks to help me create the illusion of thinness. I could be a chubby little Criss Angel. A dimpled David Blaine. Only instead of turning myself into a mystical douche-bag, I would appear magically thinner!

Here was my first tip:

Create the illusion of height by wearing a vertical stripe and being a wafer-thin model.

Brilliant! Why hadn’t I thought of that? All you have to do is look at her and you can see this trick totally works.

And what’s this?

I can look longer and leaner if I melt myself down into a liquid and pour myself into skinny pants?

Why had no one told me this before?

All this time, I’d thought skinny pants were actually “arm warmers” with a really confusing name. Turns out there is a way to get a human leg into them! I mean if this porker in the ad can get into them, how could I not?

I can also “whittle my middle” by wearing mirrored stripes. This works two ways:

1. The shirt gives those around you such terrible vertigo, that they physically cannot focus on your tummy.

2. The dizziness forces them to toss any cookies they might have eaten themselves.

See? This shirt doesn’t just slim you, it slims everyone.

But this last trick I don’t get:

Strategically drape clothing over unwanted pooch?

I love pooches. I’d adopt them all if I could. And frankly, if I did have an unwanted pooch, I wouldn’t tuck it up under my skirt. That poor Pomeranian she has balled up in there has to be uncomfortable. Though, he’s probably warm.

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