St. Patrick's Day: Lucky for some, fatally unlucky for others.
Some might consider that first group to be those who near-empty their pockets o' gold buying thirteen pints of green beer, hoping to charm the pants off some cute, willing ginger lad/lass. I say the real winners are those that spend the day wearing emerald PJs, eating Lucky Charms and watching classic Irish culture films like that 2010 Amy Adams masterwork, Leap Year, the Disney Channel Original Movie The Luck of the Irish and any and or every movie in the Leprechaun series.
Honestly, any of the Leprechaun films would have worked perfect for this column (see, specifically: Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood). But I thought I'd start with the cinematic four leaf clover that started it all. Especially since ... there's a remake in the works?!
Can you say, "MAGICALLY DELICIOUS"?
WHY IT'S TERRIBLE:
- The title is simply Leprechaun. What The Leprechaun was taken?
- The slightly racist title font:
- Speaking of racism, the title character is entirely based on Irish stereotypes, from his garish accent to outfit accents (gold britches,emerald blazer and top hat). I mean, his whole murder spree is based on his failure to obtain gold, a.k.a. source of his magical powers.
- The most lethal weapon against the Leprechaun? A four leaf clover!
- In all seriousness though, a four leaf clover is extremely hard to come by. So, you're kinda screwed. That is unless you "believe." In that case, it will just magically manifest in your hand.
- The second-most lethal weapon against the Leprechaun? Dirty shoes. He can't not stop and polish them!
- One of the main characters is a fat, possibly mentally stunted grown man who wears overalls and is named Ozzie.
- Ozzie swallows a piece of gold after biting it to check that it's real.
- One of the first warning signs the Leprechaun is in the midst? A midday rainbow! Don't you dare think of going after that pot of gold...oh, Ozzie just did.
- In the middle of the movie, someone says, "At least, the worst is over..."
- One of the characters is taken to the hospital about halfway through and is never seen of or talked about ever again.
- There are a lot of sudden edits so as to make the story move along faster. Like mid-conversation.
- A hand-coming-out-of-the-phone gag? That's Krueger's territory, whimsical bitch!
- Did I mention that it's a a horror movie about a murderous Leprechaun?
WHY IT'S AWESOME!:
- Did I mention that it's a horror movie about a murderous Leprechaun?
- The opening lines, spoken by the Leprechaun: "Try as they will, and try as they might, who steals me gold won't live through the night."
- The Leprechaun is played by none other than former Ewok and current Life is Short star, Warwick Davis! And he reprises the role of a lifetime in the sequels as well.
- The Leprechaun's Ellen Ripley is none other than a rich bitch named Tory played by Jennifer Aniston! In her cinematic debut!
- I'm not sure if Tory's style would look more at home on Lana Del Rey or Kelly Kapowski.
- The Leprechaun, before he makes his first kill: “Do you like me gold buckles on me shoes!” Right after: “Do I smell some tea brewin’?"
- The Leprechaun's signature act of violence is random biting.
- The first thing that the Leprechaun does when Tory and co. leave to get her father medical attention (the Leprechaun bit him, pretending to be a stray cat) is take an old tricycle out for a spin in the sun!
- The tricycle becomes his main method of transportation...for a scene.
- Another one of Leprechaun's fave methods of transportation? A rusty old go-kart with the strength of 20 men (it flips a car!).
- Another one of his on-the-go go-tos? A pogo stick. Which he uses it to kill a greedy store owner while singing an improvised chant to the tune of "This Old Man."
- "This old Lep, he played one. He played pogo on his lung..."
- After killing the store owner, he makes a point of polishing the man's shoes. "CAN'T HAVE DIRTY SHOES!"
- Later on, the Leprechaun steals one of those electronic toy convertibles you not-so secretly wanted for your birthday from ages 6 to 11.
- While driving said vehicle, he gets pulled over by a cop, who quips, "Aren't you a little young to be out this late?" The Leprechaun's retort: "No, I'm 600 years old!"
- Lep loves the look of these..until he realizes they're not laced with gold.
- Ozzie, calling the popos: "Help. It's happening. The attack is on. O'Grady farm. Uh, send help. The leprechaun is attacking. Army, navy, guns, marines, and we're gonna need some medicine."
- He may put on an awful Irish accent, but man can that Leprechaun do spot-on impressions of police officers and helpless little girls!
- His other secret talents: skateboarding whilst doing provocative poses (this must be seen to be believed) and ripping cop car doors off with one hand.
- There is an entire scene dedicated to the Leprechaun chasing Tory with an old man's wheelchair.
- At one point, Tory takes out Lep's eye. He proceeds to pull out a police man's as a replacement, yelling "An eye for an eye, m'dear!"
- At another point, the Lepper decides to give himself a once over in a hand mirror. Just to make sure his skin is still leprecised.
- "FUCK YOU, LUCKY CHARMS!" Is the last last major line spoken by the film's precocious tween boy/clover slingshot-rocking savior.
- It is the film responsible for this: