This is going to sound mean (because it is mean) but many child actors are bloody annoying. Not that it’s their fault…the Hollywood system looks for traits in the kids that may sound endearing on paper but in reality grate ones nerves like rusty nails on a chalkboard. That Hollywood only casts kids in roles as precocious little gems doesn’t help – I’m looking at you Jonathon Lipnicki. Sometimes they then go off the rails, as the Hollywood lifestyle is not well suited to a young, growing mind and when everyone starts treating them like royalty it will justifiably meddle with their minds. As a result we get these precocious, annoying, bratty, smart-alec kids who wind-up in magazines being, well, pretty much the same.
Some vanish from our screens the moment they can no longer manage to be ‘cute’ (again Jonathon Lipnicki) and some crash and burn, only making the news when their agent can’t get them out of a drug charge (Haley Joel Osment, Lindsay Lohan), but this article is not about them. Some begin their careers as talented performers and manage to develop into respected adult actors (Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johanson, Anna Paquin), but this article is not about them.
No, this article is about the ones we couldn’t stand, who we were waiting to vanish from our movies but persevered until they proved to us that they could make it in a cut-throat business and win us over. This is an article…about redemption.
Christian Bale
The Annoyance
Yes, yes, I know what you’re going to say…young Christian Bale did a great job in Empire of the Sun! He did, no argument here. But we’re not talking about Empire of the Sun here. We’re talking about Newsies.
The Redemption
Christ, after that he’d have to do something pretty bloody spectacular to earn our respect. Newsies is trite, annoying and for some reason won’t go away. Even Christian Bale has acknowledged that it’s a terrible movie that he should’ve have done, and he was awful in it. So what could he possibly do to redeem himself?
Oh. Never mind.
Drew Barrymore
The Annoyance
In a word? Shrill.
Then she chewed up the headlines with her ‘wild child’ behavior. For those who weren’t around for it she was the Lindsay Lohan of her day. She was the cautionary tale for child actors.
The Redemption
Not much of what Barrymore has turned out in recent times earns her much cred – quite the opposite. Remember a little cult cinema sensation called Donnie Darko? She was in that. A solid performance but it was a supporting role, not really enough to earn our respect. But what you may not know is that her own production company – Flower Films – was the company that brought that film to the big screen. That earns our respect.
Macaulay Culkin
The Annoyance
This kid of the epitome of annoying child actors in his day. Although his most grating film was Richie Rich he’s best know for this:
The Redemption
After a string of crummy movies, a highly publicized estrangement from his father after the old man pocketed most of his earnings, a drug arrest in 2004 and being close friends with Michael Jackson (which looks suspect for any youth at the time) it looked as though he’d be gone for good after his retirement from the profession at age 14. Strangely enough he has managed to slip in some good performances here and there, taking a well respected measured approach to his career choices. His comedic turn in Saved! was very well received.
Seth Green
The Annoyance
Just take a look at this kid…
See? He’s so annoying looking that you didn’t even notice that young Alysson Hannigan is standing next to him
The Redemption
Well…ok, he’s still as annoying as all hell. But he gets points for co-creating Robot Chicken, which lead to this side-splitting sketch:
Dakota Fanning
The Annoyance
It has been a long held theory (by me) that Dakota Fanning is not actually a human but a the result of a genetic experiment designed to create the perfect Hollywood child actor. Talented, yes, but those creepy doll like features and cold eyes are unnatural.
I say we take off and nuke the whole site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
The Redemption
This:
Elijah Wood
The Annoyance
If Dakota Fanning was created in a genetic experiment then the child known as Elijah Wood was spawned from the Stygian pits. You may remember him best from The Good Son where he played the good kid matching wits with the sociopath child known as Macaulay Culkin. Except I was waiting for the twist when Elijah Wood turned evil and bit Culkin’s face off. Also, he was THAT kid in Back to the Future Part 2. Remember…he called the arcade machine a baby toy?
Annoyance? More like Unholy Terror
The Redemption
Nailed it.
Neil Patrick Harris
The Annoyance
No child role is quite as annoying to watch as the super-smart, mature beyond their years yet precocious kid. None fit that bill quite like child-doctor Doogie Howser MD.
The Redemption
You’re expecting Barney Stinson, aren’t you? Yeah, we love him as well. I have the ‘Awesomeness’ demotivator poster on display in my classroom. But what was it that made the geeks really respect NPH? Our new favorite super-villain:
Chloe Grace Moretz
The Annoyance
As you may have guessed there’s not a fondness for the precocious, wise-beyond-their-years child role that Hollywood loves so much around these parts. And the most annoying in recent years was the jumped up little snot in 500 Days of Summer. Don’t get me wrong, she played the role great, but the character was SO BADLY WRITTEN.
The Redemption
Yeah, like we need to say it. But here’s the twist – instead of throwing in a clip of an action scene from the movie we’ve got this behind-the-scenes clip. Watch it to the end. Then pick your jaw up of the floor.
Jason Bateman
The Annoyance
During the 1980s there was a stream of tacky teen comedies with a supernatural twist, and to his credit Michael J. Fox made a mark for himself in Teen Wolf. Then they made the sequel, and Fox wasn’t interested. Enter a young actor who hadn’t quite broken onto the scene yet.
Sadly the awful material would bury his career for another twenty years.
The Redemption
He’s had some success in cinema the last few years, but we know what his big redemption was. Landing the lead role in a risky sitcom that would quickly become a cult favorite.
Mara Wilson
The Annoyance
You may not remember the name Mara Wilson but you’ll remember some of her performances. Matilda, Mrs. Doubtfire, Miracle on 34th Street, A Simple Wish…she was the annoying kid in a lot of popular kids films from the mid-90s. Since then she hasn’t done any movies or television, which would make it difficult for her to redeem herself. Until one internet critic learned an important lesson…
The Redemption
…you don’t fuck with Mara Wilson.
Bonus Entry! – The Olsens
The Annoyance
I’m not going to have a go at the Olsen Twins for the high-pitched work they did way back in their Full House days. They’re kindy kids, they’d have had no idea what the hell they were doing or what the long term implications might be. Everything they did during their heavily marketed ‘Tween’ years on the other hand…
The Redemption
I beat you’re scratching your head over this one. “Where on Earth have Mary-Kate and Ashley ever redeemed themselves” you are no doubt saying aloud. Stop thinking about it – they haven’t. But here’s the thing about Olsen…it’s become a brand. It gets sold with a marketed image. Admit it, when you heard that their younger sister Elizabeth was taken on a serious dramatic role, you laughed it off because she’s an Olsen sister.
Before you hit up the comments telling the world that she isn’t part of the Olsen Sister package, keep in mind that she didn’t have to use the name ‘Olsen’ if she didn’t want to be associated with the brand (just like Nicholas ‘Cage’ Coppola and Charlie ‘Sheen’ Estevez). Most importantly in relation to this article, she changed the way you think of the ‘Olsens’.
Seriously, look at this performance.