I feel so ashamed of my body
I feel unworthy of love
I do not trust or let anyone close, I just want to be left alone
Here in the silence I feel the weight of shame and anger like a brick
I did not learn to be loved growing up in a dysfunctional house
Everything I did or even the things that I never did and got blamed for where always wrong
When they said they where proud, they did not mean it, it was just the robotic answer a parent is supposed to say
Prayers where empty and belittling
Religion was used to make me feel unworthy
My father acted so piously all the time with his nose high up in the air
All the while hiding his demons under my bed….Lurking in the closets
I feel like no matter where I go in the world I do not belong anywhere
No matter how hard I try to be good, it is never good enough to be accepted
What makes me most upset is being exiled from the church because of my parents divorce
I do not understand why they blamed me for it and told me I was a bad daughter on top of me already feeling this way
How could they not see he was an awful father who never let me forget how vile I was
It was not my fault and that is so ugly to call yourself a christian and act like this
I felt as if no one was on my side, instead the people I called friends stabbed me in the back
If church is not a safe place I don’t know where to run
I hate the feeling unsafe
It feels like nothing is safe sometimes
My mind drifts to a world where everything is more beautiful
Perfection holds everything together into a false self
I am drownding in bad feelings
I can not breath…
I can not function
Food has lost all taste
My creativity has run dry
I can’t cover the grossness I feel with my clothes and do not want to leave my house
I feel as a bird trapped in a cage of fear and distrust
Tangled barbed wire in my hair
Stuck to the groud that is falling apart
Nothing to hold onto
I would like to take a moment to let my little child know
Dear Children,
Sweet child of mine….
This guilt and shame is not your fauilt
You are not to blame
You are loved no matter what you do
Love is not to earned
You being yourself is enough
I am so proud of you how far you came
Its safe to let go of bitterness
Hurting no one but yourself
I forgive you today… You are forgiven
You are accepted today
As for the one who hurt you, I can not in my own strength forgive
God, please give me the strength to release the unjust acts of the church, yourself, my father and other men in forgiveness
To be free of this poisonous hate that blinds my vision and keeps you and others far away
Stay strong beautiful soul <3"><3"><3 you are not alone