As May is starting wind up and the heavy hitter films of Battleship, Men in Black 3 and some other non-eessential viewing opening blockbusters, what you should get excited for is the upcoming month of June and the assortment of films that hit about every demographic possible. We are looking at films aimed at tweens, goth kids, ninja fans, apocalyptic genre fans, even fans of male stripping. As usual, there is a whole slew of films that I wish I could see but will have to keep the list of films to those that I definitely will make an effort to see and those that I will steer clear of because I don’t hate myself. I will say that I will gladly see the films I don’t want to shell out money for if I can get some press passes so I can rip on them for the hell of it. It’s a tough hobby/job but I do it for you, my readers. So start saving your allowance and break open the piggy bank, June is going to be a hell of a month.
Also I do realize that there are a lot of other films that are out on VOD or limited release, so I tried to catch the June releases that were interesting and major, along with ones that are just horrific.
Winners
Piranha 3DD (June 1st)
In the world’s wildest water park that happens to filled with inflated boobs and young children, somehow through a magical coincidence and lazy writing, piranha’s have entered the park. That is pretty all you need to know about the length of thought given to this film series (series cause this is a sequel). Listen, I like a no frills movie as much as the next person and the first Piranha was entertaining as fuck, so I am glad they are sticking to the Jaws formula of terrifying fishes killing idiotic people who are dying at an amusement park. I do like that this movie doesn’t take itself serious and also revels in the debauchery that made it the hit it was last summer.
Battlefield America (June 1st)
Oh fuck yes! This is like “You Got Served” and the “Step-up” series decided to open a daycare for underprivileged dance prodigies who must battle for the playground and their 10 year old honor. I am not sure what is more ridiculous, the fact that these kids are hardcore teen gangsters in the trailer or that this movie got made to begin. Suffice to say, I am totally going to watch the shit out of this movie with a 6 pack nearby. It looks ridiculous and the characters are just pint-sized versions of dance movie stereotypes. Count me in for this battle.
Prometheus (June 8th)
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES! Next to The Dark Knight Rises, this is one of the most anticipated films for me this year alone. Ridley Scott is finally coming back to the genre that pretty much made me the fan of science fiction that I am today. Prometheus has been releasing just small tastes of viral marketing, all of which are brilliant, and new snippets of information to piece together the tale of Prometheus. I am like a total crack fiend for anything Prometheus and the fact that the movie is also a hard R rating means we will get the science fiction horror movie we have been waiting so long for. Thank you Ridley Scott, you are forgiven for that shitty Robin Hood movie.
Safety Not Guaranteed (June 8th)
I am in love with the premise of this film. Taking the classified ad joke that was made popular on Jay Leno’s show and then became the but of jokes online, the premise is a wacky, offbeat adventure that has some incredible acting talent in Aubrey Plaza and indie king Mark Duplass. Early buzz from festivals and reviews are touting this as a clever film with a lot of heart and weird sense of adventure. For me, the premise has me hooked and I can’t wait to track this film down.
Brave (June 22nd)
It’s Pixar, it’s their first female centered movie and it’s Pixar for fuck’s sake. I mean aside from Cars 2, they are at the top of their game. I do have a few concerns about the movie, mainly the story line was changed to a more Disney-fied film because of the departure of some of the original creators of the project. What that probably means is that the female protagonist will fall in love with a prince and not become the strong female lead that carves her own path in life and instead must have the love and affection of a male to complete herself. Yeah, Disney itself might actually do that sort of thing and cheapen the movie. Regardless, I am in for Brave.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (June 22nd)
While this movie will usher in the dawn of Hollywood thinking genre mashups will the hottest thing in the world to do and eventually kill it off with saturation, I am excited to see this movie. It’s so farcical and downright fantastic that it’s going to be entertaining. With director Timur Bekmambetov (Wanted, Nightwatch) adding in the visual flair that makes his movies what they are, I am ready for an all out vampire slayfest. Also the book the film is based on is pretty entertaining and interesting read.
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (June 22nd)
When you got Patton Oswalt drinking wine our of a carafe at an end of the world orgy exclaiming, “they will fuck guys like me cause it’s the end of world”, you have money. I am already invested in this movie and frankly, you can just get rid of Knightley and Carell and just have the film be about Patton Oswalt going from Roman style orgy parties to the end of days, I would be perfectly fine with this outcome. This film kind of hits on the genres that I like a lot, particularly apocalyptic films as the turns is more so about just enjoying what little bit of life left there is. I am excited to see something original come out this summer and if it has Patton Oswalt in it, I will cut a check right now.
To Rome with Love (June 22nd)
While I have been burned too many times by Woody Allen films, I was surprised by the recent “Midnight in Paris” and found that the writing was fantastic and a strong return to form with Allen. His films aren’t necessarily divisive by any means, but I think it becomes a bit more ego stroking and self satisfying for him in a few of his movies. To Rome with Love is actually the first film of his that is making me salivate at the prospect of seeing such an amazing ensemble cast such as Ellen Page, Greta Gerwig, Alec Baldwin, Jesse Eisenberg, Allison Pill, Roberto Benigni, Judy Davis and Penelope Cruz, who looks fucking dynamite in that red dress. The writing looks sharp, the comedy is subtle but there, and the cast is just amazing.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (June 29th)
Let me see, ninjas, dubstep, The Rock, ninjas, Bruce Willis, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, ninjas fighting on a mountain, Cobra, more ninjas and Bruce Willis. This already looks a million times better than the first Joe movie that outright sucked hard. This looks like it will make up for the all the shortcomings and be an all out action film. GO JOE!
Losers
Snow White and the Huntsman (June 1st)
I’m sorry, I realize that this might be a decent movie and looks interesting, but when you have Charlize Theron (who looks breathtaking) asking “who is the fairest of them all” and show me Kristen Stewart, you lost me. Fairest one of all, really? Compared to Charlize Theron, Kristen Stewart is the beauty of all the land? I mean if you are using “fairest” to describe the most emotionless, plain, empty vessel person in all the land, then yes Kristen Stewart is a perfect choice. I will not be seeing this flick unless of course I get critics passes or something.
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted (June 8th)
Holy shit, I didn’t even know that this series was still a money maker for the studio. I guess if Ice Age is on it’s like fourth movie, this one does have some life. At least Reel 2 Real is getting some royalties for his song “I Like to Move It”…I hope.
Rock of Ages (June 15th)
Did they just sing Starships “We Built This City on Rock and Roll” as the closing point of this trailer? When you use one of the worst rock songs as voted by numerous publications, I am pretty certain the translation of glitzy Broadway spectacle will not bode well. In fact, this looks laughable to begin with.
That’s My Boy (June 15th)
I actually had an invitation to see an early screening of this movie back in April. I decided that I didn’t hate myself enough to waste the time to see this and even the trailer isn’t winning me over. The sad thing is this will be a hit.
Madea’s Witness Protection (June 29th)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA nope.
Not Sure
Magic Mike (June 29th)
This one I am not certain of. The premise is based on the sort of real life bio of Channing Tatum and it’s about wanting something more in your life than shaking it in front of women and banging till all hours of the night. It seems so laughable and ridiculous that it got made and is part of the summer movie release schedule. Also, I am pretty certain that this will be the easiest movie Channing Tatum or Matthem McConaughey will ever do in their lives. It’s like they were born to play in this movie. So aside from the fact that this is based on real life events, the story has Magic Mike taking a young dancer in the lucrative business of male stripping under his oiled, chiseled wing and teaching him the right way to shake his wang in front of young Florida co-ed’s who are the only people who attend these events. A little bit of embellishing aside, ladies, this movie is for you.