If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
When I first became a mom I was busy trying to make everyone happy and not succeeding at it and becoming increasingly frustrated and in general miserable. It was awful trying to do everything for my family and my husband’s family and always having someone upset with me. I began taking a stand against a lot of people and saying no, enough is enough. My child and my husband are the ones whose opinions matter.
So while I was upsetting people left and right I was also finding my stride and feeling good about myself as a wife and a mother. The people I loved the most in this world were happy and that made me happy. And whenever I see another new mom struggling with being everything to everyone I tell her to stop. You have to do what is best for you.
And this is great advice and stuff I still work at today. However, there are times when I still feel guilt over things. For the most part now my guilt comes when my kids think I’m not giving them enough love and attention though. It’s hard balancing everything for each of my kids and finding equal time. Now throw in business clients that I want to impress so they’ll keep me on and give me more work and I kind of feel like I’m back to where I was when I first became a mom. Because ultimately pleasing clients earns me more money and makes my husband and kids happy. It’s a tough balancing act for sure.
Even beyond that though sometimes there are just some people you really want to have the respect of beyond your spouse and your children. People who probably should give you that respect more freely than others do, but yet don’t. And when they don’t it’s very defeating to experience that sort of rejection.
I have a lot of people telling me that I’m good at what I do. I’m a good person because of my advocacy for childhood Cancer. I’m a good friend because I will reach out and help someone when they are down. I’m a good mother because I will fight and advocate for my children and their needs until the end of time. Always pushing them towards independence and trying really hard along the way to teach them to be respectful. I’m a good wife because I love and respect my husband and do not cheat on him physically or emotionally.
All of these things I am good at. And a lot of times I find a new way that an outsider thinks I or my family shines. At my daughter’s check up the other day the pediatrician asked what I think makes our family a good family. I wasn’t really prepared to answer her question. You know the usual stuff of what she’s eating, how she’s pooping, does she have a car seat, are we safe around the water, does she wear sunscreen, do you read to her? All of those I could answer, no problem. What my family’s strengths are? That one stumped me. Our doctor said she could name off a few off the top of her head about us, but she wanted me to come up with something. I responded with, we do a lot of things together as a family. She agreed that was a good one and then began listing off things like my husband and I are on the same page with things and both devoted to our family. Many times my husband comes to doctor’s appointments (although he wasn’t there that day) and it’s rare that the doctor gets to see both parents. So that is something she sees as a strength. I don’t necessarily think of it that way because I think many other families would do that too if they could, but often times work makes that not possible. But it’s just something that a pretty smart lady values about our family.
What I’m not very good at and where I fail is at being a daughter. This is a very hard pill to swallow. I want to be there for my parents in the way they want me to be there, but I just can’t seem to do it right. They think I put everyone and everything before and above them. That is not my intent. I do put my kids and my husband first, but what I think they don’t know about me is that I do think about them daily.
I think about them when I’m fighting with my teenager and wondering how did they put up with me all those years. I think about them when my preteen is rambling on about some crazy drama that’s happening at school because I know I would talk my parent’s ear off much in the same way. I think about them when I am trying to help my son learn how to write and how to read. I remember my frustration with them when they as two right handers were trying to show me how to make my letters as a left hander, or when I couldn’t for the life of me remember that T-H-E spelled the and I tried to say it phonetically every time I saw it. But the tables have turned. Now I’m teaching my right hand child how to write letters as a lefty and repeating for him the letter sounds that each letter makes even though I know he has to know this because we have been over it a million times. And I think about them every night when I’m tucking my little peanut in and saying good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite. Or tickling the ivories on my own mini giggle monster like my dad used to do to me (pretending I was a piano).
They are such a huge part of why I give so much of myself to other people. Of why I will do anything to help a friend in need. Of why I will fight for my kids education. Of why I am loyal and faithful in my marriage. They were the ones who showed me how important it was to be all of these things. To be hard working and loyal and someone people can rely on. But somehow I have failed at showing them that they have raised me right and I do respect them for all they have done.
I can’t seem to give them what they need or want from me while also giving my kids and husband what they need and want from me. I’m stuck in the middle, between a rock and a hard place with no way to get out. I hope someday they will understand what they mean to me. I haven’t been able to express it to them verbally so maybe this will help them to see what they mean to me. I want them to be proud of me even if I haven’t done the things they have dreamed for me. I want them to see that I am happy even if this isn’t the life they would have chosen for me. The only thing making me unhappy is this feeling that they are not proud of me and think I’m a bad daughter.
And with that I leave you all with a little Stealers Wheel, “Stuck in the Middle With You” because this is how I’m feeling.