Our weekly Dating Dad post by Brian Gallagher
A few months into my first post-divorce relationship my then girlfriend said to me "Do you ever slow down or just stop doing things? You are always moving. Did this drive your ex-wife crazy?" The answer at the time was 'No, I don't ever stop and yes, it did drive her crazy.' *insert sarcasm font* I was as shocked at my answer as you are. Ha!
As a married dad I was always moving, always cleaning, always working in the yard, always playing with the kids, always, always, always because I felt the need to break the silence that existed in the relationship. Motion and action replaced the lack of motion and action in the relationship. As a dating dad I have found myself on the move, always doing something, as a way to break the loneliness when I'm not in a relationship. It masks itself in the sense of duty I have as a father and the only parent that lives within 400 miles of our kids. It is a wonderful crutch and a way to avoid getting into,or staying in, a relationship that involves adult themes and responsibilities. When you are in a relationship with a dating dad you need to identify this behavior and remind him that slowing down and letting go of the duties will allow him to enjoy life and put effort into his relationship with you.
Dads, men in general, have that built in switch in their heads that allows them to disconnect from a situation severing the emotional nature of the situation and focus on the logical action that leads away from the situation. Simply, we shut down, swallow the emotions, man up, move on and ignore. It isn't healthy. It causes us to snap at inappropriate times when we need to be at our best. These snaps often happen when the kids do something minor, say break a glass, and dating dads treat it like the kid knocked over $8,500 Tiffany lamp. Dating dads don't always have a pop-off valve immediately handy. This is where a momish can bring reason and calm to a situation. You can help him by reminding him that life isn't perfect, his kids aren't perfect and that a Tiffany lamp, or a $2 glass tumbler can be replaced but the time as a couple can't be replaced.
If you choose to partner with a dating dad gently remind him to slow down and let go once in a while so that you both provide a loving and supportive model relationship for his kids to look up to and work hard for when they enter the dating world.