So, you’re stuck at home all summer while your friends are off going to cool music festivals all around the world. Who needs to travel when you’ve got a potent imagination and the greatest musical tour guides in history? We feel deeply for you, so we’ve decided to take you on a journey, continent by continent, to provide a little escapism from that investment banking job. You’re an investment banker, right?
North America
Your Guide: LCD Soundsystem, “North American Scum”
What to Expect: As your tour guide, James Murphy is pretty set on keeping you partying in New York. That’s just fine by us, but expect a lot of judgment from foreigners.
Things To Avoid: Anywhere but New York, apparently.
South America
Your Guide: Burt Bacharach, “South American Getaway”
What to Expect: Jauntiness! This track appears on the Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid soundtrack, and it’s bouncy as hell. Enjoy it with a cocktail on the beach. Who says despotism can’t be jaunty?
Things to Avoid: The only lyrics in the whole song are a capella syllables, and that could make you go crazy pretty quickly.
Europe
Your Guide: Beirut, “Postcards from Italy”
What to Expect: Although his lyrics are difficult to decipher, whatever you’re doing with Beirut in Italy is at least worth sending postcards about. Plus, you get to watch him get married under some willow trees. There will probably be booze and various loose Italian cousins milling around the bridal party. Go crazy.
Things to Avoid: Once again, confusing lyrics.
Africa
Your Guide: Toto, “Africa”
What to Expect: Not a ton of sightseeing. Toto seemed way less interested in doing cool things than waiting for some girl to get off of a plane. Even though the song is called “Africa”, it’s more of a framing device for a romance than any specific locations.
Things to Avoid: Toto. There’s no reason to go to Africa just to wait for someone else’s girlfriend to get off a plane.
Asia
Your Guide: Tom Waits, “Big in Japan”
What to Expect: To be treated like royalty. According to Waits, you can have tons of shortcomings and still be popular in Japan. So, go ahead and be the worst version of yourself. They’ll absolutely adore you.
Things to Avoid: If you’re following the example set by Waits, then you should probably avoid appearing like a socialized, functional human being.
Australia
Your Guide: Men At Work, “Land Down Under”
What to Expect: Glowing women and plundering men. Also, after this trip, no matter where you are in the world, people will either think you’re Australian or be Australian themselves. Then they’ll give you vegemite sandwiches and beer. So, all in all, it’s a pretty good trip.
Things to Avoid: The men also do something called chundering. I’ll let you look that one up
Antarctica
Your Guide: Of Montreal, “Wraith Pinned To The Mist And Other Games”
What to Expect: Okay, so even Of Montreal is suggesting that you just pretend you’re in Antarctica, but they also want to have crazy parties with you. That sounds way better than being cramped inside some research station wondering which of your coworkers have been infected by the alien from John Carpenter’s The Thing.
Things to Avoid: Make sure to do a little research into the literary references in the song before you agree to any of the stuff the band proposes. It may be a little more sexually adventurous than what you bargained for.