Yes, indeed, I have already warned family and friends that my funeral service, as designed and directed by me, will be somewhat longer than King Lear but with fewer laughs. However, because I am noted the length and breadth of, well, this attic for my kind consideration of others, I have built into the 'production' at least two intervals. I must confess that having worked on it for several years I thought I had covered everything but then those pesky Chinese pop up and remind me of the one thing I might well lack - an audience mourners! This could be a very real problem because, as I told you some time ago when they announced that the first person to live to 150-years had already been born and that it was ME, it is a dead cert (boom-boom!) that you lot will have popped your clogs long before my funeral. Happily, those 'velly' wise Chinese have a solution, according to The Mail. They hire out 'mourners' who are paid to wail and gnash their teeth at funerals because if the sobbing noise-level - and, yes, that was spelled correctly with two 'bs' not 'ds'! - is insufficiently loud it is considered an insult to the deceased. Well, I know none of you would wish to insult me - sorry, didn't quite catch that - so, darlings, I may well be running auditions for suitable 'sobbers' in the near future. Of course, in view of my projected long life you will need to be young and, whilst we're at it, preferably female, blonde and, er, with extra large lungs, if you know what I mean.
It always pays to think ahead!