EURONINJA
1. EXT. PARIS STREETS, DAY, C.1980
STOCK FOOTAGE - FRENCH POLICE CARS speeding down a BOULEVARD, their sirens at full noise level.
CUT - Our blond, slightly tanned, tan-trenchcoat-wearing hero DIONNET jumps out of a RIVERSIDE CAFÉ. A THUG jumps out. DIONNET instantly punches the man unconscious. DIONNET then stops, mid-way through karate-chopping the air. He looks steely and determined. The title "EURONINJA!!" pops up in lurid, scrawled red font.
NARRATOR (brash, American)
EURONINJA!! Badder than Bronson, Deadlier than Bond, dirtier than Dirty Harry!
2. INT. PARISIAN FLAT
CUT - DIONNET is in his Parisian flat, and opens up his WARDROBE to reveal an arsenal of bombs, samurai swords, nunchuks, grappel-guns and other gadgetry.
NARRATOR (excitable)
Inspector Dionnet was not just any gendarme. He was the last Great White Ninja.
3. INT. TEMPLAR CHAMBER UNDER PARIS
CUT - We see various balding, elderly French monks surrounding a large UN-style boardroom, pitched in the darkness. We see SPECTOR, the Head Templar, an elderly, dignified man in a wheelchair.
SPECTOR (aristocratic)
You, Dionnet are the last in the long line of Knights Templar. You can't spend your time learning the lively arts in Japan when you should be hunting down the ancient treasures of France and its colonies...
DIONNET (cocky)
Just because I was born a Templar don't mean I'm gonna die a Templar, cos I'm gonna die a Ninja!
4. EXT. JAPANESE COUNTRYSIDE, DAY
CUT - DIONNET is seen duelling with a leaping NINJA in a JAPANESE GARDEN. DIONNET kicks the ninja into a pond.
DIONNET (quipping like a low-rent ROGER MOORE)
Mind the water lillies, they might bite!
CUT - DIONNET is then wrestling with a fencing-masked KENDO MASTER, whose sword buzzes with electric current. DIONNET electrocutes the KENDO MASTER by plucking the sword across the fencing mask as if it were violin strings.
CUT - We see some WORKMEN opening some crates. In one of them is The Sword EXCALIBUR.
SPECTOR (determined)
You must find the sword of Excalibur before the distant Japanese sect of Otomu find it.
CUT - DIONNET is fighting KARATE SCHOOLGIRLS in fukus.
CUT - DIONNET is driving a CONVERTIBLE while having a nunchuk fight with the violent, bald burly PASSENGER. The PICTURE FREEZES as the CAR leaps off the road. The title pops up - EURONINJA!!
NARRATOR (stern)
Euroninja - the Last Templar! He makes BRUCE LEE look like a China Doll!
JUNGLE SKETCH
1. JUNGLE VALLEY OF DRUMSHANBO, DAY, C.1970
We see a Jeep, over-filled with a crew of eccentrics driving across some curiously un-African marsh fields backed by dip-dyed paper leaf foliage on broomstick branches. There's the IDI AMIN-esque IDI OTT, a tongue-less ex-dictator turned guide now stuck forever in safari suit and pith helmet. He looks uncomfortable. Then, there's "HAPPY" ROSS, the smiling, nodding gormless young blond assistant wearing a cravat over his safari suit, sided by the burly, bearded American DOC MARINO, the middle-aged, pipe-smoking, safari-suited, fair-haired LORD COE and the fetching young VERONICA, LORD COE's daughter, dressed in a frilly virginal white dress.
DOC MARINO (laughing, bad American accent)
This must be the tribal football pitch. How's our fallen African dictator
IDI OTT grunts.
"HAPPY" ROSS (chirpy, rubbish Cockney accent, holds a GARDEN GNOME that has had its paint flaked off)
Idi says that Doc should not laugh. This is the grave of the fallen virgins. This idol is a sign of the dead young. It's a teddy bear of the afterlife.
VERONICA (screeching, screaming)
I'm scared, Happy Ross.
"HAPPY" ROSS (heroic)
Don't be, they're all dead, Veronica.
LORD COE (holds gun, posh, vaguely camp)
Do they practice voodoo in this land?
DOC MARINO (tough)
There is a form of black magic here. Idi Ott outlawed it, when he was the militia leader.
LORD COE (surprised)
Really?
VERONICA (scared)
Are you sure?
IDI OTT (grunts)
Zangaro!
VERONICA (stupidly)
Zangaro?
DOC MARINO (tough)
Zangaro, a mythical Albino tribesman, part-ape, part-man!
"HAPPY" ROSS (nodding in recognition)
Ah yes, the myth of the Albanian ape-boy!
LORD COE (chuckles)
Ah, that's just an old African wives' tale!
"HAPPY" ROSS (smiling)
Well, as you know, the Soviet Union did set up camp in the Valley, thanks to old Idi Ott here!
LORD COE (angry)
We know. But the Albanian State Colonial Orthodox Territory has been declared "neutral".
DOC MARINO (deadpan)
If it was neutral, why did they tear down the priceless artefacts that formed the Lost City of Minj? They were the oldest signs of civilization in the Valley of Drumshanbo.
"HAPPY" ROSS (easygoing)
There were only a few bits of rubble. All the expensive gold, silver and diamante had been raided and sold off years ago.
DOC MARINO (un-American)
Bollocks!
CUT - A charcoal-skinned, pudding bowl-haired TRIBESMAN, his head peeping out of the paper foliage blows a dart from some panpipes.
CUT - Suddenly, LORD COE is shot in the back and chokes on his pipe. He falls into the foliage. The TRIBESMAN runs out screeching. A snake falls on "HAPPY" ROSS who leaps out of frame.
TRIBESMAN (high-pitched)
Wheeeeeeee!
VERONICA (screeching, sobbing)
Get him, Doc!
DOC fires a rifle that only fires blanks, but misses yet somehow hits the TRIBESMAN.
VERONICA (in fear)
Zangaro! Zangaro!
DOC MARINO (tut-tuts)
Don't be so ridiculous!
Suddenly, out of the woods, a FIGURE IN TORN CLOTHES swings from a vine, then falls. The shaggy blond hero punches the air in front of DOC MARINO, who despite not being touched, feels pain and falls. "HAPPY" ROSS then emerges and happy-slaps the FIGURE IN TORN CLOTHES/ZANGARO.
ZANGARO (in cod-Eastern European accent)
You English?
DOC MARINO (in broadest American accent possible)
Yes, we're English!
ZANGARO (laughing)
You English, me Albanian!
"HAPPY" ROSS (realising)
He's not Zangaro. He's just an Albanian State Colonial Orthodox Territory guard.
ZANGARO (laughing)
Indeed! Gotcha!
Suddenly, LORD COE emerges from the dense foliage, and stands up.
LORD COE (excited)
Did you find him?
VERONICA (oddly calm)
No, just a prankster!
LORD COE (HERMAN MUNSTER-style stamps on the ground)
Darn, darn, darn!
CUT - "ZANGARO" is dragged away by a GORILLA (ie a man in a ragged APE SUIT, his undershirt and trousers seen through the torn fur).
FLYING SAUCER SHORT
1. EXT. SPACE
A typical sub-STAR WARS space battle. Two grille-roofed FLYING SAUCERS with long exhaust-like mounted lasers on each side are seen duelling each other and ramming into each other as they float over PLANET EARTH. They pass a squat cylindrical NASA-type communications satellite. It is what they have been fighting over. One of the FLYING SAUCERS digs its laser right into the center back of the satellite and smoke begins to emerge from the laser/satellite. It appears to be smoking, using the satellite as a cigarette. The front of the satellite is seen burning up like the front of a cigarette.