A star fallen
from the sky
like a pebble
I do lie,
unseen, unheard,
by God and world
I exist,
yes I do,
but what’s the use
when I live not?
It’s not been many years since I wrote this little verse. That was the time when I had not yet started working on my novel, my dream of becoming a novelist was as yet rising up like a timorous flame, unsure of itself and totally incapable of shedding any ray of light towards the trails of future. ‘Patient of Thalassemia‘ was the only identity I had, and it seemed so far overshadowing everything else that a wide gulf of darkness seemed to stretch between me and any other identity i could hope for, a gulf that seemed unsurpassable, except in my dreams.
But as things shaped up, I learnt one thing. One must never despair of anything, because you cannot know what life has in store for you. And if I look at my own experience of the past couple of years, miracles do happen, and they would come to bless you when you least expect them. And though you may never have the sky of your dreams, some bright star may still come twinkling its merry blessing and brightening your life with its gleam.
I mean come on, though I had dreamed of being a novelist, I had never imagined of being a Samsung Mobiler having the chance to try, use and review latest and best mobile phones! But that’s what life brought to me last year. And I do think of it as nothing less than a miracle, and God’s special gift to me. I mean, I stopped going to school after class seventh and did not pursue science after class tenth. And today, I am a tech. blogger, and after winning a blogging contest became India’s first and only woman Samsung Mobiler. If that ain’t a miracle, then what is?
As the verse above will show you, there was a time, not so far ago either, when I despaired of ever having a life. A mere existence was what I had, and existence can turn suffocating you know, when dreams are budding in your heart and your spirit is bursting with desire to fly high . Your own existence can turn demeaning then, unless you can fill it up with a life and a purpose, the promise of which you feel beating in your heart. It’s not good to be aware of your own life dwindling away into meaninglessness. It’s not a good feeling to stay useless when you know you are not incapable.
Though I was pursuing my studies through correspondence, the feeling of competition and achievement was lacking. And thus, even when I studied for my post graduation degrees, it did not really feel as if I was doing anything worthwhile. I was only studying because I had nothing else to do. And when anyone asked me what I was doing, my answer most often was ‘Nothing.’
The change started trickling in since 2007. That was the year when I started work on Dream’s Sake. That was also the year when I started working as a freelance writer, and finally had an identity other than being a patient of Thalassemia. I was now a writer!
And today, as I was doing some housekeeping on Facebook and setting up friend lists and privacy settings, all of a sudden it dawned on me how much more I have become now! And how many different lives I have started living!
I am a family member to the contacts in the list titled ‘Family.’ I am a Thalassemic (but an achiever now, not just a patient) to the list titled ‘Thal. Buddies.’ I am a published novelist to more than hundred contacts in the list ‘Writers,’ I am a Samsung Mobiler and a technology blogger to the contacts in the list ‘Techies,’ and a resume formatter and an official colleague to my official colleagues enlisted in ‘SSI.’
So many different identities, so many different roles, so many different lives. How wonderful! And to think I had once despaired of having any identity and life at all.
God is merciful after all. And it’s so good to be alive!
And yet, I do wonder, if so many lives can rise up in my existence, how many more could normal healthy people have! If only they would keep them alive and not let them dwindle back into mere existence.