Well, howd y’all like that Episode 9? The lowest rated Star Wars Movie of all time is still slipping on Rotten Tomatoes. I dont think its going to stabilize anytime soon. JJ Abrams is now a Serial Killer of Sci-Fi franchises.
Let’s look at the Wake of Destruction he hath wrought.
For Starters; thanks to JJ Abrams 10 years after he lands at Star Trek needs the Picard show to work out or there’ll be no franchise left. Devastatingly bad ideas like the hated Kelvin Timeline are just tying the hands of the creatives. Star Trek Discovery is losing a plagiarism suit to video game and it shows. File it under “not good enough for regular TV” Its bad Star Trek and bad TV.
JJ Abrams unspools the plot of the movie in a shock reveal in a video game. Yup. And if you didn’t play that game he sort of think’s you came in unprepared. Abrams is that dick professor who kicked you out of class as an example to others.
So far since Disney took over and hired him JJ’s been destroying Star Wars. I was stunned how badly he did. I mean, I knew he would fail, but WOW!
I can hold my head up knowing I didn’t waste my money on this Rise of Skywalker turd. Sure it made its Billion Dollars, but it took longer than the other movies to hit the number. The reviews weren’t mixed, they were excoriating. Still, for a day or two the fan score held out on Rotten Tomatoes, then it just collapsed. What went wrong? It was JJ Abrams and his half assed Star Wars vision…or should say lack of vision?
Disney has made four Star Wars movies and only one is good in the form of Rogue One. Solo is at best mediocre and its poor box office take really upped the pressure for Episode 9 to be great. Wow did that ever not work out.
Star Wars is supposed to be about Rebelling against an Evil Empire, not submitting to one! It’s that simple. In this case, the Evil Empire is Disney. Darth Abrams was a bad choice from the word go. The signs were there but people ignored them
He’d failed to end the show LOST acceptably and made perhaps the most anger generating final episode ever. There’s a reason LOST isn’t in re-runs. It was all false canon and zero pay off. It might be the worst series ending of all time. But people convinced themselves he was David Lynch. He’s so not.
The problem is JJ Abrams can only write beginnings, and even then only by creating issues he cant fix because hes simply not that creative. Abrams being stuck in his schemetical “Mystery Box Method” of always doing a shock reveal and the endless lens flare just got old.
JJ Abrams then produced a movie that exonerated William Shatner as worst Star Trek movie writer and director. Awful Star Trek Into Darkness was just a disaster. The word tropes started getting thrown around. If we unpacked it, really its just another one of his high stakes movies where the bad guy has a Death Star like weapon. He lied to the fans to make the story pop more, and fans hated the movie.
Abrams sort of ends up telling people they watched his movie wrong while also saying he actually did blow a few scenes in the movie in the publicity leading up to the release. He apologized for inartful use of a woman getting undressed in front of Kirk. Around the same time people starting listening to his insulting commentary on his first Star Trek movies special edition when DVDs were all the rage. Let me tell you no one can make their own work seem so bland and undercut his authenticity better than Abrams. I did a whole post about him passively aggressively attacking the fans. I lost count of how many times he criticized the show or anyone who’d be so dumb as to watch it, after all Felicity was available on DVD.
His basic jist was – I fixed your lousy Star Trek.
It wasn’t that badly broken. Turning Kirk into Indiana Jones and boasting about it made Kirk predictable. “When he fights doesn’t so much win as gets lucky because he can take a beating” and all the other Indy traits were there too.
At this point JJ had double dipped with Disney and he was pretty much on his way out to go and destroy Star Wars. While we now know its because he cant write, at the time it seemed like he was trying to kill the Star Trek franchise.
A few humiliating TED Talks about the schematic nature of his film making gave away way too much. And it’s now obvious he just has no plan. Its probably why they bought in a different director and writer to write a middle for the series.
At this point some of us realize the movies are just getting worse. And the amount of homework we have to do to understand whats going on starts to really go up and become a boring grind.
Others bash Rise of Skywalker better than I ever can, but we all know that all through this Sequel Trilogy they’ve treated the original characters with great disrespect. Carrie Fisher had to die to be treated respectfully and by then only so much could be fixed. So we wont dwell on the problems Carrie passing caused. There’s no need. There’s plenty else wrong with this movie.
It’s a Fetch-Quest Video game like The Division. Except not as engaging. Thrown together with the highlight being Babu Frick and Power Ranger Felicity. Keri Russell will make a fortune and possibly was on set 3 hours. Its all a joke to JJ!
Soft Death scenes and what seem like true losses of characters are just bought back with little explanation or a bad explanation.
Now we have an insanely bad Star Wars movie I was able to watch online with a few slick moves. EFAP and Mauler on youtube have a combined 14 hours of podcast on just what a disaster The Rise of Skywalker is. One thing’s for sure Star Wars Stockholm Syndrome, while real, was broken to pieces. No amount of fanciful justifications will ever make people see one of these if the trailer is bad again.
Just because the real world is a mess is our escape from the real world to be a mess as well? I wont pay for this until the quality is there. That means 8 weeks of Disney Plus a year to watch the baby Yoda Show at this point.
JOIN THE REBELLION! If you saw this movie dont see it again! And dont stream it! that’s just rewarding Disney and they’ve taken that as a license.
The Last Jedi brutally woke us up to the fact no one had clue how to write this stuff and the Lucas dialog is now sounding a lot better. Seriously we have that much fail here
That JJ was too lazy or damaged to bother giving us a movie that made sense and since The Last Jedi had already shattered some canon Abrams had a blank check to fail. So he did. Every bad thing we heard made it into the movie.
One things his Star Wars movie did at the end was unite the fans in anger.
From Palpatine’s horrible military plan built around shock reveals, to trying to un-do Rian Johnson’s failed vision of an old, cowardly, grumpy failed child murderer Luke Skywalker, nothing worked. Throw in some really bad continuity issues for fun too.
So we got action instead of substance. We’ve got lots of things jammed in together quickly. Like all our heros in one place at the same time. For the first time in this series. At least it was on the Falcon!
Who are these new characters and is anyone else upset they were named Zora and Zaina but were unrelated? Not too creative.
Tales of a better cut of the movie abound. The amount of cognitive dissonance it takes to believe Disney killed the movie or had some kind of hard cap on run time is preposterous. An excellent movie could have flirted with three hours. The idea this horrible movie that makes no sense was made in spite of better product is ridiculous.
He will say we watched it wrong soon. We weren’t wrong, it was the same ending as the Avengers Endgame, just done badly this time.
So much was lost in the shuffle. The preposterous and unexplained journey of Luke Skywalker’s light saber from Bespin to Rey is a novel few will pony up for, and just one of many pay offs that this trilogy fails to deliver.
If your name is JJ Abrams the only price you pay for failure is critical blog posts and youtube content providers killing you. He’s off to destroy DC. It’s a mind blowing end to a contract that probably just should have just been given to Peter Jackson.
I was right. This movie is a streaming rental.
So while the Baby Yoda show seems to be promising, it seems the Marvel People will now get what’s left of Star Wars, and really, its for the best.
Pour yourselves a drink Star Wars fans, JJ Abrams is gone. Now dont be an idiot and pay another hundred bucks to buy the comics and novels they will crank out to try to un-fuck this turd. There should be a price for failure.
If you go out there buying the new merchandise and help them to a point where THIS movie is a success? The movies will keep getting worse.