No cake this week, though there has been another birthday. A lot has gone on this week. Much of it has not been what I'd choose,
but there are silver linings - at least in most things. And whatever
life gives to us, however much we might fight it or wish it different,
life goes on and the sun comes up each day (even on the days we never
see it.)
There
have been moments this week that need no search for silver linings,
that wer joyful as they came. Last week was our older daughter's
birthday, and this week is was my mum's turn. It was her first birthday
without my dad, so one of my sisters who lives much nearer than I do (on
a different one of the Shetland islands) persuaded her to visit for a
few days. She wasn't too sure at first, but a friend offered to drive
her there, so she went and really enjoyed herself. I am thankful for
that.
I'm
thankful for my mother in general, and for how, like my dad did, she
has grown so much as a person in her later years. My parents were
married for over fifty-eight years so it can't be easy to be for her
without my dad, but she's managing so well it is inspiring. Of course
she misses him, but she's so accepting of how her life is now and says
so often that it was the better for him that the end came when it did,
rather than him having a slow painful decline. My mum had her own
encounter with cancer over 25 years ago when she was in her fifties, and
she sees that as something that made her see things differently and
appreciate life more. I think she's right. I saw changes in her then,
saw her opening out. I can't honestly say I'm thankful she had cancer,
but I am thankful that she took the opportunity to grow.
This
week has been marked by tussles with a few people in our daughters'
school. It's been tiresome, and tiring, and some of it isn't over yet.
Partly because of that, I'm not going into details, though I am also
aware that whatever I see in someone else that I don't like is a
reflection of what I don't like in myself. For me, that means that
instead of venting, I'd rather allow my feelings and then look for what I
have been avoiding in myself - and look for those silver linings. There
are many.
- It's
pushed me into facing things I might otherwise have chosen to avoid
both on the surface and at a deeper level. I've been handling the
situation in ways I would not have felt able to a few years ago, and
I've been letting go of the feelings and beliefs that previously would
have stopped me in my tracks. So I feel stronger.
- It's shown my daughters that their mother is willing and able to stand up for them when it is required.
- It's shown them that (sometimes) solutions do come easily and that
getting feedback is better than wondering and worrying or trying to
block it out.
- In the situation where this hasn't yet happened, it has led one of
my daughters to take a look inside herself and see where she would like
to be stronger. That led to us having an important
conversation, and (I think) to her feeling better about herself.
On the themes of mothers and daughters and of standing up for
yourself, I had an conversation with my mum not long ago when she said
she'd always found it difficult to stand up for herself or to express
anger. I learned that too, and it was how I was for many years too. Even
now I don't always find anger an easy emotion to deal with, and I guess
I passed some of this on to my daughters. (Though they are pretty good
at expressing anger towards me or their dad!) I am thankful that over
the years I've stumbled upon a few books that helped me learn new ways. I
wrote about these in Ten Brilliant Self-help Books.
In particular, I am thankful that when the girls were quite little I read
The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman and
Loving What Is
by Byron Katie. Gottman's book describes a process he calls emotion
coaching, were you validate your child's feelings and then guide them
towards appropriate responses. So, for example you might say: "It's okay
to be angry when your sister steals your truck; it's not okay to hit
her. What could you do instead?" When the girls were tiny and things got
heated, often I'd get the
Heart of Parenting out to work out what to do!
Then I read Bryon Katie's book, and a whole new way of looking at the world opened out for me - that it is not what
happens to us that causes our suffering, but our
thoughts
about what happens. This was such a revelation to me, and the more I've
learned to look at life's events that way, the less I suffer. I am very
thankful for that!
Many
people try to think positively about life in an attempt to feel happier
or to get a better life. For some people this can work, but for others
(including me) it has a forced and fake feeling that makes us feel even
worse - and quite frankly it's exhausting! The process Byron Katie
developed doesn't require us to censor our negative thoughts. Instead we
notice them, question them, notice the effect of believing them and how
it would be without the thought. What this effectively does is
transform them with love. I've rabbited on about this before, as well as
about the Sedona Method, the other process I use so much that it no
longer seems like a process I use so much as part of my life - but truly
I am so thankful for the way these processes transformed me from
someone who reacted to life to someone who can deal with the challenges
we've had this week and feel calm and happy even though it's not all
resolved!
If you would like to read more thankful posts or to join in the hop, click on the button below: