Katie Holmes; not pictured: raccoons. Photo credit: theMaykazine
Silly season is well underway. Maybe it’s the heat; maybe it’s because Parliament’s on summer recess; maybe all the journalists are on holiday and baboons are running the news desks; whatever the reason, the press has turned its attention to the weirder side of life. From Nietzsche-quoting footballers to former soap stars who have dedicated their life to dairy products, news outlets are steadily filling with stories that might kindly be termed frivolous. Obviously, here at The Periscope Post, energy levels and commitment remain the same whatever the season. But we’re bringing you the top ten silly season stories anyway. That’s just how we roll.
- Kitler. Once upon a time, there was an abandoned kitten who looked (sort of) like Hitler, and nobody wanted to give him a home. Luckily for Kitler, the British national press picked up on the story, and the animal rescue shelter was inundated with prospective owners; the six-week-old kitten was sent to a “wonderful, loving home”. The end. Oh, and the kitten was actually called Luminus; but “Kitler” is funnier.
- Puppet attacks. Perhaps tired of a life spent with a hand thrust up his posterior, glove puppet bear Sooty attacked septuagenarian magician Paul Daniels. According to Sky News, the BBC children’s favourite threw a pizza at Daniels, who has so far played down the incident: “There was a slapstick scene, I got pizza in my eye. It stung so on the way home that evening I called into a local wonderful village hospital,” he said, bravely. It is not known whether Sooty will be destroyed following the incident, or merely castrated.
- Katie Holmes vs. raccoons. Katie Holmes has revealed that she is afraid of raccoons. Appearing on Jay Leno’s Tonight Show, the former Dawson’s Creek star and current Bride of Tom Cruise admitted that she had once “barked at” a raccoon, such is her terror of the furry scourge. Holmes has in the past been accused of being “bland” and uninteresting, and her career has apparently stalled; the recent revelations will surely change all that.
- Nietzsche United. Following a disagreement with Newcastle United that saw him placed on the transfer list, Joey Barton has reacted the way any self-respecting footballer should. No, not by calling up some prostitutes, commissioning a marble statue of himself or shooting a student; Barton has taken to quoting philosophers on Twitter. To begin, he re-tweeted a quote ascribed to Nietzsche: “The desire to annoy no one, to harm no one, can equally well be the sign of a just as of an anxious disposition.” Emboldened, Barton has moved on to George Orwell and Virgil. “There’s something about Joey Barton,” mused Benji Lanyado in a New York Times blog.
- Snakes on a car. Footage has emerged of a family in the US driving along the freeway with a snake on their car. That’s actually it. Snake. Car. Freeway. Cue Samuel L. Jackson jokes.
- What’s in a name? Zara Phillips, thirteenth in line to the British throne, married rugby player Mike Tindall, in the summer’s second Royal Wedding. But that’s not important: what matters is, will Zara will be keeping her maiden name? Not according to The Mirror: ”Zara is thrilled to take the surname of England rugby captain Mike Tindall after their wedding in Edinburgh this weekend,” reported Victoria Murphy. “She said: ‘I’m very much Mrs Tindall. Just for professional and sponsors I’m going to keep Phillips.’” But Joanna Moorhead at The Independent saw things differently, describing the Queen’s granddaughter as “the first royal bride in history to keep her own name”: “Zara’s message is about identity, it’s about individuality, and it’s about equality in marriage. What she’s saying is that, in marrying Mike Tindall, she’s not giving up the person she herself is,” she wrote.
- In other Royal news… Sticking with Zara Phillips (because it’s not as if there’s anything else going on right now), it seems she won’t be taking a honeymoon. Following their Edinburgh wedding, the happy couple are going straight back to work. According to The Daily Mail, Zara is “disappointed”.
- “One-dog policy.” A Chinese city has banned pet dogs following an outbreak of rabies. But Dr Tang Qing of China’s Centre for Disease Control told The Guardian: “This [ban] is not scientific, not humane, and it will not last long. In short term, maybe it could be effective, but after that, people still want to keep dogs.” Malcolm Moore reported in The Telegraph that dog control is becoming a national trend: “Several Chinese cities, including Shanghai, have recently introduced a ‘one-dog policy’ to limit the number of pets that affluent Chinese are buying.”
- Hey, big spender. UK Prime Minister David Cameron failed to tip a waitress while on holiday in Tuscany. According to The Guardian, he and his family are currently staying with friends in a £9,700-a-week villa. And it seems Cameron will have further opportunities to refuse to tip waitresses: The Telegraph reported that he is planning a second holiday later this summer.
- Free parking. Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has been criticised for parking in a disabled parking bay. The show’s producer apologised after the latest programme showed Clarkson and co-host James May leaving their test cars in the bays. Clarkson has been criticised in the past for making jokes about Jesus and Gordon Brown, both of whom are yet to comment on the latest Top Gear outrage.