On the first day, the 23rd of the month of December, on the road from the city did I go, laden with warm clothes, presents and intensifying thoughts of panic of thinking another CHRISTMAS! This will also change
Next year I am to marry. The woman by my side is the water to my fire, the earth to my air, the love to my hate. To her, Christmas is a wonderful feast of friends, family and cosiness. To me it is a series of social interactions that only make me want to go deeper into my shell. Why, when I have so much to be grateful for, do I find myself on the eve of Christmas certain that it would best for all if I found myself a deep, deep hole that can swallow me up forever more. This will also change
Having survived two days of cruel wind and rain, a leaking roof, bitter cold and several family gatherings, I am still standing…. just. My mind is a battlefield, on one side, with open comforting arm, stands the part of me that I have developed through Vipassana of objective sympathetic observation. On the other my default: standing, sneering, sharpening its knives set on destruction, the beast within. This will also change
On this day, the fifth, 99 years ago the soldiers fighting in the First World War called a one-day truce, rather than firing bullets at each other they shared cigarettes and played a game of football. The inside of my head feels like those battlefields, I feel a strange sensation: peace and calm. This will also change
Early morning on the 7th day of Christmas. The reality of what I have left behind feels far, far away, but to it I must return. Over the last days my love has grown for the woman I am to marry. We have kept each other warm and supported each other through the mine fields of family life. Right now I cannot imagine taking a breath without her being by my side. But soon we shall be apart for sometime. I can sense the beast within relishing the opportunity to strike me down. But today I feel strong in feeling the power of dharma and an understanding of what I need to do to carry on progressing along its long, long path.
This will also change
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