Disclaimer - Some quite explicit language.
In year 8 friendships were breaking down. I was in a large group of friends. All were shy and timid just like me so I felt at home. When their personal issues with each other blossomed it affected me badly. I stayed out of trouble and kept myself to myself. I recall lunchtimes on the field like a battleground of girls screaming at each other. I felt trapped although I hadn't done anything wrong and wasn't involved. This was when I realised I had my first panic attack. The angst(y) environment took me over the edge, I was having trouble keeping my breathing steady (hyperventilating) and felt physically sick. I lied to everyone faking illness because I was afraid they'd start arguing with me if they knew their issues with each other were taking a toll on me. At the time it felt like the right thing but looking back I think I should have been straight with them and maybe it would have helped resolve and restore the broken relationdhip. Then, I received nasty messages on BBM from random kids. They literally tore me down. They made remarks about my weight and loved to call me a 'ugly c***'. How charming?
Not long after food became an issue in the group. Three people were vegetarians which was all good until their beliefs started to have an impact on us. Without realisation they'd dictate on how we were supposed to eat and kind of listed the bad foods such as ham sandwiches, sausage rolls etc. They'd make comments like "AARGH SHE'S EATING A HAM SANDWICHES!" Which were sensitive to the non-veggies like me. I only liked ham or any meat filling in a sandwich out of preference because I don't like fancy fillings like egg. I remember not eating lunch for a week because of these events. My best friend at the time was very good, she took me away from the group just to make me eat which was lovely and kind of here.
The year went by, the group got smaller. I was getting a little bit confident within myself and was assertive when sharing my opinions and was not prepared to let people walk all over me and kick me to the floor. Me and my friend argued more which wasn't like us. We'd argue all over BBM and Facebook. Good old Facebook arguments, classic schoolgirl argument platform. We were quite spiteful and I really regret some of the things I said in rage. I was never one to be able to challenge and control my anger in a expressive way. I still have great difficulty. I rapidly replied to messages without thought. Lots of tears were shed. I knew something was wrong at the time but passed it off as a normal teen thing.
As we entered the final years of secondary school my friend embarrassingly admitted she was manipulated into arguing with me in such a way but I'm as much to blame as well. It was lovely to exhange apologies though. The year was full of predicaments and my personality shone through. I suddenly became withdrawn and isolated from the group and quite honestly felt uncomfortable within the group. I kept my silence for months and the sad thing was no one noticed the pain I was feeling inside. I didn't even get asked if I was okay. This made me feel like nobody cared. Being a phobic person I'm claustrophobic and haphephobic which is a teenager's worst nightmare. Not being able to have that close embrace with my chums when I feel like the world collapsing on me. I only had one friend which I let close and that friendship did not last after this. I was frustrated that no one noticed or considered how I was feeling and how unimportant they made me feel. I wanted them to know. I started saying irrational things. This was when I knew I was getting out of control. Reflecting now I understand the impact and effects of what I was doing, I was delusional. My "friends" were saying hideous things about me without me knowing and even though I'm out of school it is still happening and my ears are burning.
Year 11, the last year of education and the start of celebration of making it to the end of school-life. I was still very much on edge and it went unnoticed. I was paranoid and scared and was adament that someone wanted to hurt me. I stayed unhappy in that group for the September before deciding to ditch the fake friends. I forced myself into a new friendship group and they made me feel welcomed. The best I'd felt in ages but the fake friends didn't stop they were making up empty threats, followed me around and blocked contact with my one true friend which has now given up on me which is okay. I was feeling so depressed and had no appetite resulting in restrictive meals (1 meal a day). I didn't feel like I was breaking through with my new friends because I was so on guard and reserved. I have good friends now. I decided enough was enough and their childish antics had to end in sake of my happiness so I told someone at school and I felt like I was finally getting listened to. Before no one at school had took the time out to listen to me and took my feelings into consideration so my issues would multiply to the verge of a breakdown. Of course I had support from my family but they couldn't stop what was happening during school hours. I worked myself up to state than face to face confrontation was proven unproductive. We did talk face to face to get both sides of the story. When I confided in a member of staff at school it was suggested that I had some sort of anxiety disorder which explained some of the moodswings and the state of panic which I am regularly in.
Factors from each year of experience at school interrelates to how I began to behave and feel towards the later school years. Now that I have a new group of friends which look out for me and support me when I'm feeling low. Although, the are utter pains and blurt things I'd rather not have people know to teachers I wouldn't change them for the world because they're perfect and amazing human beings which make me happy and worthy. Oh and they don't take my nonsense literally which is fantastic. School wasn't too bad their were pretty great times which I would love to share sometime.
I cannot express how thankful I am of everyone that has helped me through the past few years. It was a rough ride. Plus blogging has really brought the happy, bubbly me back and I'm full of life. Despite the rubbish year I've had I think I've conquered GCSE'S and has ended marvellously!
I
wrote this at 1:30am because I feel really weepy at this hour. Aha!
With love
Molly
xx
(I feel really brave writing this and I don't know if I'll regret this).