It’s not that I’m having an identity crisis, although I’m sure it looks that way. I started off as Lauren Michelle on the blog, then changed it to Ren M. Brock — which was actually the URL of my site at one point — then went back to Lauren Michelle, then back to Ren, then back to Lauren Michelle, and now I’m contemplating going back to Ren again. I know. Honestly, I know. It’s just I really can’t decide if I should just keep my name as Lauren Michelle on my blog or change it to Ren for this reason: if I ever start getting short stories and whatnot published in literary magazines, I’d like my name to be published as Ren M. Brock. It’s just weird, because I’ve identified as Lauren or Lauren Michelle for so long, I almost don’t believe myself to be a Ren.
When I think of the name Ren, I think of Shia LaBeouf’s older sister in Even Stevens.
And I am not a Ren Stevens. But, I could be a Ren Brock. I mean, technically it is part of my name. Technically, it is, like, a nickname. Lauren. See? It makes terrific sense.
I think.
Except I probably need to decide one way or the other how I want to, er, “be known.” Because I’m starting to make myself feel like a whack job by changing it around so much. But, you can’t say I didn’t tell you. Because I did. I mentioned, not too long ago, that I have a big problem wanting to change things around, a lot of times back and forth. This stems from some long-ago, childhood incident I’m sure. I know I’ve told you about the time that my mom and I got in an argument about my fickle-mindedness, and even Emily has said that I always go haywire when trying to make big, life decisions. Sometimes even little decisions.
Sometimes it’s easy:
* I made the decision to switch to WordPress. It was the right one. I do not regret it, and I will NEVER go back to Blogger.
* I decided to switch my blog title back to Her Silent Musings. Best blogging decision I ever made. Golden. I will never be known by another blog name. This one’s IT.
* I also decided a long time ago in eighth grade that I was going to be a Christian. I even told Russell, the kid who sat in front of me in Earth Science, all about it. I will never NOT believe in God. He is just there in my veins, in my membrane. And He will not go away. Most of the time by stubbornness, as He knows me too well.
* In college, I wanted to major in English with a concentration in writing. And I did. Even when my parents tried to get me to do other things. I could not see myself majoring in anything else. I learned so much about myself, and I became a better writer for it.
So, you see? I can make big, life decisions, and I can stick with them. It’s just some prove more difficult than others. I guess my biggest mistake has been in not thinking some of them through well enough before making the change. Because then I make the change and start second-guessing myself. And, honestly, I like Ren as a “nick” name, if you want to call it that. Once I thought of it, I couldn’t figure out why no one had thought to call me that for short when I was younger. I mean, it was right THERE in my name, after all. This really all kind of started because of GMail. I wanted to get my username as laurenmbrock, but someone had already taken that. That’s when I decided to try renmbrock, and it was available. So, then I started wondering, “Hm…could I pull off Ren? Could that work?”
Because, I like it. It draws a line between the life I’ve lived and the life I’m living.
Or, maybe I just really need to go see a shrink.