Every Halloween season we squabble about which candy is the best, but most of us have grown out of the trick-or-treating age bracket. Our candy wisdom is being squandered rehashing the same debates about Halloween's most polarizing candy options: Tootsie Rolls, Nerds, Almond Joy, Smarties, etc. We may never agree on whether these candy options are worthy of a pillowcase, and we're overlooking the important conversation we should be having about Halloween candy as adults: Which candy produces the most satisfying stomachache?
Not all candy was created equal, and that's never more apparent than when you're nursing a tummy ache. Certain candy tummy aches provide a strange sense of accomplishment, while others feel like a monumental failing. It goes without saying that you shouldn't make candy binges a habit, but if you're planning on reliving your golden years eating treats out of a pillowcase this Halloween, consider this ranking of the best and worst candies to eat until you can't even think about one musketeer, let alone three.
M&Ms
Stomachache satisfaction: 88%
You can eat a much higher volume of M&Ms than traditional candy bars, so you don't start feeling full until you've eaten in excess of 50 pieces. There's a dark satisfaction in this gluttony. There's nothing like throwing M&Ms back by the fistful until you never want to see a lowercase letter 'm' ever again.
Reese's Pieces
Stomachace satisfaction: 75%
In addition to being pretty satisfying, the Reese's belly ache is arguably the fanciest. When you're experiencing nausea and suffering through the peanut butter burps, you'll remember removing each Reese's piece from its cup and gnawing on the ridges.
Snickers
Stomachache satisfaction: 70%
Snickers are the cinder blocks of the candy world. If the witch in Hansel and Gretel had an architecture background, the foundation of her lair would've been made of Snickers bars. It doesn't take eating very many of these before feeling like you'll never need to eat again. The Snickers stomachache is special because while it's happening, your odds of survival seem slim.
100 Grand
Stomachache satisfaction: 62%
Eating ten of these is the closest most of us will get to a million dollars, so you find take pride in joining a new candy tax bracket while you're taking shallow breaths and hugging your knees into your chest.
Peanut M&Ms
Stomachache satisfaction: 30%
The worst thing about the peanut M&Ms stomachache is how alone you are. Misery loves company, but most people are wise enough to fake a peanut allergy around those candy tumors.
Twix
Stomachache satisfaction: ???
Has anyone ever eaten Twix in such excess that they got sick? Twix are the sherbet of the candy world. The unique proportion of cookie to caramel and milk chocolate render Twix harmless, unless eaten in conjunction with other caramel or peanut-dense candy. Eating a Twix is nice in the moment, but once it's done, it's like you didn't eat any candy at all.
Milk Duds
Stomachache satisfaction: 25%
The only thing gratifying aspect of a Milk Duds stomachache is that is temporarily distracts you from the accidental tooth extraction that will occur when one of your molars gets wedged too deeply in the caramel.
Three Musketeers
Stomachache satisfaction: 19%
We're always too ambitious when it comes to Three Musketeers. That intoxicating, fluffy filling is so decadent, so delicious, but also so damn filling. Halfway into your second "fun size" Three Musketeers, you're sweating, fighting with all your might to remember the domino trail of bad decisions that led you to this moment.
Smarties
Stomachache satisfaction: 11%
Eating too many Smarties - and most other non-chocolate sugary candies - results in the worst kind of belly ache where you want to get up and brush your teeth or build a time machine to go back in time and give yourself a fortune cookie that reads, "Don't eat 17 rolls of Smarties," but you can't physically do anything except curl into the fetal position.
Candy Corn
Stomachache satisfaction: 5%
The candy corn stomach ache is distinguished more by the mental anguish of eating Satan's sugary kernels than the physical cramping you experience as your digestive systems tries to sort out what you've done.
AirHeads
Stomachache satisfaction: -10%
So you've eaten way too many AirHeads and now you don't feel well? That's not good, because you're going to need all your energy to cover up whatever crime you're surely guilty of because no sane person eats a ton of AirHeads. You can't lie down now! Did you clear you hard drive? Destroy the paper trail? Hide the evidence? This is how you're going to get caught! A few years from now a retired detective will recall how during a routine interview at your residence he saw all the AirHeads wrappers in your trash and immediately went to the judge for a warrant because he knew you were the culprit.