Shhh.
While the cat’s away, the mice, so to speak, will play.
You really shouldn’t leave your laptop unattended, Pearl.
Hello! It’s Mary. We’ve not formally met, but you may remember
me from the time I threw a bear out of a party, or perhaps through my love of the paying cleaning job. You may even
recall the commiseration between Pearl and I and our opinions on those who dress inappropriately for winter.
Whatever your recollections, I’ve written you a little
sumpin’. Sit back, maybe make yourself a
nice piece of toast, and enjoy a moment with me and the Old Man.
I’ve named it…
A Moment with Me and the Old Man
Ring-ring.
Me: Yellow...
Old Man: Hey Stinky.
Me: Hey, Smelly. Whaddup?
OM: You know about my company Christmas Party?
Me: I might.
OM: You wearin' a dress?
Me: A dress?!
Let's take a moment
and think about this. A couple things come to mind.
One: I can't remember
the last time I wore a dress. I am
thinking it might have been the late 70's.
Two: The Old Man does
not take notice of what I am wearing whatsoever. Even if I entered a room and
burst into flames, he would look at me and say, "Hey. You know what works good on fire? Water. But
hey, did you happen to pick up those O-rings at the Harley dealer for me?"
This conversation is definitely being funneled through another person, let's
see where this goes, shall we?
OM: Yes. A dress.
Me: A dress like women on TV wear?
OM: Stop it. The Engineer's wife wants to know if you are
wearing a dress.
Me: A total stranger's wife wants to know what I am wearing?
That is just weird.
OM: You are weird. She told Fuzzy that she is wearing a pant
suit.
Note: The Old Man
calls everyone “Fuzzy” since he can't remember names.
Me: Hmmph. Is she wearing a pant suit like Hilary Clinton? Or like Gwen Stefani? This could be a game changer for me. Let's pull her in on
a conference call and get this handled. Wait just a second. Isn't your party at
the Blue Note?
Let's take another
moment. The Blue Note is a redneck bar that is probably used in filming bar
fights in Hollywood movies and since it is the only bar in this particular
town, it is the place hunters stop after capping a deer right between the eyes
directly through the skull meat.
OM: Yes, why?
Me: I was just wondering where I could find a fleece-lined
flannel dress with a gun holster to double as a belt this late in the game?
OM: What is wrong with you?!!
Insert sound of
crickets. Do you hear my eyes blinking? I never know how to answer this
question.
Me: So are you saying my original plan of sporting "The
Winnie the Pooh" is out of the question?
OM: What?
Me: You know. Winnie the Pooh: red top, no pants. The red top
says "Festive" while the no-pants says "Confident". Besides
the no-pants look is always fun for party pics.
OM: There really is
something wrong with you. Gotta run.
Me: Alrighty then. Buh-bye.
Communication is key. And it looks like I need to go out and find a nice red top.
Happy Holidays, everyone!