Have you seen those nature shows about penguins living down in Antarctica? Maybe this does not necessarily pertain to the Antarctic penguins so don't quote me on any of this. Anyway, the mama penguin sits on the egg or the baby penguin (clearly, I'm no expert) for several weeks or months (?) while the daddy penguin is out fishing. Then when he comes back, somehow they swap the kid over and the mama goes out into the fah-reezing cold ocean to catch her own lunch. The point of this no-where-near-accurate non-NatGeo diatribe is that Tuesday afternoon I was the mama penguin.
In August, even though originally I said I was going to keep Mayhem with me the whole time, I started dropping him off at the nursery at church. He'd gotten big enough he was starting to be fidgety and somewhat loud at times and I was worried that he was disturbing the people around us during the service. Not to mention the fact that I wasn't getting anything out of church besides wrestling with him in my nice clothes while trying to be quiet.
I felt comfortable leaving him with the ladies in the nursery after spending a week around them helping out down there during VBS. I knew he was in loving and more than capable hands. The first time I left him I thought, "I wonder what Mayhem's doing?" the whole time we were apart.
At 10:30, between preaching and Sunday School, I always go to the nursery to feed him while everyone else is changing services and visiting, so I'm never away from him more than an hour. I've been pretty comfortable with this arrangement even though I worry about how I'm going to get him back into behaving in the sanctuary now that I've quit even trying. I'm probably over thinking this a little, right? I've probably still got time.
Recently, though, I've started thinking that maybe I need a little more time away from Mayhem. Boots has suggested this on several occasions, especially when I get a little stressed and at the end of my rope, but I have been unwilling to even consider the idea until these past few weeks. I know I've said before about Boots that when he looks at me like I just fell off Mars and "that is a ridiculous idea," it's only a matter of time before he changes his mind and acts like the idea was his in the first place. That statement is probably true about me as well.
It's not that I don't trust people with him. It's just that I want him and I need him and mine mine mine mine!
I'm worried that maybe I'm too attached to him and too dependent on him and that can't be healthy. Do all mamas feel like this? I don't see how mamas that work and send their babies to daycare do it. I'm positive it would break my heart. (I'm also worried about being cooped up in the house all day every day after the cold weather comes, but SAD is another story.)
Tuesday I needed to go to town to the grocery store. Boots was coming home from work early in the afternoon and suddenly I had the bright idea to leave Mayhem with him so I could make a quick trip by myself. I knew Boots would love the time alone with Mayhem so I was a little surprised at my reaction when he said he'd be glad to stay home and play with him rather than go deer hunting, which he probably already planned and really needed to do. I cried a little. It made me sad to think about being 20 miles away from my baby.
So I hurried out the door right after Boots walked in and didn't even leave any instructions because, control? I need to learn to share it. A quick kiss and bye-bye and I was on my way with my nerves and apprehensions about being out in the world alone without my little parasite. ;)
I was determined to make it a quick trip though and I soon forgot about my anxiety when I started rushing around Target and made the executive decision to skip Publix. On the way home I listened to the radio as loud as I wanted to without worry of little baby eardrums. By the time I got close to home I sort of felt like my old self, the pre-baby me.
I was gone an hour and fifty minutes. He didn't cry the whole time and probably never realized I wasn't there. It was good for all three of us for me to get out for a little while, but mostly good for me. I'm not making any plans for this to become a regular occurrence just yet, but who says I'm not open to the possibility? Especially when I need it, since I returned refreshed and reenergized.
Baby steps, ya'll. They're for mamas too.