“….Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9
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Last Wednesday night I woke up at 3:00am and had a full blown (silent) panic attack. Brett slept beside me, quiet as a mouse, and I started praying one of those desperate prayers that just sounds like: Help. Help. God, seriously, PLEASE HELP.
It all hit me in the middle of the night like a ton of bricks.
I’m weaning Everett.
We are moving from our first home.
I am going to Africa.
And all three of those things are happening in a span of eight weeks.
It’s….a lot. A lot for my heart, my head, my emotions, my sanity. I’m not usually the worrier type, but part of me is worried about all of this. Two days ago, I nursed Everett for the last time, and while he seems to be doing just fine with the change, I’m a little paranoid that my hormones are about to go crazy. We move in two weeks and I haven’t packed a single box, which is so unlike me, and yet, how in the world are you supposed to pack boxes with a one year-old crawling around? Our trip to Africa is seven weeks away and the reality of that time frame is starting to hit me. I’m going to be away from Everett for two weeks and the closer I get to that date, the more I start to panic.
All of these things are, of course, very exciting and wonderful as well. I’m excited to close the breastfeeding chapter and wear pretty bras again and leave Everett with my parents overnight so I can sleep in past 7:00am. I’m excited to move and redecorate and have a backyard and a dining room and do things like host dinner parties, which were always hard to do in this house. I’m excited for Africa, to experience a different part of God’s creation and meet beautiful strong women and encourage them and be encouraged by them and feel closer to God and use my gifts to serve others for a dedicated period of time.
All this being said, I feel like I’m the verge of a nervous breakdown and also on the verge of a major breakthrough.
This summer is going to be a season of change, and I don’t always do well with change. Sometimes change makes me cry and yell and slam doors and eat too much sugar and go two weeks without shaving my legs. I’m not proud of that, but it’s the truth. And because I know this about myself, I am trying to be proactive and take a step back from things that will cause me stress during that time. I don’t normally consider this blog stressful, but I know that the pressure to regularly write coherent sentences and produce pretty pictures will probably be too much for me in the midst of All The Change.
So I’m doing something I have never ever done before and I am giving myself permission to take a break from this blog. It’s going to be a crazy summer, and I have to let something go a little bit so I can make room for breathing and eating and praying and (hopefully) shaving my legs.
I have a few (just a few!) guest posts lined up for the summertime, and I hope you enjoy reading their stories as much as I have. I might pop in occasionally with a quick thought or something lighthearted, but for the next couple months, regular blogging here will slow down. I hope to be back in full force come fall with tales from Africa, decorating progress at our new place, and lots and lots of pictures of Everett (obviously).
If you want to get in touch with me over the summer, I love e-mails and they are always welcome (ashlee.gadd@gmail.com).
And here is where I offer up the comment section to all other mommas who are simultaneously experiencing nervous breakdowns and major breakthroughs. What is your best advice for a) weaning, b) moving with a baby, and c) leaving your baby for 1-2 weeks?
I need all the help, advice, and encouragement you can pour out today. Thanks for sticking with me.
Love, Ashlee