'I’ve found a lump'. There is something about that sentence isn’t there. Something that removes the oxygen from your lungs and leaves in it’s wake a burning in your chest cavity. Something that defies fear. It is in another realm from fear. It is terror. Especially when that sentence comes from a dear friend, or your mom or your aunty. There is a complete absence of proper feelings or emotion. In place of emotion there is just the bright glare of panic and a tingling as every inch of your body silently screams. God no.
There is a deafening quiet and a keen attention to detail. You could hear a pin drop down the hall. Your eyes strain into sharp focus, in the hope of seeing another reality. Any reality but this one. The air crushes your throat and your ears, as adrenaline pumps into your bloodstream; alerting every cell.
But what do you do. How do you respond to those four powerful and terrifying words. Four words that possess the strength to cut you at the knees and leave you bleeding all over the sidewalk, or at your office desk, or any place where this news is soul-crushingly delivered.
The answer is simple...You say all the right things. You say all the things she needs to hear, because that is your job. You remain scarily calm, and you state the facts and you weigh up the options and you tell her ‘ I love you and I’m here’.But inside, your body is calling, please god no, please god no.
In that moment we lose something that we will never hold dear again. A peaceful ignorance. There is a locked box in our mind, full of all the things that will never happen to us. And for the first time, or maybe the second, we are forced to open the lid and lean over the side.To remove something from that box and place it, reluctantly, in the forefront of our mind. Plant this dark rose in our bed of sunflowers and pony rainbows.
And then what. Once that dark rose is planted, then what and how. Well, in my experience, you tend your garden, turn the soil, prune the sunflowers and marvel at the pony rainbows. And accept that this rose will always be there. It just will. It is now a part of you. And if you ever hear those four words again. That rose will open, lean towards the sun and give you the strength to carry on breathing. And to say ‘I love you and I am here’.
Ladies, get a breast check. Doctors provide information sheets on how to do it yourself at home and in the shower. It’s never too early to start and it could save your life.
I want you all here with me, because I'm selfish and needy like that ;).
Much love and kisses to all my girls XX
The New Zealand Breast Cancer Foundation