The other day I went for a run. If I'm being honest I don't run much. I prefer to dance. But after a particularly heavy Italian dinner and three glasses of rich red pinot, I decided, on this day, I should run.
And even though I don't run much, because I prefer to dance, I realised that I always run the same road. Most people pick a different route every so often, but I never do.
Which is strange, because when I used to run this route religiously; when I ran every day, because I had yet to learn to dance, I was sad.
I would run to find peace. Because I was sad and lonely and particularly heartbroken. I ran because I was lost and very very unsure of my future.
As the sun shone, or hid behind cloud cover; as the trees of the park swayed and bounced in the wind, or watched on in stillness; as the light rain fell upon my face, or the dry grass crunched under my feet. I ran and ran toward the mountains. Hoping to run from all that made me sad. Hoping to find something - anything - in those mountains and that country air.
And memories are strong aren't they.
Because even though I am no longer sad or lonely - but always a little lost, always will be - I still feel my stomach pull and twist. Feel the tightness as I ease the car into my usual spot and stare down that road. I remember all the moments and I feel all the feelings again as if it were yesterday.
I unearth the sadness from a hidden place.
So, why would I keep coming back to this road? Why would I keep subjecting myself to those memories and those feelings?
I think it is my soul that would continuously carry me back to this road over and over. I would arrive without thinking. And most things we do without the input of our heads are from another special place.
My soul would say:
'You've still got some work to do. You still need to feel those feelings and remember those memories. You have to run this road so that one day you can stop running from the sadness. You need to embrace this, as an important part of your journey, to become the woman you are destined to be.'
So on this day, after the particularly heavy Italian meal, I walked the road instead. I marvelled at the hills. I stood by the creek where I used to let my tears fall into the flowing stream. Where I would watch as they were carried over the mossy rocks.
I walked the road and I felt the feelings deeply. I felt my heart break and my scars tear. And you wanna know the crazy beautiful thing. It felt kind of good, in a painful sort of way.
And then I walked past the dairy that has the really good hot chips with the chicken salt. And like a gift from the gods, my eftpos card was in my jacket pocket.
So I sat in my car, in my over-priced work-out gear. After not having been for a run, because I would really prefer to dance. Even after all the heavy Italian food and the glorious half bottle of pinot, and I ate the really good hot chips with the chicken salt and thought about love.
I thought about all the things they don't tell you as a little girl.
They don't tell you that it can be hard-fucking-work do they. They don't tell you that love comes in many forms and you will experience some of them, at one time or another, if you're lucky.
There's the love that is new and unsure - is this love? It feels pretty damn good, I think it might be.
There's the love that relies strongly on need - it is set on a very weak foundation and it often doesn't last forever.
There is the love based loosely on a friendship. It is a shelter from the cold winter winds and the angry mid-morning rain storms.
Then there is that delicious physical love. Where you sit close to each other in a bar on your first date, sipping wine and staring into each others eyes. The one where you rest your knee between both of his and wonder if breaking your no-sex-on-the-first-date-rule is such a bad thing. Because life is short.
Some would say that these are not real loves. I disagree. They can feel very real at the time.
And then there is the love that often comes after all the others. It arrives when you decide that maybe, you will just get a dog and a fabulous kitchen and be done with all the rest.
Because those heartbreaks, well they just leave you so awfully tired.
But the universe often has other plans.
For me, it decided the time had come to experience a different love. One that would come from the most unlikely person.
To be honest I thought he was weird when I first met him.
He was sweet, but a little weird. But I talked to him, because he was kind and I am kind, and very polite. And my how his weirdness intrigued me.
And it didn't hit me over the head or leave me gasping for air. It crept upon me slowly and then washed over me like a salty wave. I swam in the sunshine sea and I didn't want to get out. But my goodness was I confused and unsure. Was love supposed to feel this lovely?
Wasn't it supposed to be all passionate and insecure. Full of those looks that scream 'I love you, but I don't know if you are the one.'
Instead, this love whispered 'I've been searching my whole life to find you, and now, I'm not going anywhere.'
It lulled me and said 'I think we met each other in another life. We may not have been lovers, but we knew each other well, because my soul knows your soul.'
It's the love that is different to all the others. It can handle your sadness and loss and your immeasurable, unspeakable sensitivity.
This love, loves those things as much as the wide smile that hides them.
This love doesn't take the pain away. Instead, it will hold your hand while you sit in the car and eat the good chips with the chicken salt. It will rest on your shoulder as you ponder all the other loves.
This different love, it's not here to save you. It is here to remind you that you don't need to run away anymore. And you will never have to dance alone again.
XX