I sit here and look back.. so much has occurred yet so much has been removed.. On this date I woke up only to realize this was the moment my mother had suffered a cardiac event that eventually opened her up to leave this existence. My brother found her that morning and in that moment of him walking in her door to find her past the cardiac event at 11:38 am that morning. The phone call from him that morning sent me spiraling. Cause I felt it that morning, I felt her heart attack her and felt her fight to stay so she could find a way to heal us all… I was just not staying in how it felt then. I am not sure I even remember saying anything or ever getting to the hospital. I do remember finally seeing her next in icu on life support. I can still hear and feel the machine going next to her and seeing her in a state that I am not sure if she would stay here, would she be the same. Unknown and not needed to even speculate the what ifs.. or could haves or why didn’t I…
The weekend before this event, she came to our home with my brother. Her spirits seemed light even to the point that she wanted to walk my dog Rocky which was something that had never happened. I remember her saying do I think Barack will win. I said I didn’t know… Her exact words.. I will never be alive to see a black president… This echoed in me as Over the next 2 and a half days after we found her we would keep her on life support.
We decided to stop it and in that moment we did, her heart kept beating like it always had for her kids.. we struggled to face this together. My brother, myself and my sister were so ripped apart not together which I believe is what she wanted for us. She grew up with a very strong connection to family. The strength of the connection to family was always there for her inside. I don’t know what happened when they decided to leave North Carolina and move to Michigan to build a life together or why my parents realized to stay around family in a sense wasn’t allowing us to be educated in a world that in order to live better you had to have the education and experience to know there is more..
This education and experience was her sacrifice for us. She believed in us not struggling or suffering in knowing what they know.
They know… IYKYK
yeah to say it hurts.. not because it wasn’t the truth. In fact it was the exact truth. The truth which was lost in one space only to find the same loss in another space was almost to much for me to see then.. it wasn’t about what I needed to see.. it was about what I needed to FEEL..
Pain is the answer.. the answer to how we connect, the answer to how we love in that connection, how we love is not without pain but very much deeply rooted in how you love in either giving or receiving your pain is the KEY.
Pain requires the knowing that vulnerability is needed to heal. You will not and cannot heal without vulnerability. Vulnerability is our ability to express our feelings without judgement, without letting thinking dictate who is going to accept you, how will they accept you or reject you or abandon you.. if you have thinking that tells you what will happen if you open up you are in full abandonment, rejection and betrayal of your own feelings if you let your thinking dictate TIME..
Do you see how much deeper you reject yourself in knowing that there is no future to physically touch, just as there is no past to physically touch. Your mind is not you!
You tell yourself the outcome in an effort to be right or avoid being wrong. Being right is the furthest point away from your feelings. That is to say further away from your deepest truest feelings.
You will not let yourself have connection to anyone or anything if you are not able to be vulnerable just for yourself. If you are not vulnerable for yourself you will not be open to love, open to connection, open to what you are in truth to the deepest purest level.
This is a call to you inside!
Stop rejecting your own pain, stop hiding your own hurt, stop ending things because you need to heal. Healing isn’t hiding, healing isn’t selective in who is there for your healing.. healing is the embracing of your pain and hurt by allowing connection to happen for you and to you!
You are not what has happened to you that you keep staying stuck recycling pain to recycle your thinking that keeps you disconnected from all the magic that can be connection to you in the deepest space of love. If you are with someone and they aren’t being vulnerable with you. YOU have a choice!!
Will you believe they love you in any space. If they say to you I can’t be vulnerable with you. Know that this is their truth. It asks you something very deep inside. Can you ever feel love from this person if this is the experience they are having with you? you can hear the answer inside of yourself.
This has happened in so many ways we stay separate from each other.. we don’t realize how we weren’t or are vulnerable until we lose that person completely and permanently.
This is the awakening of what you ignored and told them you love them with.. you loved them with the deep feeling vulnerability has but then locked it up based on too much thinking and not enough feeling the other could feel.
Healing is the answer.. Don’t run away…again healing means stop hiding your pain, stop hiding your hurt, stop hiding that you have thoughts that are dictating to you all the disfunction you have had in your life is being reflected onto the one person who is being vulnerable to you when they are showing you the love you have always needed and wanted.. realize not giving it back to them isn’t why you lose them.. you lose them cause you didn’t give this to you in the first place for yourself. Your ability to trust someone with your vulnerability starts with how you treat it inside of yourself. You will never heal without this deeply connected within your pain truth!