MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981)
DATE RELEASED: February 11, 1981 (U.S.) / February 13, 1981 (Canada)
DATE WATCHED: February 11, 2012
WHY NOW? With that day where all elementary school kids have to pretend to like each other in exchange for candy coming up, I have been craving some suitably-themed fare. This seemed like a natural choice, given the title and subject matter. (Also, I already watched my regular V-Day go-to, 2001 David Boreanaz slasher Valentine, two weeks ago. )
WHY NOT THEN? Unfortunately, I wasn't even an atom when this Canadian horror classic (shot in Sydney, Nova Scotia, yo!) was released. I was around for the 2010 remake though, and unlike many other reviewers, I found it to be frothy, fucked up fun.
EXPECTATIONS:
- A plot pretty similar to the one in the recent 3D adaptation - a miner taking revenge on the people involved in a horrific underground accident a decade or so ago.
- Said minor wearing his old-school mining outfit while killing not-so-innocent townspeople.
- A hospital-set massacre of some kind.
- A haunting, Prom Night-esque soundtrack. (It was done by the same composers.)
- Lots of epic, V-Day-centric puns, used to describe the wholly unromantic events.
- Some vaguely recognizable B-list Canadian actor that I have to IMDB in order to realize I don't actually know them or their generic name.
- At least one literally ripped-out heart. And a whole bunch of other, totally apt and brutal kills.
- Some super unflattering '80s sweaters worn by not-quite-good-looking, yet overdeveloped girls. Hipster flannels and Chuck Taylors on the just-mediocre guys.
- At least some traditional, early slasher POV shooting. Perhaps with heavy breathing, made even heavier by the gas mask.
WHAT I ACTUALLY GOT...
- A epically cheesy title card in which the Os in Bloody were replaced with animated hearts.
- A highly suggestive opening sequence in which a yellow-teethed blonde fondled the hose of a gas mask (ewww) and then got a pick axe to the tattoo heart, which was conveniently located right above her actual heart.
- So many ripped out aortas I lost count.
- A town called - get this! - Valentines Bluffs.
- Lots and lots of V-Day puns, found on valentines sent out to the killer's various soon-to-be victims.
- A gas-masked villain named Harry Warden, supposedly traumatized from getting trapped in a mine with a pile of dead coworkers (and then having to eat them to survive!) 20 years back.
- The dead-old-lady-in-a-dryer gag! And my 12-year-old self presumed that was a I Still Know What You Did Last Summer original!
- Some terribly overwrought acting on the part of the wholly unrecognizable cast. That might sound like a criticism, but considering its a slasher movie, it was perfect as it took the already over-the-top story to a guilty pleasure precipice.
- Some definite Nova Scotian accents. (Maritime pride!)
- Tons of POV slasher shooting, complete with the gas mask breathing.
- More chest hair than a Bee Gees concert in the 1970s.
- A slightly too-long finale, with a sudden, ill-explained twist that no one could possibly see coming. Although, it was a lot better than the "He's got a split personality!" end of the remake.