You see, no matter how many happy pictures I post on the blog or social media, how I seem to have it all together, how my kids appear to be good and decent all the time, the truth is my life is just like any of you. I deal with incessant tantrums and whining, I break up fights every day, I struggle to keep up with homecooked meals, I do takeaways when I am lazy, I don't have enough time to teach mys kid homework or craft with them, I wish I can sleep in every morning but I can't, I use social media as an escape at times, I appreciate a good shower, I lose my cool now and then, I wonder why I lost my cool after that, I tell myself to do better and be a better mum, only to fail myself again the next day. This motherhood journey is a relentless learning journey that never fails to throw me curve balls and reminds me that it is unquestionably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
Perhaps it's PMS. Perhaps it's this solo parenting gig that's wearing me out. Perhaps it's just me, someone who needs to have an emotional release every now and then.
Tonight, I cried in front of the kids.
I never ever liked to do that because I don't like them to see this fragile side of Mama, I don't want them to worry for Mama, and I don't want them to feel like they are a burden or a pain to me.
It's just that when all three of them take turns to act up, talk back, disobey my instructions, bicker, scream, refused to help with chores or just rudely ignore me, it all got a little overbearing after I did what I thought was my best to teach them, cook for them, play with them and be with them. Being a stay-at-home mom who is usually alone with the kids, I mostly love my role but I have to admit, it drives me insane at times and challenges me in ways that I can never expect.
I am not a perfect mom and I will never be one.
As much as I try to be a good one, there will be times when I doubt myself and ask myself if this is all I can be. So I want myself and I want you to know, it's okay. Some days are just tougher than the rest but it doesn't mean we give up, it just means we have to try harder today than we did yesterday and hope that tomorrow will be a better one. There's always hope in my heart and I wish I will never lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. And the good thing is, our kids are so forgiving and they don't bear overnight grudges towards us, right? At least, I hope so, haha. So, if today hasn't been a good day, let it be a chance to learn, a chance to make mistakes and a chance to grow, and let tomorrow be a chance to try it all again in the hopes of becoming stronger, better, wiser.
Kids will never listen to us all the time, if not, they are just robots. This was exactly the same thing I said to the hubby when he too lost his cool over the weekend and shouted his lungs out at them for not listening. I mean, we all try our best to teach our children and hope that they turn out to be good, obedient, kind and nice people, at the same time hoping that they will be resilient, tough and be able to overcome life's obstacles. How then do we expect them to do so if they don't challenge boundaries, take risks and be opinionated every once in a while? I'm pretty sure despite my primary school report book being filled with comments like 'a quiet and conscientious pupil', growing up, I could be quite assertive at home, I got into fights with my brother, I shouted at my mom and I even ran away from home once. My kids, they are just normal, like me.
No one can keep it all together all the time, no one.
Keeping it all together might not be the best way if it means you are holding back your fears, worries and tears. If anything, I would rather I find a way to let it all out every once in a while, a healthy way that does not hurt my relationship with my loved ones but helps me to pull myself together after that. So yes, today I'm telling myself and you, that it's okay for mums to cry. It's okay for anyone to cry when they have had a bad day. Don't dismiss someone's troubles as trivial and don't say that it's not worth crying over. I, for one, can't help it but say to my kids at times, "Like that also must cry?", "You don't need to be scared", "It's not worth it to feel sad over this" and I've realised instead of dismissing their fears and worries as insignificant, I need to first acknowledge these emotions, let them sink in, and let the kids know it is okay to feel that way before these negative feelings get dispelled. I need to motivate and help to build confidence in each of the kids, but first and foremost, I don't forget about me. I need to encourage myself to keep going and learn to acknowledge all the emotions I feel, regradless if they are good or bad. Don't just focus on the good ones and sweep the bad ones under the carpet - they all need to be felt and recognised. If not, I think I might jolly well implode one day and that's not a good thing, right?
Tears. They help me to put things and put my life in perspective. And so does writing, which is why I still keep up with blogging after all these years. If exercising is your way of releasing stress and feeling good about yourself, do it. If chilling out with girlfriends and pampering yourself is your way, do it. If staying up to watch Netflix after the kids sleep or having some me time just to surf net makes you feel better, do it. I think we all need to find a way to make ourselves feel happy in our lives and find one way or another to recharge ourselves when our batteries run flat.
There, typing it all out makes me feel so much better now. Seeing my hubby return home, despite it being near 2am, and eating the dinner I cooked just now makes me feel better too. Knowing that the kids are all soundly asleep and I can go watch an episode of Riverdale makes me feel happy too. Today might not have been the best day for me, but it wasn't that bad because I think I learnt something from it all and I'm now more determined to make tomorrow a good day for my kids and for myself.
I might not be the perfect mum, but I know I'm still the perfect mom for my kids in their eyes. I am not a bad mum, just probably a good one who has had a bad day - and there will be countless more to come. This is me, all of me, a mom who loves her kids, loves life and is learning to love herself more too.