Last June 13, Saturday, we celebrated Nate's birthday. But his real birthday was on June 18 and we will celebrated it in Manila with my family.
In planning for Nate's birthday, I only want a simple celebration of family and close friends and when I learned that we had many guests, I told John why do we need to have a lot of guests for Nate's birthday. I don't think I received an answer from him. Two weeks before the celebration, I know God is talking to me telling me to share God's goodness during those difficult times. A few days before, John was asking me if he would do his testimony. If you're wondering what kind of testimony we're talking about, it is sharing to the public about how God's glory was revealed in every situation and every circumstances.
But last June 13, I didn't feel like sharing and so does John. And when our Pastor started already with the child dedication, it was obvious that not everyone was listening. In fact, I felt that most people are not actually listening at all (the fact that I don't want to invite so many people). John and I felt that it's not the right time to share our testimony. But I told John, I have a blog. What in the world is my blog for. I will share it here where people who randomly visit my blog can actually read it from all over the world at anytime and any place.
For the past twelve months, I have been asked by people if I breastfeed Nate. It was a common and obvious question. I'm certain mothers who have 6 or 8 month old babies would have been asked the same question. But every time I remember that Nate was in the hospital and every time I'm being asked if he's breastfed, I feel guilty. And there's no other person to blame except myself. Two words: guilt and blame. When John asked me about it, I said I'm alright with it already. But the truth is, when I started to think about what to say, I realized that I wasn't over with it yet. Every time John will bring it up, I want to tell him I don't want to talk about it anymore because I would only feel guilty about it.
Well, if you've read my post about how I struggled with breastfeeding Nate, it was because I was stubborn. I insist the he should only drink breast milk and nothing else. I didn't have enough breast milk that's why he was confined in the hospital for high bilirubin levels. He almost had a blood transfusion. If you're a doctor, you probably know the risks and complications of blood transfusion for a newborn baby. The only thing we could do was to pray. John did because I couldn't even think anymore. We could have lost Nate just because of my stubbornness. Even when Nate was discharged from the hospital, I still insist that Nate should be breastfed until we went back to the doctor. Although I knew that Nate's aura is not nice and I felt he's not doing well, I still want to continue to solely breastfeed him. I cried the whole day after the doctor's visit yet we started giving him formula milk.
But God talked to me about it, he said that issue here is not about breastfeeding, the issue here is about whether you trust Me or not. I wanted to breastfeed because of the money we can save, not because of health and nutrition that Nate will obtain from the breast milk. God continued that I could have answered your prayer by providing you more milk but I chose not to because I want you to trust Me first more that your ability to breastfeed your son.
God continued to tell me:
First, you need to trust Me that I, the Lord your God will provide for all of your needs, For the past 12 months, God has been our provider. Whenever we need money for Nate, God has never been too early or even late. He's always been on time. When I decided to stop working in culinary school, God provided an avenue for me to work at home.
Second, that I the Lord your God will be your protector. Nate had a fever and cough but it only happened once and it was mild and tolerable. Nate was still very active and talkative during that time. Although he hits and bumps himself from time to time or even stumbles, I pray that he will always be protected from harm and accidents.
Third, Nate's life belongs to Me, not to you. God chose John and I to be his parents to raise him in a godly way and to instruct Nate in the ways of God. Consequently, the importance of child dedication. If Nate's life belongs to the Lord, so does my life and your life. We are here today only by God's grace. Before we sleep tonight, I think one of the most important question we need to ask ourselves is, what has God done in your life that you don't deserve and what are you going to do about it?
To God Be All the Glory. Thank you.
That is probably what I would say to the guests if I had the chance.
Twelve months went by so fast. I thought, can we just pause for awhile and savor the moments first before moving on again. Nate was indeed a blessing from the Lord. Having him in my life made me realize that I need to become a better person if I want Nate to follow the Lord. My prayer for him is that he would choose to know and have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ; that he will not harbor any bitterness nor anger towards anyone but to learn how to forgive immediately who would cause him pain; that he will always be joyful and thankful in every circumstance and in every situation. Isn't that what God wants us to do and experience as well?
Another blessing is I didn't have a hard time conceiving and we didn't pay anything in order for me to get pregnant considering that I became pregnant at 37. Hearing other people's struggle to conceive for years or even spend money for it made me realized that I am truly blessed.
Sooner or later, Nate will leave me and John and get married. I know that would be years away but it's good to keep in mind that Nate belongs to the Lord and not to us. Dedicating him and ourselves to the Lord brings comfort and joy knowing that our lives is in the great hands of our Almighty God.