Credit - Talk To Frank
This post is an anonymous guest post
As a child I was aware my mom was lonely, when I was 4 my dad left her for another woman and I feel she has never got over this. Me and my 2 sisters kept her happy but that didn’t stop her drowning her sorrows with a few bottles of wine. Men would come and go and each time one left you could see the sadness behind her eyes grow as she knew no one wanted to take on a woman with 3 children. She was an attractive lady who took a lot of care of herself. My uncle’s best friend Sean, always had a huge crush on my mum, in fact it was bordering on obsession, to the point he needed counselling while my mom was in a relationship, but at 33 with white gray hair, pale freckly skin, pale gray eyes, a virgin with the most disgusting teeth he really wasn’t my mums cup of tea.
I remember several times when he knocked on the door, my mom would make us play the “hide and be quiet game” so he didn’t know we were in. We would all crouch under the window with the curtains shut and stay in silence for what seemed like hours. I was now only about 6, my elder sister *Rebecca* was 10 and the younger one *Louise* was 4 and none of us had a bedtime because my mom hated being on her own. After being let down by a few more men my mom decided to give Sean a chance. He was really nice, my favourite of all her boyfriends, he would bring us round sweets and my mom a bottle of wine every evening and even planned to take us abroad for the first time. Sean then moved in and it was lovely to see my mom happy again, although he still insisted on buying her 2-3 bottles of wine a night.
It was December 2001, I was 10 and Sean’s friend was having his annual Christmas party, me and Rebecca were roped into tidying up before we were allowed to go so we made the house tidy and then went and made ourselves look beautiful for later. Everything seemed normal and the booze was flowing at the party, my mom and Sean were getting more drunk and I overheard him tell my mom that me and Rebecca were lazy and never did anything and he was sick to death of it. I told Rebecca who was really upset, we had spent over 4 hours cleaning and she didn’t feel it was fair that he was picking on us when Louise had done nothing all day, so she had a word with my mom. My mom obviously told Sean we weren’t happy as the next thing.
I remember was him taking me and my sister upstairs to “talk”. Within seconds he was screaming in my face, he slapped me and i cowered, Rebecca stood up for me (she was now 14, hormonal and was being a bit lippy) he slapped her, so she slapped him back. This only angered him more and as he went to throw her down the stairs, my mom screamed as my sister struggled and managed to wiggle free. It was a shock and out of character so we forgave him. It wasn’t the last time though, but my mom was now under his spell, she now relied on the alcohol he bought her, the bills he paid and the holidays he took us on.
Nothing happened for a while, but one day he was walking around the house muttering to himself, his eyes had turned from pale gray to slightly yellow and fierce, a vein was visible on his forehead. It was the day after my eldest sisters 15th Birthday, my little sister and I were visiting my dad (who now lived 300 miles away) for half term so we weren’t around. My mom had washed my sisters bed sheets and interrupted my sisters telephone conversation with her friend to ask if she could help to put them on, my sister replied “Yeah mom in a minute, I’m just on the phone” and my mom wandered off. Sean stood over her threw the phone across the floor and chased my sister, she ran upstairs to my mums room to find my mum, she was petrified.
He pushed her onto the bed and pinned her down with his knees heavily pressed onto her arms. He slapped her across the face, while she cried hysterically my mom felt too small and fragile to step in. My mom screamed at him to stop, and calmly he got off her and went downstairs to make a cup of tea, as he walked past the front door he locked it. My sister shouted at my mom for not helping her, but my mom was in shock, she didn’t want to stand up to this man she was only a size 4, 5ft 2, and weighed about 7 stone. My sister knew it wouldn’t be long until he was back so decided the only way of escaping was out of my mum’s bedroom window. My sister started climbing and lost her balance, so my mom screamed and grabbed her arm, my sister was holding on so tightly she was pinching my mum’s skin, leaving the skin red raw.
Sean came running up the stairs and assumed Rebecca had been hurting my mum, he dragged her through the open window, the pebble dashed wall scrapped all of her stomach. My mom tried to explain Rebecca had not hurt her but he wouldn’t listen, she tried to stick up for her but he just pushed her out the way. My sister struggled to the sideway, she knew the front door had been locked but there was also a door which lead to the back garden so she tried this, but this too had been locked. He put his hand around her neck and ripped off the neck-less she has had been given for her birthday, he pinned her to the floor and she thought she was going to die. He let go, and in a calm voice told her to get up, but every time she tried he pushed her to the floor, she was helpless and he was lapping this up. Eventually he got bored of this game. My mom unlocked the front door and my sister ran away. She ran to my old next door neighbour’s house and stayed there for 2 weeks.
Sean convinced us all this would never happen again so my sister came back and we tried to move on but the atmosphere was now awful. The thing with Sean was despite how nasty he could be behind closed doors; he was always very kind to other people and had a lot of friends. The attacks would also happen so irregularly (every 2-6 months) that we honestly believed he wouldn’t do it again. My mom was now very reliant on alcohol, she was drinking so much and this was now taking its toll. She didn’t make an effort any more, she had become more frail and fragile and it affected her judgment.
The incidents kept happening and each time his eyes changed color and he began muttering to himself, we trod on eggshells as we all knew an outburst was due. But only one small thing had to go wrong and he would explode.
It was Fireworks night, I was 11 and the local field had a funfair. I pleaded with my mom to go, I had saved up money and all my friends were going! She wasn’t too happy but after she found out my friends sister who was 23 and her boyfriend were going she let me go. I was so happy, we all got ready, but then I got a phone call from Sean telling me I couldn’t go and that my mother had never agreed. I was in front of my friends (trying to act all big) and replied “go away, you’re not my dad, mom said I could go so I’m going” I put the phone down and turned my phone off, I had butterflies as I knew when I got home there would be repercussions but after some reassurance from a friend I thought, I’ve done it now, I might as well enjoy my night and face it in the morning. I arrived at the fair and my friend’s sister and boyfriend wandered off as they wanted to do their own thing.
As I was about to step on to the Waltzer my sister grabbed me, she was really out of breath and had ran over 2 miles to find me, she said “you need to get somewhere safe he’s on his way and I have never seen him look this mad”. I had been looking forward to this for ages so I replied “Rebecca can I please just go on one ride then I promise I’ll go”, “OK, but I’m waiting here to make sure your OK”. I went on the ride but I couldn’t enjoy myself. I got off the ride, my sister looked petrified and then I saw him, tears came rolling down my cheeks, I tried to stay brave in front of my friends but I couldn’t, all I remember thinking was, please someone save me. He grabbed my hair my friends looked on but no one said a word, my sister screamed at him to let go but he wasn’t listening.
He held my face, all I could smell was his bad breath and he said in a really sinister tone, “I told you, your mom said you couldn’t go”. A crowd formed around us, I felt like the whole world was staring at me, yet no one other than my sister would do anything, they just watched. He punched me, my sister grabbed me, she held me so tight and told him I would not be coming home tonight, I would stay with a friend until he had calmed down. I think he then noticed everyone staring so just walked away. I went home the next day when he had gone out, I screamed at my mom for lying to him, she said he twisted it and she tried to explain but by now my mom was drunk again, so I just ignored her and went to my room. He appeared at my door later on to apologise, he told me I shouldn’t tell anyone what had happened, especially my dad, as I would be taken away from my sisters and my mom would probably kill herself. So I stayed quiet.
A few months passed Rebecca went out, Sean had been at the pub. My mom and I were arguing about something stupid and he arrived in the middle of it. She told me to go and live with my dad, so I went to the phone to call him, he put the phone down replaced the handset, pushed me on the sofa and went out the room. I was stubborn, I really didn’t want to be there any more so I went upstairs to start packing my stuff, he followed me, pinned me against the wall and punched me in the face. Louise sat on the windowsill crying her eyes out, she was fed up of witnessing all the violence and wanted to mouth to my neighbor who was in his garden to call the police, but something stopped her and to this day she still regrets not calling them. Again he apologised and told me not to say a word, so I didn’t.
The atmosphere in the house was awful; Rebecca hadn’t said a word to Sean for months and wouldn’t even be in the same room. I still spoke to him but as soon as he came in from work, me and Louise would go upstairs and avoid him. Even though we all stayed out of his way, it didn’t stop anything. He shouted at our friends, called us every name under the sun, even threw a plate at my sisters head for touching her impetigo. Rebecca left to live with my auntie, which left just me and my little sister with him!
Louise never got hurt but he mentally abused her. She would go to the cupboard to get something to eat and he would oink in the background like she was a pig. She was very conscious of her weight as she was bigger than me and my sister, but in no way was she fat. I read entries in her diary, she was scarred the most! She witnessed it all, she had thoughts of killing herself; she worries about anything now and is scared of everyone. I’ve never seen someone so scared of confrontation. I feel sorry for her, me and my sister have thick skin but she doesn’t and I know this still affects her.
Now Rebecca had left he only had me to pick on, I was strangled, winded from being kicked in the back, bruised and emotionally shattered. It took until I was 15 to give my mom the ultimatum, I knew she didn’t want to be on her own, but I couldn’t live there any more. So after a big bust up, I told her either he goes or I call the police and take my sister to live with my dad. My mom finally listened and he left, although they are still together and meet up occasionally.
One day while I was at school studying for my GCSE’s I has a phone call from my mum, she was paralysed and couldn’t move so the school paid for me to get a cab home. When I got there my mom wasn’t ill or paralysed she was drunk (again!!) she had drunk 2 litres of vodka and was contemplating taking an overdose as she couldn’t cope. After a night of hell and trips to the hospital, Louise packed her stuff and called my dad and by the next day she had moved.
Her drinking had got so bad, and after her collapsing on my birthday it was time for her to give up, for 7 weeks she didn’t touch a drop, she was my mom again we watched a film every night and i was proud to call her my mum, but it didn’t last Sean called, he hadn’t seen her for a while so he wanted to take her out to celebrate, he took her to the pub and bought her a bottle of wine and once again she had gone.
Doctors have told her numerous times she doesn’t have long to live, she looks so old, fragile and hurt, I’ve wasted so much time and energy trying to make her better but I cant, no one can, not even those “professionals” at the addiction clinic. I even thought that once I had my little one she would change, but on the day she was born, my mom turned up drunk! When my baby was 6 days old she threw us out because I tipped her wine down the sink. She tried to make it up and I know she loves me and my daughter but surely if she loved us that much, it would be enough to get her to stop. The funny thing is, no matter how much i hate her for what she put my through, when she’s sober she is the nicest, kindest, most funny person in the world and I still cling on to those rare moments.
I’ve now moved to be closer to my dad, I didn’t want to leave Rebecca or my mom but I just couldn’t cope any more, the areas nicer for my daughter to grow up in, theres no Sean and no alcohol and I know it means I can give my precious little one a better life. So why cant I stop thinking about my mom and how lonely she is? Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and know she’s probably laying in bed wide awake, scared in the house on her own and I cant help but think I’ve done the wrong thing. I know deep down she wants help, but no matter how hard she tries, Sean will always be there niggling away, making her think she needs the drink, he might not be part of my life any more but he is the reason my mom will end up in an early grave.