I’m not a huge fan of ‘bucket lists’. I’m not a fan of widely-ingested and promptly regurgitated catchphrases in general. Don’t get me wrong; I love Morgan Freeman. Not many elderly male actors can rock a freckle quite like he does, or read Go the Fuck to Sleep with such eloquence. That said, I don’t need (or care) to know the inner yearnings of every Joe off the street.
I swore to myself I’d never make a ‘bucket list’. I also never had a need or desire to create a Things I’d Like to Do Before I Die list, either. But I did decide that if I ever did, I’d prefer to keep it a Things I’d Like to Do Before I Die list. It sounded more noble.
Last night, however, as I was watching Shaun of the Dead for the third time with my husband, I decided I might create a bucket list after all.
So, without further ado, here’s my (cough) Bucket List:
Sell my college degrees on eBay
Park my car in the middle of a busy Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru and walk away
Go into Abercrombie & Fitch and open all the blinds
Be a zombie extra in a movie
Buy a wedding dress and wear it to the supermarket
Unapologetically consume gluten, on an Italian piazza, at dusk, in May, with a glass of Sangiovese
Proposition a cop
Walk into a Korean nail place and yell, “I know you’re talking about me, ASSHOLES!”
Plan and execute a hostile takeover of the E! channel, using Daniel Tosh as my mouthpiece
Dress up like a drag queen (I haven’t really thought this one through yet)
Go back in time and punch Frank Sinatra in the face
Let all my gray grow out
Chop down a tree with a tiny axe
Bring sexy back. And not Nicki Minaj sexy, Donna Reed sexy
Change my name to Wonder Woman
Go to Taco Bell and ask for two free-range beef tacos with non-GMO lettuce and organic Fire sauce
What do you think? Doable?