So there is a lot of nerd rage happening on the internet about the latest news of Michael Bay raping your childhood and adding gratuitous explosions and Victoria Secret Models for no reason into some cherished property from the 80s and 90s called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If you aren’t familiar with the whole Michael Bay TMNT debacle, just do a search for that and watch your computer screen melt. Seriously, the short story is basically Bay wants to reboot the series, not make them teenage or mutant. They will just be referred to as Ninja Turtles, which I guess is fine or something, I don’t know. I think I am supposed to be outraged by this but then again it’s Michael Bay and I know his movies are going to bro-ish ads for the military and underwear models. So I can’t begrudge the guy for doing what he is familiar with, but there is one thing that nerds should never forget and that is the original 1990 classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Story goes, turtles in the sewer come across some ooze and are transformed into mutant turtles that know the ways of the ninja from rat that is also transformed by the ooze and cares for the turtles. Something something The Foot Clan lead by The Shredder are out to take over the city through the use of wearing pantyhose over their head and practicing ninja skills as well. Leonard, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo are the only people who can stop the clan.
I think that is the general gist of the story of the first movie, but who the hell cares. I only cared about watching cool turtles spout one-liners like they were from the beach of Point Break and do karate flips all over the place. I was like 5 when I watched the original movie and fucking loved the hell out of the movie. It had turtles, ninjas, the shredder, a giant rat, fucking Casey Jones, and it led into a massive amount of additional merchandise that I could bilk my parents for. It was a movie that essentially defined a kids life in 1990. You watched the cartoon, played with the toys, fought over who would be Michelangelo (I liked Donatello, the nerd of the group) and you also probably destroyed your crotch region from trying to master the nunchucks.
I love this movie, mainly for the nostalgic factor and the fact that is was pretty entertaining to me as a kid. I have watched again just to relive the feeling seeing turtles exude turtle power all over the foot clan. It was a fun movie and one that shaped my childhood and general love of the ninja turtle television series and all the video games that were based on them. Those games by the way, were fucking awesome and anyone who didn’t pump quarter after quarter into the arcade machine has an integral part of their childhood missing.
Listen, I get that it is cool to hate on Bay and his Spike TV mentality of boobs, guns, tits, explosions, asses, action, cleavage, teal and orange color combination and more boobs. After hearing him give all the nerd the finger and tell us to take a chill pill, you have every right to bash him on the internet and be all butt hurt that the turtles are now just ninja turtles and not mutant or teenage anymore. Those people who pissed and moaned about Transformers went out to see it and the same people complaining about Ninja Turtles will see it. It is a futile effort and you know, be thankful you still have the original in all it’s glory. It’s a movie that plays on your nostalgia of playing ninja turtles with your neighborhood friends and collection those toys and turtle vans.