I am a simple man folks, sometimes I don’t care if a movie has some sort of coherent plot, decent acting, compelling characters or even the bare minimum for critics to give it a passing grade without resorting to zero stars or whatever they use to say a movie is crap. I like popcorn flicks as much as the next person and today, I got just the one for you all, specifically for those that are currently stuck in the midwest snowstorm of whatever dumbass name it is this time. Let’s get chestbursty with Aliens vs Predator: Requiem.
The aliens (and a predator) have landed on planet Earth, and small-town America is about to become the scene of an epic interstellar showdown. As these two breeds of cosmic killers clash in the small-town streets Gunnison, CO, the locals are sent running for their lives. From the murky sewers to the rain-soaked streets, Gunnison has become a total bloodbath. Nowhere is safe, especially from the unstoppable new hybrid known as the “predalien.” Now, as the once-quiet community of Gunnison is overrun by Aliens, the only hope for humankind is a fierce hunter from the deepest reaches of space. But this predator is far from a benevolent savior of the human race, because he’ll kill any man, woman, or child who gets in the way of his mission to destroy every last alien under these stormy Colorado skies. ~ Jason Buchanan, Rovi
Honestly the plot should be, stupid fucking teens try and survive a battle between aliens and a predator. This isn’t so much a movie about their struggles, but more of a gore fest special effects display for the Brothers Strause. Listen, they are giving us what we want on a base level in terms of watching an Aliens or Predator movie. We get those glorious looking kills with little acting prowess being given by the cast. They are all there to be the cattle for the slaughter and for that I can appreciate the minimal efforts being given. To tell you the truth, I couldn’t name any of the characters what their personal struggle were other than not being impaled to a wall by the predator. They are all just stereotypes for us to identify and then move on with out lives. The predator and alien though, they are the true stars of the film.
Right from the get go the Brothers Strause go right for the jugular and just outright set the stage for what sort of movie this will be. They just off a father and son hunting team whose only crime was that they decided to investigate the alien spaceship that crash landed on their planet. Who knows what could have been in that ship and they decide to just walk up to it and get a chestburster for their troubles, even the little kid gets it. So right there, you know that everyone is up for grabs in terms of getting the axe in this movie. The kills are just about as insane as they can get from being cut in half by the biggest fucking throwing star ever, aliens getting diced like a food processor, and all sort of gadetry that the Predator has in his arsenal. The preda-alien even has his day with just ruthless tail strikes and even the hospital maternity ward scene where he is delighted to a host of women that will bring to life his fellow aliens. It’s just a gross buffet of alien and predator goodness.
AVP:R knows exactly what it is and delivers the goods to the audience that just want some battles and nothing else. Believe me, that is what you will get since the acting is about on par with a dress rehearsal for a high school play. That is being generous to say the least, but then again I am going into this movie just craving Alien/Predator battles and kills. I got what I wanted out of this movie and that should be enough. Mindless entertainment that doesn’t do anything with the lore of the franchises, just a template for video game battles and special effects gore.