I know you are watching over me, I know I am not supposed to be afraid, I know the strength you placed inside me was to always be something that I never denied. I know that when I sleep you place your wings around me to protect me from the place inside me that stays since you left. I remember your heartbeat even from when I was inside you feeling protected. You never let me be without love, If anything you gave me the most precious love of all.
I don’t know what has me feeling you so deeply today, I suppose when I stumbled upon understanding my mom’s tears It came to me how much you stay with me even when I feel like I am ok with where you are now, I wish you could see how your baby boy grew up in your absents. I know you aren’t absent that is the thing. I know that you have stayed on top of me birthing my gifts to understand what I felt was impossible you showed me the doors to make it possible. I fly every chance I get you left me such a gift to be able to see with eyes that you birthed me with.
I am not done yet, not even close. You showed me my light and I promise to shine it on everyone I can, even those that can’t see it for themselves. I praise in the name of all that I will continue to be the light that others need when I can’t even see the light myself. You placed such crumbs for me to follow. I know your shinning down on me every step of the way. This step and the next steps that never end.
I never knew the words to tell you that you were the perfect Mom.. I feel sad that I didn’t find them then to share with you how important you are in my existence here. You gave me the strength to find the love you believed in and showed me that it was real.
I knew the story you kept trying to tell me of a love never known. The beauty and the beast. How they connected to the soul. I knew how much you believed in it and felt how real it is. You were right, and for that I will always feel your smile with me. Thank you for that. Thank you for helping me be the man I am supposed to be for Lois. She truly helped me believe a man could fly. She never let’s go of my hand and she never let’s me land for to long to realize I can fly again.
I understand the saying now more than ever, you never know how much something means to you till it’s gone. I realize that it isn’t about it being gone. It’s about how much more you embrace it because it becomes alive inside you. You never have to let that go. You can embrace that and bring it out just breathing. That is what you are supposed to do. To honor such a love, why mourn to know that you just have to hold it deeply and allow it to be what can be felt. It is this that allowed me to touch the lives I have. I know it is the love you gave me. I never stop growing it. This world is a big place yet the love you gave me is bigger and I am growing it into the universe where it will always be.
I miss you Mom..
Clark