It’s was like I opened a Hickory Farms freezer door and found a fresh cheese log still in the wrapper. Bam!
I like to take the two cheese balls and keep ‘em in a jar so I always know where they are at all times.
Umm. Yeah. I’m gonna need those back, by the way. I got a hoe in da house and she brought crackers.
Anyone ever comes at me with a buttah knife, I’ll spread them out like Nutella on white bread.
Seriously. Did youz see those things? I swear she must hold ‘em like this in the (bleepin’) shower.
Dang, girl.
MmmMmm. Better sand bag the front door. Something tells me there’s a Storm front moving in this weekend.
Welcome home, Renee!
Welcome home, Lee!
Finally. The whole Mob Wives gang is back together again.
Or close to it, anyway, as two of Staten Island’s most infamous residents found their way back to the neighborhood this week.
Granted, Renee’s actual home is so new that she still doesn’t know where the fuse box is located, and Drita‘s husband Lee is technically still based out of some random Halfway House on the East Coast.
But at least they’re home, right?
We picked right up where we left off last week, as Drita relived the moment she opened her front door and found newly released Lee standing in the kitchen holding daughter Gizelle in his arms.
If she didn’t already (bleep) her pants when she saw him standing there by the sink, I’m pretty sure Drita (bleeped) them when she retold the story, because she was going off like she had just been to a One Direction concert. Totally (bleepin’) awesome.
Also, since I’m fairly certain that on your first day of prison release you probably aren’t going to break a window and climb in through the back hallway, I’m going to assume that Drita’s other daughter Aleeya must have let Lee in when he rang the doorbell.
They never really clarified how he got inside a home that utilizes the same high tech video security system they have at Best Buy, but somehow Lee made it in and was hugging it up with his kids when Drita swung the door open.
She (bleepin’) bugged out. Which she does a lot.
And Carla and Big Ang love that romantic shizzle. They were hanging off the edge of the couch, totally jealz, as Drita explained how incarceration keeps a man fresh as a bone-in ham in the freezer, and that she couldn’t even wait for that thing to defrost on the counter before she tore into it.
Bow chicka bow wow.
As far as that whole fresh as ham in a freezer thing goes though, I’m not really sure what Food Network prison chef show Drita’s been watching, because every time I rent a jailhouse movie they are definitely serving up some ham salad, if you know what I mean.
But she would know better, I guess. Plus, she still scares me a little. So whatev.
For now, Lee was off to the Halfway House, leaving Drita to try and figure out what to do next. Should she take him back? Should she not even give him a chance? What to do.
Luckily, Big Ang and RuPaul were both on hand to offer a few words of wisdom when it came to dealing with ex-cons and drag queens.
Don’t F*** it up, Fish.
Next, it was off to a charity art event with Karen, Ramona and my new Reality TV girlfriend Love Majewski.
It was a chance to shop, raise some money for breast cancer and to see Lovey wear the same one shoulder top that Wilma Flinstone always wore when she went to the Bedrock Opera House. I swear.
Don’t ask. It’s better that way.
Then Renee finally got her homecoming.
After weeks in Miami rehab, where we discovered that she bowled, went to movies and laid on the beach (…say what? Sign me up…) Renee was back home in her new digs.
In TV Time it was getting close to Thanksgiving, so she was looking forward to a fresh start for the holidays with friends and family. It would mean a chance to begin a new chapter in her life and put all the Junior wire tapping dramz behind her.
Thanksgiving would also mean that Drita was going to have to stop gnawing on that Easter ham sooner or later, and switch to turkey like the rest of us.
Come up for air, girlfriend. He’ll be home for awhile.
But before the holidays, Renee wanted to get all the girls together and celebrate her homecoming in style. Big ball bowling style. So she set a date with Drita and then went back to trying to locate that fuse box before the winter storms season hit.
Across town, on the other side of da hood, Karen was chillin’ with her new homie Storm at the studio. Word.
As you’ll recall, Karen had just recently invested in the studio because a financial advisor told her to spread around some of the monetary love from her Mob Daughter book, and since she knew absolutely NOTHING about the music industry, a studio seemed the perfect fit.
Kickin’ it in the hizzle with Storm and his backwards hat, Karen was a textbook silent partner. Except for the silent part.
What should I do? What’s that knob for? What’s that switch for? Can I push that big red one? How did they make Kim Zolciak sound like she could sing?
But Storm was totally dope and coolio wid it as he busted out a few hip hop phrases that flew miles over her white Italian girl head. Fo shizzle.
Karen knew what Single & Ready to Mingle meant, though, and almost swallowed her gum when she realized that Storm might have been flirting with her a little bit.
Hmmm. Mama liked, and the Gravano Gravy was starting to heat up.
Stay tuned, Big Daddy. Stay tuned.
And speaking of trying to score. It was time to hit the bowling alley.
Drita, Ang, Ramona and Karen all joined Renee to celebrate the completion of her stint at rehab and to prove that bowling really ain’t there thang. Really.
As Big Ang gave birth to bowling ball baby after bowling ball baby (…our girl prefers the drop, splat and roll technique over the more traditional three finger toss…) everyone else aimed for the gutter and drank beer.
Except Renee, who won the game like a pool shark. If pool sharks bowled, I mean.
See yah, suckahs.
Turns out it was a slow news week on Mob Wives, so next up we killed some time watching Neil get a haircut. Riveting stuff, I tell you.
Big Ang’s on again, off again, in again, out again husband was currently back in the house, and apparently part of the deal was that he get rid of that boy band faux hawk and clean it up a little. So they hit up the local barber shop for some grooming.
Because that’s what Big Ang wanted. And she’s the boss of him.
While Neil was getting buzzed, Karen and Drita enjoyed a spa day together. Which is crazy, because last season they almost threw each other off the penthouse roof top, right? Crazy.
Maybe if Renee and Ramona had shown up like they were supposed to, it wouldn’t have been so initially awkward. But they didn’t. So it was.
Side note: For some reason VH1 felt it necessary to blur out all the Drita side boob action on her massage table, which was odd considering that 5 channels up the dial at the Oscars telecast the same things were flopping out of every Armani Privé gown on the red carpet. Go figure.
Karen and Drita talked about Lee coming home and the irony of the two of them laying face down together on tables instead of cement sidewalks. And then they had cocktails.
Even though Renee and Ramona couldn’t be bothered to follow through on their spa date, they did manage to hit the streets for some quality bonding time during an evening walking tour of Little Italy’s best pastry and coffee shops.
Hard to believe, but it had already been one year since Renee’s Dad Anthony “TG” Graziano“went away” (…that’s how they say it on the Island…) after getting caught up in that whole Junior turned Rat Snitch fiasco. Combine that with the memory of Ramona’s grandfather Benjamin “LeftyGuns” Ruggiero, who passed away on Thanksgiving Day 1994 and you had the makings for a stroll down Memory Lane.
Ramona wanted to set up a memorial for Lefty, and Renee wanted another grandé mocha sumthin sumthin, because she always seems to be holding a Starbucks cup now that she is back from rehab.
As if going to a barber shop didn’t already captivate a nation, Big Ang then headed to the lamp store to buy some light bulbs. Nine of them.
I know what you’re thinking. Most people would probably go to Costco for such a bulk quantity, but Ang don’t play dat. Did I already mention it was a slow news week?
Carla accompanied Angela to Lamps ‘r Us in case she needed any assistance with such a massive quantity of LEDs, and it gave them both a chance to gossip about Joe‘s divorce papers and custody issues while the sales guy nervously scurried around trying to find a box of miniature chandelier bulbs. Because Ang is the boss of him, too.
It also gave us all a chance to realize that at some point during the filming of her own spin-off show, Big Ang had gotten exceptionally MmmHmm YouGoGirl sassy. Like two snaps and a circle VH1 sassy. Or maybe it’s just me, but I don’t remember her being so over the top during that first roof top throw down all those many episodes ago.
Everything is eye rolls and OhNoSheDin’t and big hand gestures and don’tchoo get my hair wet, Boo. And you totally know that Big Ang uses the eraser end of a pencil when she types unpunctuated tweets on her keyboard. Cuz acrylics ain’t cheap, haters.
That doesn’t mean I love her any less. It’s just an observation, mmmkay? Snap.
Then the Wives took us to church. Literally.
Lefty Gun’s memorial service included prayers, speeches and someone who looked like Whitney Houston in her I Wanna Dance With Somebody video singing a hymn.
Halleloo.
I had to Google her to find out all the deets because I liked her voice, and because that’s what I do. According to her website she’s an up and coming performer that I should have probably already known, but since I don’t shop at Arden B or buy my makeup at Walgreeen’s, I didn’t know who she was.
(Hey. I’m just telling you what her site said. Chill.)
But she had a great voice. So check her out. Esnavi‘s the name. Singing’s the game.
Don’t get too comfortable, though. After surviving Storm Sandy and horny Producer Storm, there was one more storm slowing brewing on the Island.
Storm Carla. You could tell something was coming. Not sure when, so I’m sure you still have time to board the windows and stock up on non-perishables.
But something was coming.
First off, Carla had a little sit down with Joe and his new live-in girlfriend Raquel. Carla had never actually met the woman, even though she had already judged her and talked smack in five boroughs. But this time they met up face to face.
It went well, considering that deep down Carla doesn’t honestly believe anyone should own the deed to Joe’s kahunas unless it’s Carla herself. But Raquel is a nice girl and barely flinched when Carla tossed around the phrase Hoes In Da House like it was a new dance club anthem.
Hoes In Da House. Put your hands up in the air. And close your legs to married men.
Big Ang would have totally gone all OhNoSheDin’t if she was there. MmmHmm.
In the diner, Carla and Raquel agreed to play nice, even though Raquel thought she was full of (bleep) after Joe paid the bill.
I could totally sit through a show that was nothing but Joe’s whacky eyeballs.
Love that dude.
Finally, the storm inched even closer during a sushi dinner with Love, Karen and Drita.
Love had heard that Carla was talking about everybody. Again. There seems to be a lot of that going around.
And whether you actually diss Love, or her Girls, it’s all the same. You wouldn’t kick a pitbull puppy if its mother was sitting right there, would you? Der.
Remember when Carla swung that tiny butter knife in Renee’s face a few weeks ago?
Big whoop. Love actually stabbed a guy. Or two.
So you do the math.
And then stock up on those non-perishables, because something’s coming.
Capisce?