Seriously. If we have to discuss this thing one more time someone’s getting all five of these right up their gob.
Seriously. Check it out. I can fit five golf balls in here and still not skip a beat. And Nora’s a bitch.
Seriously. Yesterday my hair was out to freakin’ here! It was Goombadiculously Awesome Sauce.
Seriously? The Nora texting story again? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Seriously. I don’t know why the counter is covered in fruit flies. It’s not like there’s…oh… Whatever, dude. You still suck big ones.
Seriously.
Nine episodes later, and I still don’t know what a Gob is.
I love saying it, and using it in almost daily interactions with co-workers and am actually actively considering somehow sneaking it into a Powerpoint presentation I have to give next month.
No clue.
But whatever it is, it’s pretty clear that Leah is just about ready to biff one or two of them, because everyone’s favorite Mob Wives: Chicago Goombalina has just about run out of patience with the rest of the girls and their drama.
Seriously.
It’s gotten to the point where she hasn’t even had time to blow out her signature Broadway Lion King mane for every scene. That’s when you really know it’s about to go down in ChiTown.
Amidst the party throw downs and prankster texting, Leah has valiantly tried to play referee while the rest of the gang quickly threw punches and slowly shifted alliances.
That’s gotta wear a girl out. Not to mention her ‘do.
Well, you better get used to a few more weeks of ponytail scrunchies and slicked back hair, because it doesn’t look like the rest of the girls are even close to hugging this one out yet.
This time the drama started as soon as the front door opened at Renee‘s place.
Roid Rage Barbie had not seen her daughter since Giana and that whacky sidekick Marco returned from their jailhouse roadtrip. After driving however long it took them to get from A to B at 70 mph…I was never very good at those trick math questions…Giana had finally gotten to spend some quality time with her Dad, Ottavio Volpe, as well as the entire population of the penitentiary and that one creepy guard who always looks through the two way window.
Or at least he always does on General Hospital.
Regardless, Giana came home more confused than ever about her childhood and now doubted most of the stories that Mom had spoon fed her growing up.
Through the years, with any opening in the conversation she was given, Renee had always jumped at the chance to smack talk Ottavio and his Dead Beat Dad status.
Whether it was stories about abandonment, no-shows at her school’s Father/Daughter Day, or the one about yanking the tails off every My Little Pony in her collection to stitch together a bank robbery disguise, Renee always made Ottavio out to be The Villain.
All that aside, it really is too bad that Dad is locked up for so long, because his cool name alone could guarantee him a supporting role in the next X-Men movie.
Seriously.
Is that not the best name? Evah?
Move over Magneto. The World will now learn to fear the Italian Power of Ottavio!
That is way cooler than any of the other cool names that I’ve ever guaranteed an X-Men role to previously.
But, anyway.
We love Giana. She’s the most level headed young woman on VH1. And she’s just naturally, really pretty. And when she cries, it’s real crying. Not Drama Queen crying.
So we love her.
Turned out that before the guards took Ottavio back to the prison’s Super Villain Lair so he could plot his next move on Charles Xavier and Wolverine, Dad had mentioned to Giana that every time he tried to visit her as a child Renee would call the police.
Even back in the day, Ottavio and the Po Po were definitely not a good mix, so he would always have to cut a donut in the driveway and squeal off into the sunset without getting to see his daughter. Thus giving Renee another opportunity to sing that song about Abandonment.
When Giana confronted Renee about the different versions of her youth, most of it got (bleeped) out, but the gist of the conversation was that Renee felt Dad was trying to sabotage her relationship with Giana by lying. Just like he lied when he used to tell people he had cancer. Wha–?
Now Renee wasn’t really clear on why he said that, or when, or how often, and it did kind of seem like she was reaching for something on the top shelf of the Drama Cabinet when she blurted it out, but it was enough to zonk Giana out a little bit, which in turn flipped that tiny dog out a little bit.
Pretty soon all three of them were just running in circles and it was time to move on.
While Christina made some soup, her live-in ex-husband Joe (…every MobWives show in the franchise is contractually obligated to hire at least one Joe…) came in from whatever it was he was doing outside to eat some soup and ask if she was ever gonna get a job or something to help pay the cable bill.
The scene was short and pretty painless but we did get to see that their kitchen looked like every good Italian kitchen should look, complete with that trio of pedestal candles that always get in the way of every camera shot.
Seriously.
Hasn’t anyone learned anything from dodging those things over at the Manzo house on Real Housewives of New Jersey? They’re like a director’s worst nightmare. And you know they never light them because they always have that straw ribbon cluster still attached to the middle.
Then we were off to downward our dogs, so to speak.
Pia, Renee and Leah headed out to yoga class in an effort to de-stress and find their Inner Child.
Needless to say, they never chilled out enough to release them, but I’m going to go on the assumption that Leah’s Inner Child would have some serious Little Rascals Buckwheat hair and sound like she alternated between drags on a Newport unfiltered and a helium-filled birthday balloon.
Sometimes I just love Leah too much.
After getting their yoga on for three whole minutes, the girls got right back into bickering over the same old Nora This Nora That mess until I thought Leah was going to force a headstand on the two of them.
You can always tell when Leah is getting fed up, because she does her Italian Goombadabing Sock Puppet Hands. You know what I’m talking about. The ones where you put all your fingers and thumbs together like you’re wearing a tube sock on your fist and tasting good pasta at the same time. Delizioso!
Now shut the f*** up about all this before I break your face. Namaste?
Speaking of breaking stuff…
Renee met her brother Frankie to show off yet another snappy hat and to get his opinion on all the latest drama.
It’s driving me crazy that I can’t think of who Frankie looks like. He reminds me of somebody and I can’t remember if it’s on TV or at my old high school or the bulletin board at the Post Office.
But once he said “Do NOT mess wid my family. Do NOT.” it really didn’t matter anymore.
When Caroline Manzo says it (…pretty much weekly, as any RHONJ drinking game participant will attest to…) it’s threatening to a point, and then you reach across the table for more meatballs right in front of her face.
When Frankie says it on the other hand, you wet yourself a little and then close your Facebook account. Or at least I did.
Yeah. We won’t be making as much fun of Frankie as I had originally intended. I’ve invested too much money in White Strips over the years to get on his bad side.
Moving on.
Down the road, Leah met up with Ms. CrazyPants Nora to share some stories about being Daddy’s Little Girl. Through all the fist fights and verbal inappropriateness, Leah had always tried to keep an open mind about Nora until she could figure out what this NutWad was really all about.
Turns out that they actually have a few things in common and Leah quietly whispered that she might actually be starting to like Nora. I know, right?
Don’t tell the cool kids at school quite yet or it will ruin her street cred in Study Hall. It was that kind of moment. Awkward.
But not as awkward as new BFFs Renee and Pia going bathing suit shopping.
After flashing the construction workers across the street with a Lindsay Lohan car seat slide, Renee joined her new Bestie for some bikini modeling. Awkward.
Then they actually tried on suits, which gave Renee a chance to not only ogle Pia’s implants, but also poke at them like you do before a picnic when you want to know if the jello mold has completely set. Awkward.
And then to top it all off, three of Renee’s credit cards were declined after sliding them up and down the Visa reader like they were playing the machines at Vegas. You just hit the Awkward Trifecta! And lost.
Looked like her Starbucks boyfriend Dave Giangrande had been getting his fingers up in her bidnezz. Uh oh. Renee was pissed, and looking to do some damage.
But first, it was time to whack a few balls that weren’t attached to Dave.
Since Leah isn’t big on Tupperware parties, she decided the next best thing to pull the girls all together would be golfing. Go figure.
So Leah, Christina, Pia and Renee all hit the driving range to unleash some aggression and try to kiss and make up.
Let’s just say that half a bucket o’ balls later, Christina was starting to steam as the two new Besties screamed and giggled with each swing like they had just gotten the ball through the windmill and into the clown’s mouth at FunTown Putt Putt.
By the time the four of them hit the clubhouse for a cocktail, the whole Nora This Nora That mess resurfaced again, and it was time for that poor VH1 intern to (bleep) every other word out of Renee’s mouth.
Seriously.
VH1 must have had to hire somebody full time in the booth just to keep one hand on the censor button when Renee is around.
Girlfriend does like her purple eye shadow and F Bombs.
And she got to use plenty of them bombs on Dave later after he not only stood her up for a dinner date, but then also called the cops on brother Frankie the next day.
Dat’s rite. Before Renee even made it into work after getting royally boned (…and not the good kind…) on a romantic dinner, Bro had gone to Eye Candy Optics to get all Manzo on Dave’s a** and give him that whole Don’t Mess Wid My Family spiel.
But as we’ve previously discussed, Caroline’s not related to anyone who may or may not have killed a man…so we’ll just say that Frankie’s hair looked nice as the cops kicked him out, and leave it at that.
Renee got (bleeped) out some more and then Dave stormed off carrying that garment bag again. What’s in that thing, anyway?
Somewhere in the middle of all this drama, Christina met up with Nora and they…well…after Christina said that her relationship with Nora had “Dramaastiklly Changed” I blacked out and don’t remember anything else from that scene.
Dramaastiklly. I swear.
I’ve grown to also love Christina quite a bit over the last few weeks, but she needs to get out from behind that Walmart Returns Counter and read a book.
Or go with Pia to her Life Coach and figure out what the next step is gonna be.
Seriously.
Life Coach. And her name was Deanna. And she loves big hot rollers.
Before all the Pia drives a Kia haters spam me again…relax.
I am not judging Pia. Or Deanna.
Or her enormous Farrah Fawcett hair.
It’s the Life Coach thing. And she’s a Life Coach who does image consulting and sets up soft core fashion photography shoots. Just like Anthony Robbins does.
Not.
I need to process that one. We’ll deal with it next time.
The episode finished up with Renee in a Bleepapalooza with Giana’s dad on the phone.
Why you would even try to start an argument with someone who is on a timed pay phone call from prison is beyond me, but Renee tried to cram as many F Bombs into the conversation as she could before the Warden yanked the cord.
As she scurried around the kitchen doing a seriously nervous countertop wipe down, Renee swore at Ottavio about everything from the lies he told Giana to the country’s deficit, all while trying to figure out how to reach through the phone and poke his eye out with one of her patented finger points.
There was also a giant watermelon on the counter. It needed to be said.
But before she could get in one last juicy (bleep) it all ended quite dramaastiklly when the phone line went dead.
And just like that, it was over.
Seriously.