And then she gets all up in my face? Oh, hell no. You get up in my face and my fists get up in yours like Booyeah!
And then I goes to that Goombaloopa and I sez “Dance With Me” like it’s freakin’ Prom Night. Cuz I’m feeling the music, capisce?
And then I fell down and found a unicorn tail. And it smells like ponies, sparkly glitter and vaseline.
And then the Goombalina gets all Planet of the Apes on me, like she’s all “Get Your Stinkin’ Paws Off Me…”
And then da bitch made me leave a full plate of freakin’ mozzarella sticks back there. And they wuz still warm. She’s dead to me.
I tell you.
It was enough to make Frank “The German” Schweihs roll around in his grave.
If he’s actually IN his grave, I mean. And not sitting in some cryogenic chamber with Walt Disney or orbiting the planet in the cargo hold of a government rocket ship that was spray painted to look like a rainbow.
(More on all those conspiracy theories a little later on…)
That’s right. Mob Wives: Chicago was full on In Your Face this week, bringing with it all the signature (bleepin’) drama we’ve come to love from all those women who have no problem buying shoes and furs and jewelry until the cows come home, but for some reason still can not figure out how to purchase a ticket out of the Mob Lifestyle.
After last week’s premiere, where the Wives and their back stories were rolled out like contestants vying for the heart of The Gangstah Bachelor, this week we finally got to the Goombalicious good stuff.
It all picked up right where we left off last time, with Pia and Christina rolling around on the floor of the penthouse bar like Klassy Chicks while Renee and Nora scurried around making sure the chip bowls didn’t fly off the table.
The whole throw down began last week with a little confusion over who said what to who about Pia and her chosen occupation. Seems that stripping to raise money for your child’s college fund doesn’t go over so well in some Chicago circles and between Nora (…allegedly…) talking smack to some cousin or another and Christina being…well, herself I guess…somehow their Girls Night Out collapsed into the kind of smack down that gives TV producers the tinglies.
Between Pia’s nightly clamp down on that stripper pole and Christina’s tight squeeze on her ice cream scoop, those two ladies have honed some seriously tight grips. It literally took two enormous bouncers, who I swear were the same dudes who helped produce Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation album, to finally pull them apart and send them off to opposite corners of the Ring.
As Jimmy and Terry body slammed Pia out the door in an NFL human barricade, Renee and Christina hurriedly grabbed their furs and menthols while Nora dangled and swung around one of Pia’s detached weave clumps as though a radioactive insect bite had just morphed her into Spider-man.
Seriously. Who knew that synthetic extensions could keep a child occupied for so long?
Nanny 411: Moms…pick up a track or two for those cranky babies next time you’re down by Mo’Esha’s House O’ Hair. Trust me, it’ll work better than warm milk.
Let’s just call this one early. I’ll say it since everyone else seems to afraid to say it.
Nora is cray cray.
Now Leah, this show’s Big Ang (…coming to your TVs on July 18, by the way. No fee for the spin-off plug, VH1…this one’s on me. We love Big Ang…) is crazy, too.
But Leah is the F*** You Up kind of crazy.
Nora is the kind of crazy that thinks Hello Kitty is real. There’s a difference.
After Christina sucked down a smoke and flaunted her unchipped manicure, she and Renee jumped into a waiting limo. I guess when you’re in that lifestyle there is always a car on the curb with the motor running, which makes it pretty convenient after any potential bar brawls or bank alarms. That’s actually a pretty sweet deal, considering how long it takes a cab to show up after you call the dispatcher.
Pia and Nora jumped in the other revved up getaway limo and then everyone went home to lick their wounds and un-rat whatever hair still remained attached to their heads.
You totally know that Nora shoved Pia’s track in her purse so she could play with it some more before she went to bed. Any bets on whether she scotch taped it to her face and pretended she was Fu Manchu when she got home? Anyone?
The next morning Nora put her new cat toy back in the drawer and headed to Renee’s apartment to rehash the previous night’s fiasco.
As the two Wives chugged the largest cups of EKKSpresso (…as Renee awkwardly pronounced it…) legally allowed by the FDA, they decided to hit up Pia on her Sidekick and invite her over for an ambush.
Luckily Pia was close by, because she showed up at the door before Renee even had time to drop the phone back in the charger. Or maybe she just rushed over, because she obviously didn’t have time to untangle that mess from the night before.
Regardless of why she didn’t have time for a complete comb out, as soon as Pia walked through the door she was jumped by both Renee and her little salt & pepper puppy.
Renee called the whole evening disgusting and made it clear that she doesn’t make a habit of associating with people like Pia, which was rather straight to the point considering that the two Wives don’t really know each other very well.
But then again, I don’t know any of them and I don’t seem to have an issue with giving my opinion. (I know someone out there was thinking that, so I thought I would save them the trouble of emailing me later.)
As Renee continued thrashing Pia with her thoughts and ideas, Nora just sat between the two of them rubbing her fingers on a magazine article, wondering why the photos didn’t move like they do on her iPad.
Pia let us know in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t going to apologize to Christina, stating that Christina was like a pimple on your a**. Annoying, but who ever sees it?
Umm. You’re a stripper, honey.
So pretty much everybody sees it. Just clarifying for anyone who forgot to DVR.
Down the block, Christina was filling in my favorite Goombaladiva Leah on everything she missed by skipping Girls Night Out.
Gah. I love Leah. Already.
Every other syllable out of her mouth is either a (bleep) or some kind of descriptive Goombala pig latin that I don’t even understand, and yet I hang on her every word. It’s like she’s a whacky haired Italian Klingon from Star Trek or something. You have no clue what she means, but you know she means it and you just get out of her way.
Remember when you were a kid and you would put a glass over your mouth, let go of it and try to hold it in place just by the suction of your lungs? Until it made that Kool-aid circle mark on your face?
That’s Leah, but with a wine glass. Girlfriend does love her vino.
She also likes messing people up, and she got pretty angry at Pia when she got all the deets on the throw down. I wouldn’t want to mess with Leah. For realz.
Full disclosure, I didn’t even dare change the channel when the show went to a commercial break because I thought she might f*** me up if she found out I was checking in on the Jerseylicious salon.
Then it was time to go wake the dead.
Nora and Renee were headed to the cemetery to try and get some information on what really happened to Nora’s dad’s body.
As you will recall, right after Frank Schweihs died, the Feds snatched up his body for evidence or alien probing or puppet shows or whatever it is that Nora now seems to believe happened. Even Renee, Nora’s biggest supporter, is first to admit that Nora believes even an increase in the price of postage stamps is usually part of a larger conspiracy theory.
Nora is fairly certain that her father’s grave may be empty, or at the least, a portal to another dimension. She wants to resume the body if she has to, which I assume is something like when you exhume the body but you must do it differently I presume.
(My apologies to Dr. Seuss on that brief moment of coffee shop poetry.)
Nora loves to use big words. It’s a shame that she can’t pronounce or define most of them. Plus I think she still had some hair weave mustache stuck to her face, but I couldn’t be certain.
For all the times that Nora eats out at fancy restaurants, you would think she’d have a better handle on the whole ‘call first’ thing, because when they got to the cemetery it was locked up. Another conspiracy, no doubt, because everyone knows that alien space ships don’t need to have the gates unlocked. They fly down from outer space. Just saying.
Yet another conspiracy must have been the massive Facebook glitch that caused Nora to unknowingly delete Christina from her account.
OMG. It was all the talk in study hall today.
Seriously. The discussion that Christina and Leah had over the incident could totally have been played out in the cafetorium on Gilmore Girls. The only thing missing was the smell of fish sticks and that kid from the AV Club pushing a TV down the hall.
Leah also finally explained why she’s not a big Nora fan. Turned out that years ago she had grabbed Nora’s arm at a street fair or barn dance or something and got dissed.
Like Charlton Heston yelling at the Apes dissed. That kind of dissed.
OMG again.
But she’s Leah, and you don’t diss the GoombadaJLo.
Since Christina couldn’t post on Nora’s Facebook wall anymore, she ended up calling her to get together and make up, which went about as well as could be expected.
Then the Gods of Reality TV blessed us with another soon to be classic moment.
Pia. In a Kia. See ya.
In yet another scene from Where’s Waldo: Mob Edition, Nora and Pia headed back to the funeral home to hopefully find someone with information on Frank’s whereabouts.
In a Kia.
As Nora incoherently rambled on and on about her mother and sister causing this whole misconception on the blah to the blah burial…all I could focus on was how dirty Pia’s Kia Klunker was.
And the fact that it was a Kia. Did I mention that?
I’m not even sure why it fascinated me so much. But it did. By the time they pulled over in front of the funeral home and Nora jumped out, I had lost all my focus.
Let’s break it down. If you knew that you were going to be driving around town with a network television camera in your car, another camera in the car behind you, and more than likely a third camera in the traffic helicopter above you on the Expressway…wouldn’t you at least hit the drive-thru car wash on the way to Nora’s house?
I really can’t believe that some Chicago delinquent didn’t run over and write “Wash Me” with his middle finger all over the driver’s side while Pia was focused on straightening out all her dollar bills so that Washington’s head faced up on each one like they do at the bank.
Somehow Nora still managed to find the car under all that dust when she came back out of the funeral home, clutching an envelope that proved her sister had given permission for the Feds to just dump their father’s body off at the cemetery like the Sunday paper.
She was NOT happy, and if she had made any sense as she babbled I would have been happy to report it back to you all. But she was making up some words again, and I couldn’t read lips through that grimy windshield.
Side note: Is it just a Chicago Thang, or is the Flashdance look coming back? There were a lot of off the shoulder Let’s Get Physical tops going on this week. Just wanted to flag that for all you fashionistas out there.
Or Maxximistas…if you know what I mean. Sorry, Chicago. I just call it like I see it.
I really noticed it at Christina’s place, when Leah was threatening to biff Pia in the gob the next time she saw her if she got up in her face.
I don’t even know if I have a gob, but I don’t think I’d want it biffed if I did.
There was also a bunch of stuff dealing with Renee’s child custody battle with one of her Baby Daddies, but I wasted too much time on the dirty Kia. If you’re too lazy to Google it right now we’ll all be discussing it in depth next time, don’t you worry.
So until then, don’t be getting all up in someone’s face…because that never seems to work out very well.
Goombalarama lama ding dong. Capisce?