I know Leah’s hair looks extremely goombastic tonight, but look at me when I’m flipping out on you, bitch!
No, you look at me! I’m a Pez dispenser. When I tip my head back, fruity candy and Xanax fall out of my mouth.
And who is this chick who keeps trying to get in on every one of my camera shots? Do you mind, honey?
I don’t know. When I was a little Mobette, something just came to me one day and I realized that I should be a wine maker.
It was like I had a vision where I could beat people up and make red wine all at the same time.
Can you get a hangover just from watching people drink wine?
Or make wine? Or both?
I’m starting to think you can, because there was so much grape squishing and hair pulling on this week’s Mob Wives: Chicago that I need an aspirin. It’s like a hangover with a different kind of morning after shame. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
After last week’s sweat-free workout and gymnasium screaming match with Nora, Chicago’s favorite Kia driving “don’t call it stripping” exotic dancer Pia needed some support from a friend. Lucky for her, Christina was at home, hard at work on the relaunch of her fashion design career.
Now don’t get me wrong. I love Christina. I love her No Crap attitude. And I really love that raspy Walmart Customer Service Department Manager laugh she’s always got going on.
Oh, please. Don’t tell me you’ve never walked up to the store when they’re all out there sitting on the bench having a butt during their 15 minute break, doing that half howl/half smoker cough over some crazy customer story or how one of their husbands cut a finger off in the wood chipper and the dog grabbed it like it just fell out of a box of Snausages.
I know you know what I’m talking about. Nobody just shops at Target.
So I love her snort, but I’m not so sure about this whole fashion thing. I mean…who wants to wear a floor length evening gown made out of the same fabric they use for yoga pants? And what is going on with that big flap of hot pink over the shoulder? Even Pia scratched her head, which by itself was a nice change from her night job itch, and when a stripper questions your fashion sense…well…there you have it.
If we’ve learned anything from Project: Runway though, it’s to not judge until the outfit is complete. So sister better Make It Work, and fast, because right now the draped version looked like some kind of super heroine costume from a direct to discount bin DVD. The kind where the words never quite sync up to the mouth movements, and you wonder if the whole thing started out in Chinese.
Christina was just finishing up some pinning as two fisted Pia arrived, brandishing a few bottles of vino and still nursing a bad attitude. Even though there were piles of red Solo cups on the counter, Christina dirtied a few more glasses so they could get fancy while they dissed on Nora.
Pia firmly believed that Nora wanted Renee to hate Pia, and that is why she looked down her Barbie snoot at Pia for stripping. The evening’s Classic MobLine #1 came out around this point somewhere when Pia explained that she doesn’t take her clothes off completely, which implied that there are various levels of stripperdom or something.
I’m not really well versed in stripper etiquette, but according to the Magic Mike trailers I thought you always needed something for the dollar bills to slip into or you wouldn’t make any money. Or maybe as long as the left pastie stays stuck on, that also counts.
I don’t know. I need to cash in my coin rolls and do some research before I hand out any false information.
Pia also let Nora’s secret stripping past out of the bag to Christina, who had quite a Walmart chuckle over that one and then sewed a tube sock onto her yoga dress.
Across town, Nora was trying to regain her own focus and get to the bottom of her Dad’s mystery burial.
A few weeks back, she and Pia and the dirty Kia (…sounds like a Dr. Seuss book, I know…) had made a little bit of progress when they dropped by the funeral home. The director had let Nora know that another family member had given the thumbs up to bury Dad without any fanfare, but Nora was not 100% certain who you would actually find in the ground if you popped the lid.
On my short list of Worst Jobs Ever, which already includes some pretty nasty ones involving sticky peep show floors and people’s mouths, the Death Record Lady is the newest addition.
That poor thing. Can you imagine that job? Or what a downer she must be at cocktail parties?
Nora managed to get her on the phone, but didn’t get very far since the records are now private. The other family members had them sealed up at the same they dumped the body off, and now nobody can get to the files.
The Lady of Death also explained that the only way to get the body exhumed was to get a judge to approve the John Deere backhoe, or to get the entire family to agree to turn the graveyard into a construction site.
I’m sure the exasperated voice on the other end of the phone also wanted to explain to NutWad Nora that it was called “exhume” not “resume,” but she probably let that one go due to the sensitive nature of the conversation. The HR manual probably says something about correcting stupid people in their time of grief.
I, on the other hand, haven’t screamed out a word that loudly at my own television set since the idiot on Wheel of Fortune who couldn’t figure out Benihana Restaurant.
Gah. Spell it out, for chrissakes.
You exhume a body. You resume your meds.
As Nora pushed the Death Record Lady into an early retirement, I also couldn’t help but notice the stack of textbooks on her table. They even had “Used” stickers on them, like when you buy books off a truck in the college commons during graduation week.
Is our girl going to school? The plot thickens.
One of my favorite eagle eyed readers also noticed, and stole my joke before I even had time to use it. It was going to be something about a community college non-credit course on English as a Second Language, and it was going to be HIGHsterical.
But she ruined it. So forget it.
(She still gets credit though. She’s a hoot.)
Since we know them Mob Wives like to nosh, next we were off to the bakery with Leah and Renee for some pastries and caffeine.
The scene itself was pretty uneventful, but it involved Leah, so that’s major. She was her usual goombalicious self, and that just made me love her more.
(Side note to the United States Patent Office. I invented the word Goombalicious, so please do not use it on tee shirts without paying me a bazillion dollars. Leah may be eligible for a monetary split if we can work things out over whatever pie they had up there in the display case. It looked Goombadelish!)
The only other point worth noting is that Renee still can’t say espresso without making it sound like someone who fights alongside Wolverine.
I’ll have an X-presso and the Power of Invisibility, please.
Renee also can’t seem to say anything nice to her Starbucks boyfriend Dave Giangrande over at Eye Candy Optics, because the next day she was all up in his grill.
Working and living with the same person was having just the results you would expect from a 24/7 relationship. Styling in his shirt with the Burberry collar lining…which either means he couldn’t afford the full-on plaid shirt or this one was a knock off from Marshall’s…poor Dave got clobbered from every angle as soon as Renee walked into the eye glass shop. Even the arrival of a shaky customer just trying to prevent the onset of early blindness couldn’t stop her from swearing at Dave.
Renee wanted Dave to be a silent partner. As in shut the f*** up partner.
I just wanted to know what was out on the sidewalk that was so captivating, because the dude never took his eyes off the front window. I’m thinking maybe one of those Suicide Prevention Hotline billboards or something, because that poor guy doesn’t stand a chance with ‘Roid Rage Barbie.
Nora wants to become a wine maker. Kinda like Bethany Frankel. Only crazier.
There’s no easy, smooth transition into this one, so let’s just go with it.
To honor her MIA father Frank “The German” Schweihs, and to take away any residual Nazi or Mob or Schnitzel stigma from the word “German,” Nora hoped to create the next big wine. And what better way to get the ball rolling than with a course in wine making, right?
Nora and her BFF Desiree hit up the BevArt Brewery to sharpen up their vino skills, where she got to squish wine bags like human organs and give us MobLine #2 for the week. (Actually #3 if you count all that exhume/resume hysteria.)
Nora was going to create a wine for people with class, respect, honor and dignity…people like the Kennedys and Sponge Bob and blah blah blah.
And then they will see that the Legend Still Stands Known.
What does that even mean? I swear Nora needs to come with her own Mob Wives DeCoder ring. It’s gonna take a few more used textbooks before this batch of wine is fully aged, if you get my drift.
Then it was back to the gym to burn off all that booze.
Pia and her BFF Kamila revisited the scene of last week’s crime and jumped on the treadmill while they waited for my girl Leah to show up.
Yes, now that you mention it, this episode was chock full of new and old BFFs simply coming out of the woodwork. It must have been Take Your BFF To Work Day at VH1.
Kamila was a PYT (…pretty young thing…der…) and looked like she could easily be a video dancer or one of those girls who always get kicked off The Apprentice on the first week. You know she has a stack of head shots and business cards with her at all times. Girlfriend knew how to work the treadmill…and the cameras.
Did you play the drinking game and take a shot every time Kamila showed up in the scenes for the rest of this episode? If you did, you’re not reading this right now.
When Leah finally showed up in her studded cuff gym attire…Love Her…she got right to filing her nails while the other girls walked backwards on their treadmills.
Now backin’ dat thang up is really good for all your stripper trunk junk, but they really should have plugged the equipment in before they started. Does anyone ever sweat at that gym?
Finally it was time for Christina’s party. BYOBFF.
Leah showed up at Christina’s house to prep armed with more clothes and supplies than Kate Winslet took on the Titanic, and that made Christina do another Walmart woof. By the time the two of them both crammed into the bathroom to slap on their war paint, it looked like backstage at the Tony Awards, only Leah’s eyeshadow was brighter.
Nora and yet another BFF Debbie were also enroute to the party. Nora was using the time to remove her crazy face and put on her game face before she ran into Renee.
Everyone except Renee, who seems to make a habit out of bitching people out and being fashionably late, finally made it to the club in one piece, but that didn’t last for long.
Like a swarm of Mean Girls in the school cafeteria, Pia glared at Nora as Christina egged everybody to talk it out. Well, mostly Pia. Because it was almost like they forgot Nora was two seats down for a few moments as they blatantly spoke ill of her craziness.
Much like the Virgin Mary, Nora suddenly claimed to have gotten food poisoning even though no munchies had actually entered her body. It was either the smell from the kitchen, or Renee’s perfume as she and her BFF Crystal entered up the staircase.
Either way, they crossed paths for a brief second the way everyone used to do on Scooby-Doo when they’d pass back and forth in the hallways between open doors, and then Nora jumped in a cab and took off with one of the BFFs.
Long story short(er)…Christina took a Walmart 15 and called Nora back to the club while she had a butt with Leah. Leah was all, like, What The Goombata? and had no patience for the whole hot mess.
By the time Nora showed back up at the club, the sun had gone down and Renee was just waiting to pounce.
Ring the bell and Let the Bitch Fight begin. Renee and Nora went at it right away, quickly followed by Pia tag teaming on Nora, which gave Kamila some prime camera time to strike a pose. Werk.
There were so many MobLines I lost count. You really need to just call in sick from work and watch your DVR to fully appreciate the awesomeness of the spectacle.
Wherever it is in the Land of TV that they store the Book that records all the best Reality TV crazy wives lines ever, next to “Close Your Legs” and “Fix Your Face” they can now add “Where’re Your Balls?” and “Not In Your Mouth” to the list.
I swear. They said it. Even Leah was speechless.
Pia high fived Nora’s face. Then Renee wanted in on some of that.
Then out of nowhere Nora blurted out that Renee’s father molested her everyday.
Say it with me: What The Goombata? True or false, you just…you just don’t, lady.
Boom goes the dynamite. Next thing you knew, everyone was everywhere, pulling hair and kitty scratching and getting (bleeped) out while those same two Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis look-a-likes dropped down from somewhere in the ceiling and tried to break up the pig pile.
I was waiting for Kamila to walk in front of everyone wearing a bikini, carrying a Fight Card with her contact info at the bottom.
Let’s get ready to rumble, bitches…and call me, maybe?
Yeah. It got ugly in Chi Town tonight.