Misconduct

Inappropriate behavior was all that I had known. Growing up I was surrounded by porn and lust. Perversion became the normality. I was embarrassed by the moments were such conduct was frowned upon by society. Truth be told I was unaware of the terms and limitations of what was defined as being ’sociably acceptable’.So here goes the moments of shameful events that I have never spoken of.

The first one occurred in the church. It was the normal sunday morning service when I found my best friend and was with exciting news. We meet in the hallway as I lifted up my shirt to show her… I was abruptly interrupted by a deacon who pulled me aside and scolded me. I was so terrified and ashamed of her reaction, I really did not know that being exposed was not what normal people did.

That was just the first of instances with said best friend. The second one would occurred in the instance when she told a joke and I would slap her inappropriately. Instead of confronting me about how normal people did not do this, she told her mom who told my mom that it made her uncomfortable.

The worst childhood embarrassment was in middle school science class. The girl cheerleaders were already viciously brutal to me because I was your typical nerd. I didn’t groom myself well or dress well. The signs of neglect and uncared were ever-present. No one ever taught me how to shower myself or brush my teeth or wash my hands. I was born into a world that didn’t want me and left me to figure everything out for myself.

This particular summer day I had gone to school feeling particularly sick and in pain. I was having a hard time sitting still in my seat because I was aching. I stuck my hand in my pants as a normal reaction. The next thing I knew one of the little girls spread a rumor that I was fingering myself in class… I hated myself for it. I did not understand what was wrong with me and why I would do these stupid things.

In high school the promiscuous acts continued but in a greater volume. I went through a time were I was really sexually confused about my identity. I would go to wild parties with friends who did not care about me and get as drunk as possible to numb the repressed memories. When I drank I would make out with as many girls and boys alike for attention, as that was the only way I knew to do so. When things escalated beyond that I would not know how to say no to it.

The truth will set you free amidst the cayos of mind. I have been holding all these memories of shame deep within myself and they have been eating away at my conscience. Dare to speak of the things left unspoken and forgive yourself today.

What secrets are you holding onto?

stay strong my friends<3 you are not alone.