Guest Post by Susan Newman, PhD and author of Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day
Holidays—and every day–are great opportunities to pile on the memories. With very little effort, and often no effort at all, so many memories create themselves.
Yet most of us, whether we are parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles, get caught up in the idea of presenting picture perfect celebrations, events or activities. We hope to turn them into cherished remembrances of the day and of us. That trap wastes adults’ time and energy, and can take away a lot of the fun for the children.
The strange thing about any get-together or event—Christmas dinner with all the relatives or a child’s birthday party—generally isn’t how beautiful the tree or birthday cake looked. What children and those in attendance remember is the dog in the corner quietly chewing on someone’s brand new slipper or the birthday cake that was lopsided or had a strange color frosting because someone added too many drops of food coloring to the icing mix.
Whether it is Valentine’s Day or Halloween, the mishaps or quirky things that happen are more likely to be stored in the children’s and whole family’s memory bank to be recalled and laughed about for years to come.
Nonetheless, certain rituals and traditions play a role in creating positive recollections. They too, are a major part of growing up: the mistletoe hanging over the doorway (and the kisses that go with it), for instance. You might put candy kisses next to your child’s cereal bowl on Valentine’s Day or bring home cupcakes with shamrocks in the frosting every St. Patrick’s Day every year. Or, save and bring out holiday decorations made each year in school or together at home. When children are young adults, they will still want to see the ornaments they made in second grade or carry on the tradition of decorating gingerbread houses.
As I discuss in Little Things Long Remembered, whether you have five minutes, half an hour, or the whole afternoon, when trying to build memories go for the simple, the mundane. Don’t try too hard. Choose games your children love and you like well enough to play often; make it a point to sit down without electronic devices and play. You’ll be amazed at what you can learn about your kids when you do. Reserve one night a week for a few hours to be together as a family—call it family game night or movie night. Invite other relatives to join you.
A happy memory could be of an aunt or uncle who bakes bread or makes pizza with nieces and nephews once a month. It is the repetition that turns the most ordinary event into something special and an important part of a child’s life. A recent study from Harvard confirmed my longtime belief and my own findings that the simple, mundane and ordinary — not dazzling, over-the-top trips or hugely expensive gadgets — are what people remember most fondly. Small parcels of time well spent shape long-lasting memories that are the backbone of family unity and the glue that holds families together.
In other words, the ordinary frequently becomes extraordinary…and that is something all of us need to keep in mind when we are trying too hard for perfection. You don’t know exactly which “little thing” will have the most impact and be what children look for and ultimately remember. So try many, relax, and see what sticks. You will be pleasantly surprised.
Susan Newman is a social psychologist and parenting expert focusing on issues related to raising children and family relationships. She is a contributor to Psychology Today magazine where she writes about parenting and is the author of 15 books on family concerns, most recently, Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day. For more information or to connect with Susan visit her website | Twitter | Facebook