Growing up as an only child in an abusive household, the thought of being alone paralyzes me with fear. When I am alone there is no one to protect me from the unspeakable. No one around to hear my screams, so I quit screaming. I lost the fight and quit feeling.
As an adult i have thrived off the life of the party. A place where I have been accepted and never have to be alone. A sad world of faces going no where, where I don’t have to feel because we medicate together. I found a boy to fill the void of closeness my little heart desires, yet he is ever like my narcissistic father. I have surrounded myself with death in an attempt to escape facing my own self hate.
I feel a lot of rage against men and religious people. I feel like religious people sit on there high horse, looking down there noses on my sins and judge me. They said that it was my fault… as my father assaulted me my whole childhood. All the while he pretends to be a good church going man. It makes me sick to my stomach at the thought. I just wanted to find a safe place to be honest about the pain I feel and instead they snare and spread ugly words while smiling in my face.
Recently I have been drifting away from the life of party. I drift alone, which is a dis-comfortable place I find in my mind. A place that is dark and uncovered. This place is the truth that is blacked out from childhood trauma. I find many tears here and little sleep here. I find it hard to function in social situation as a war rages in my mind. Loneliness is a place where I meet myself. I search for who I was and who I am here in the silence. I am face to face with my rage I was never allowed to express.
It is OK to feel today
it is OK to speak
you are not alone xoxo
take care