When I have a particularly bad parenting week I’m always quick to be extremely hard on myself . I’ve failed as a mother. Surely they will have emotional issues in their adult years.
Maybe they will only remember me in my bad moments. The moments when I step on a hot wheels trying to cook a meal, or maybe they will only remember me falling asleep in their beds as I say their prayers. Maybe they will only remember me loosing my cool when they relentlessly get out of their beds at nap time.
But maybe not. Maybe they will remember the good things about the woman that carried them for nine months, and loves them like no other person can.
That person is me. Flawed , impatient, unorganized , me.
This week was extremely difficult for me physically. There were times when I questioned my ability to be a good mother. To be present physically. But a walk with my children this evening brought tears to my eyes and hope into my heart.
With my youngest in a stroller and the two older ones by my side, we set out to take a walk. Rhema (3) asked to be ” the momma” and started pushing Adah along. It didn’t take long before she began to talk like a Momma.
” Momma, let’s pretend I’m the Momma and you’re the kid. Ok?”
” sure ! “
We walked along and I jokingly said , being the kid…
” I’m hungry mom! Do you have any food?”
Rhemas response was a sweet and quiet as ever.
” No honey, but we will be home in 20 hours. We have food there. Just sit quietly.”
Her timing was off, and I was grateful. For it gave me a good giggle. In this pattern I started noticing how quiet and loving she was to my every childish question.
” can I have a snack? I just ate my dinner!”
” no honey, we just ate dinner. If you want anything you have to eat the rest of your dinner.”
Asher sped by on his bike, laughing along at Rhema’s answers.
” She sounds like you Momma!”
She sounds like me? Impatient , uptight, winded me? Surely not. They must see me as a bear in a zoo cage.
As we walked back to the house the sun was setting and so was my body. Bed time was close but as I walked further I felt a wave of acceptance from my children.
In a few days span where I felt so far away from my Heavenly Father, so disconnected from my children and my life I was in fact so present.
I was present because He that is in me never leaves me.
And even on my worst days, days when I feel like all they see is a yeller and a punisher, they don’t see me that way.
And when it’s time to play ” Momma”, they will play me on my best days. The smiles and laughter and fun. The extra kisses at bedtime and ice cream dates . The arts and crafts and kind words.
Because that’s how they see me. Un flawed and loving. Because they have a solid foundation of my love for them, and few crap days doesn’t change that.