I haven’t done a Let’s Get Translatin’ post in a while, so I thought I’d bring it back. For those new to the series, what I do is take a bunch of well-known movie quotes, lines or monologues and I spin them through a complex set of translations and then back to English again, with often hilarious results. Here’s this week’s selection:
“I’ve been around this block twice now. Looking for something. A clue. I’ve been looking for clues and something led me back here. Yeah. So here I am. It could have been me, the one who was at Ringo’s place when the shit went down. Hey. I know how it is. I’ve been there. We’ve all done bad things. We’ve all had those guilty feelings in our heart. I’m going to take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. I don’t know. But I’m going to have to settle this. First we’re going to check the hole and see what we can find. We’re going to get nice and wet, and you’re going to spread your legs. Oh, that’s good. So you know me. You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load, I don’t treat you gently. That’s right. I’m Brock Landers. So I’m going to be nice. So I’m going to be nice. So I’m going to be nice, I’m going to ask you one more time. Where the fuck is Ringo? I am a star. I’m a star, I’m a star, I’m a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That’s right.” — Boogie Nights translated into:
“And twice this block. When searching. Index. I go back to something here to look for clues. Yes, I’m here. Since Apple has become a city shit. Hello. I know what it is. I was there. This is completely wrong. We had a sense of guilt in all our hearts. We offer clean and wash and wash your way around. No, but you have to do with it. First, look at the hole you can see what you find. Let the good and wet, and her legs spread. Well, well. I know. I know that your business reputation. Difficulty carrying 33 inches, do not take it seriously. That’s right. Brock Landers in the morning. So, I’m fine. So, I’m fine. So, I’m fine, I still wonder. Where the hell celebrities for Apple? I’m famous, I’m a star, my star. They are big, but my bright star shines. That’s right.”
“We’re taking pictures like we’re a couple. Like we like each other. Like we’re husband and wife, and we span time together. We span time together as a couple, cos we’re a loving couple, spanning time. These photos are us, in love, spanning time.” — Buffalo ’66 translated into:
“We want to take some pictures. When we love drugs. Me and wife to spend time together. We are a loving couple to pay for the time since we spent together as a couple. These images will be renewed in love.”
“I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists!” — Blazing Saddles translated into:
“I am a thief, murderer, murderers, bounty hunters, desperate dog, cup, insects, bats, cucumbers, crazy, crazy, snakes, snipers against Indian agents, Mexican thieves, aggression, Twitter, Bushwhackers, but the thief of cattle on horseback to the coast, steal trains, bank robbery, just for fun ass shit back and Methodists!”
“Now the guy’s got Paulie as a partner. Any problems, he goes to Paulie. Trouble with the bill? He can go to Paulie. Trouble with the cops, deliveries, Tommy, he can call Paulie. But now the guy’s gotta come up with Paulie’s money every week, no matter what. Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning, huh? Fuck you, pay me.” — Goodfellas translated into:
“Partners and boys. No problem, go to Paulie. Edition account? Customers can go to Paulie. Police, distribute, Tommy, Paulie questions. Paulie has found the money for all, now, something happens. Evil? They pay me shit. Oh, there was no fire, Fuck me, pay me. The area struck by lightning, huh? They pay me shit.”
“Say what again. Say what again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time!” — Pulp Fiction translated into:
“I repeat. Welcome back, double dare, hedges, such as devil sauce.”
“What are ya thinkin’ about? Ya keep lookin’. Where the fuck you going? You’re dead! You’re married! You’re a married man, it’s all over. Leave the young girls for me.” — Raging Bull translated into:
“What are your views on whether to continue the search? Where the hell? You are dead! And married! You are a married dead man. Leave me the young girls.”
“I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everybody’s out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel’s worth, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there’s nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there’s no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV’s while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We know things are bad – worse than bad. They’re crazy. It’s like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don’t go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, ‘Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won’t say anything. Just leave us alone.’ Well, I’m not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don’t want you to protest. I don’t want you to riot – I don’t want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn’t know what to tell you to write. I don’t know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad. You’ve got to say, ‘I’m a HUMAN BEING, God damn it! My life has VALUE!’ So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’ I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell – ‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad!… You’ve got to say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Then we’ll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: “I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!”" — Network translated into:
“No, I tell you it’s wrong. Do you know someone who has bad things. A depression. Left work, lose their jobs, the bank has purchased, not the owner of the gun under the counter currency. Punk broke, do not know where and what to do and no end. A good air to breathe, unfit for human consumption and food production and local speakers, and if not, then today we had a brutal murder on 15 and 63 tell us, if you know that sitting in front of the television. Worse than bad – we know that things are bad things. You are crazy. Mad as all wherever they are. Sitting at home in this world, is gradually reduced, and everything we say, comes into the room, at least we do. I left the steel plant radial and not my bread and my TV does nothing for me. We strive to live in peace. Now, do not leave you alone. I like crazy! You do not complain. I do not Riot – I do not think I write, I can not write to the MP. I do not know what to do with inflation and Russia and crime on the streets and depression. Just know that you must be crazy. Damn, I must say, my friend! My life is worth? So, go ahead. I want every one of the chairs. I got up to go to the window. Open, head and screaming that I was mad as hell, and I do not remember! Now, sitting, walking towards the window, opening, if you keep your head and shout – I’m mad as hell, and it is not fun! Everything has changed. But first, bad! … I must say that hell is wrong, and can I have another! Then we can decide what to do with the oil crisis and inflation and depression. But first, an open window, rose from his chair, said the head with a stick and yelled that I was too angry, and I will!”
“Sorry! My Prada’s at the cleaners! Along with my hoodie and my ‘fuck you’ flip-flops, you pretentious douchebag!” — The Social Network translated into:
“Sorry! I’m cleaning Prada! Testicles fucking my shoes and sneakers!”
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Hope you found those at least mildly funny. There will be another one of these every other week, hopefully.