I sat down to write this blog post last night. You know when tears are literally falling onto the keyboard, you should probably stop.
Aside from the day I lost Jude, yesterday was the hardest. Actually now that I think about it, it was even harder. Reflecting over a year of grief, tears, anger and trauma , I wept for the little life I love. The little boy that has impacted my life in so many ways just by his brief stay in my womb.
Looking back I wouldn’t have wanted him to leave me any other way. The Lord was gracious to tell me he had to go, he wouldn’t survive in this life for very long. It was his goodness that lead him into heaven that night. When I felt his spirit leave me, in that moment I knew the worst of the pain was over. I could breathe.
But, the pain meant he was still within me. I hated the comfort of the pain relief. I wanted his labor to last longer, for it to be stronger, for it to hurt more. I wanted the physical pain to match the emotional. But it didn’t.
He started leaving me that morning, so I had all day with him. Talking to him, hugging my middle where he was. I knew it wouldn’t be long before he left. As strange as it sounds I felt joy that day. I celebrated a life that we created in love. We weren’t even trying, he was a surprise blessing. The son that I would love fiercely , but have to wait to hold when I enter heavens gates.
Until then I can see him, sometimes.
I had finally gotten the kids to bed, after what seemed like a day with added hours just to add pain. I’m not sure how I even walked, my body ached with grief. Every move was an effort, as I felt I was drowning in my own pool of salty tears. “Surely next year will be easier. Will I always feel this way on the 12th of June?”
Thoughts of heaven filled my mind, as I longed to be there with my son. I lit a small candle and sang to Jude, alone in my kitchen. The candle only burned for a few seconds before it went out on his own. I saw that as his life. Only a tiny flame for so long before he burnt out.
I’m so glad he did. I’m so glad he doesn’t have to grow up here, even with me. His imperfect Mom.
Where he is is perfect, and holy. There are no tears upon keyboards, and no grieving Mothers without their babies.
At the end of the day, when all I wanted to do was take a sleeping pill and forget about my life, I received a letter from my son in heaven, from a man I love and respect. God spoke through him, and told him what Jude wanted to say to me on his birthday.
It’s a very personal letter, one that I will cherish, and most likely memorize until the day I meet him. I would like to share a little piece of it. I would like to tell all the mothers that have lost their children, what great care they receive in heaven. We weep for their bodies, but their souls are flying high.
Here is a part of his letter to me:
“Mom, I want to thank you today for giving me life and remembering me. Although you didn’t get to hold me and raise me, I was blessed that I got to be your son for a short time on earth. Father hasn’t told me everything that happened, but He did say that I was sick and would have been in need of a miracle to live on earth. He said that you and daddy would have done everything that you could to help me. He said that the devil has been defeated, but he still tries to hurt people on the earth. He said that He healed your body fast and made you strong again.”
“Mom, you should see this place! It’s amazingly beautiful! Everywhere has life and light coming out of it! There are plants, animals, trees, oceans, and mountains! Father said you liked the beach, so I went there the other day. We made things in the sand and played in the water. A fish came up to me and smiled at me. The fish could talk! It said that daddy went to the ocean and caught his friends. It said that on the earth people liked to catch fish, so I think when I am bigger I will try that.
“When I came here, Father showed me a place that He made just for me. There were other boys and girls there, too. All of us live together in a big place with bunk beds. I have friends who sleep near me. One boy named Billy sings songs for everybody when we go to sleep. He is from Kansas and said he came here when his mommy died on earth in a car accident. Like me, he said he didn’t get to grow up on earth.
There are special people who take care of us and help us learn and play. Some are angels but some are people who are really good at taking care of children. One of the angels named Celeste has blond hair. She said that you have blond hair. My hair is blond and curly. Celeste sings songs to us about Father and how to live here in the Kingdom. Everyday we learn new things. The songs help us remember. Everybody here is nice.
Next week we have a big dinner where people from all over the Kingdom will come together. We had one last year, but I was too little to go. This year, we will show others what we’ve learned. A lady named Nancy has been teaching us the special things that we will do and say. Everybody here is nice and smiles a lot.”
and:
“Thank you, mommy for loving me and thinking about me so much!”
The letter was a personal conformation of things I had seen, and felt from the Holy Spirit. It was a great comfort for me to have ” heard ” from him, directly from God.
Jesus is our great comfort in the midst of grief and pain, He never leaves us in a place of pain, it’s his great pleasure to walk us out of the wilderness.
This morning I was experiencing a ” crying hangover” . You know the deal, where your eyes hurt so much from sobbing that Tylenol is needed to function. The Lord gave me this verse to make a smile form:
Deuteronomy 2:7
” The Lord your God has blessed everything you have done, and watched your every step through this wilderness.”
That He has.
In tribute to my beloved son Jude.