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As I sit here and write this, my eyes are swollen and my heart is aching. I was up most of the night crying and although it should be due to the fact that I have a newborn that doesn't sleep, it was not. She actually sleeps pretty well but that's a story for another day…
We've all seen vague Facebook statuses and blog posts before and although I'd like to say we've all done it, I'm not sure that we have. But I have, and I will be the first to admit that. Usually, it's in the form of song lyrics or some quote that I love and it just speaks for me when I can't find the words myself.
And that's how I feel today. Although I wish I could sit here and pour my heart out and explain to you all what's been going on and why I feel the way I do, I just can't. And you can hate me for it and say "why waste your time writing something when you aren't going to tell us what's going on?" But that's why I write. I write because I suffer from anxiety and writing seems to relieve some of that stress when I have no other way or no other idea how to do so. Once I get things on paper (or in this case my computer), I feel relieved. That somehow, writing the words and visualizing them makes it easier to deal with whatever is going on.
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Although today, I don't see that being the case.
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So I'm turning to quotes. Quotes that remind me that everything will be okay, one way or another. That I'm stronger than I think I am. That I'm a damn good wife and mother and I deserve to be treated that way. That people are going to let me down and that I have to decide whether to give them another chance or go my own way.{via}
So I apologize for the vague post but this white space here is somehow a comfort to me in times like this. As I stare at this screen through my swollen eyes and see the reflection of my mascara stained face, I know that I'm doing the best I can at being me. That I give 110%. I love those around me. I'm being the best me and at the end of the day, God knows that. I'm not an overly religious person and even though I don't talk about the Big Guy on here often, I trust him and know that there's a plan for every hardship I face and every curveball that comes my way.
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I've always been a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason." I've dealt with bullshit before and I know I'll have to deal with it again. But for now, I'll keep on truckin' because what else is there to do?