by Cenk Matalon
Shame, Guilt, and True Responsibility <3"><3"><3
Every now and again I hear fellow meditators shame each other for “still” craving certain things.
In a tradition that makes a virtue out of equanimity and detachment (for good reasons) the added shaming among students and the guilt created in the one being shamed does much more damage than (if any) good.
Don’t get me wrong, I too am guilty of this.
I observed myself and others in such situations. There’s usually two ways these conversations go:
Ashley and Adam will be our role players here.
In the first scenario, Ashley might be faced with shaming while indulging in a bag of chips right after completing a ten day course. As this is happening Adam (the one shaming Ashley) is often clearly wanting to eat chips too. Adam usually feels even guilty of his desire and without the willingness to admit how much he would love to have some, he goes ahead and shames Ashley by saying something like “What!? You just completed a course!”
Does Ashley really, truly “need” the shaming? She is already clearly working on her self.
The second scenario goes like this: Ashley goes ahead and still indulges in the bag of chips.
While she is having the best time of her life.. Adam sees the act and says “Oh my God! Those are so delicious! But I don’t think I’ll have any, although it’s hard to resist.”
Often times they both have a laugh about this which alleviates the shame Ashley could already be feeling on her own. Ashley not only receives permission about something she is already doing, she also feels supported (instead of shamed) and joins with someone else in humor and in the fact that hey this might be craving, but I can also laugh at myself for doing it.
Because truly it is not a big deal.
The first scenario ignores and trashes the selfcompassion we so desperately need if we will (ever) be craving free 24/7. The second unites us in our humanness, creates space for us to be OK with not being perfect and makes an opportunity for humor out of our craving.
This was just a tiny scenario. What if the shamer (in this case Adam) is actually the Assistant Teacher?
Now things get a bit messy and more complicated here mainly because this kind of thing
happens more often than we might think.
And before I say more about this I want to clarify something to minimize the misunderstanding that can arise from this conversation:
We all do it. To expect that we will never ever shame ourselves or others is childish. To accept this and be open to feedback is not childish and in fact is necessary if we are to serve with wisdom and humility.
Assistant teachers are human too. And we are all oh so messed up.. and that’s OK.
What is NOT OK is to let each other off the hook too easily. I don’t think pretending like some things don’t exist helps us. We must be vigilant (not rude, not selfrighteous)
in helping each other see our blind spots without making a virtue out of calling each other out on our not so enlightened behaviours.
If we are to ever be awakened I believe this is how it needs to be.
Next time I see an assistant teacher shame me or anyone else, it is my responsibility to activate my compassion for all parties involved so that more and more blind spots can be brought into the light of awareness and self and othercompassion.
There is a big difference between the scenarios above and the scenario with Adam being the Assistant Teacher: It is potentially easier for students to let each other know about such not so helpful behaviours one way or another. It is potentially pretty tough for a teacher to be made aware of such behaviours.
And such behavior among peers might be a lot less harmful compared to when the shaming (however subtle) comes from the teacher.
And this is exactly why we, as students, should in fact serve them by pointing out such instances where there might be shaming involved. For a teacher, it may not be very easy to see that in themselves.
Whether as teachers or as students we are all in this together and if we are not there for each other when we so desperately need compassionate feedback, are we really serving each other in the best way we can?