Right now I feel like everything is my fault and kinda feel selfish but I need to protect my kids what the hell am I meant to do there is stress and pressure from every angle and I cant take it all. I don’t want to lose his kids but I don’t want mine fucked up. I knew everyone should have stayed away from me im nothing but trouble and fuck absolutely everything up.
I knew it was all too good to be true a nice little family planning a wedding having some form of life but yet again it was all just some twisted fantasy and I have woken up yet again. I cant afford to let myself feel so yes I appear to be a cold heartless selfish little bitch, but maybe that is the real me. How am I meant to know when I don’t know if I really exist or not.
I don’t know what part of me is the real me all I know is there is so many of me and its so confusing the more I try to figure out how or what I am the worse it gets.
Am I this strong fighter that wants to do right or am I the one that fights for the wrong reasons the mean nasty selfish horrible one that takes pleasure in others pain but there is some form of guilt so im not sure if that’s it either. Am I really vulnerable or do I pretend to be?
Am I messed up or am I normal?
Do I care or don’t I?
Am I just like that twisted cow? Am I fighting that or not really? Am I trying or have I given up? I don’t even know how the hell I feel or how im even meant to feel so what the fuck?
I feel like its all my fault everything and that everyone is blaming me or at least should be but is that the truth? Do I even know what truth is im not really that sure to be honest. I no longer know the difference between truth and things I make up. I don’t even know if or what I have made up?
Is anything real or not?
I laugh as I write this and im not even sure why but the evil part of me tells me who cares anyway just carry on your doing a great job ruining everything anyway so does it really matter its not like you can do any better do you even want to?
Why don’t you just walk out on everyone?
Yes I love my boys I think anyway it makes me cry to think that I might not so? Is it I cant handle the responsibility or is it just that you are selfish and don’t want it? Does anyone have any idea what it is like to doubt and second guess everything? Or are you still just being twisted?
Can anyone offer advice to this mom who is in need of support?