Then again, it would be unfair to label myself as a mean and bad-tempered person, the kind who tramples on kittens, who lashes out physical abuse if someone bumps into her, who smashes vases, tables, chairs during a fight, who starts a cold war and refuses to talk for as-long-as-she-deems-fit, who has to have the last word in an argument and the word "Sorry" doesn't exist in her dictionary.
It's amazing how Angel brings out the best in me, but yet also the worst in me.
I see myself giving praise and sweet hugs much more than before; yet I also flare up and scold more than I like to think I do.
I see myself becoming braver than I could ever imagine; but at the same time I also become fearful, I'm scared of losing her, scared of hurting her and scared of failing to protect her as a mom.
I see myself smiling and laughing countless times every day; yet I also sulk and frown more easily than before, I get upset when my girl refuses to eat, refuses to sleep or refuses to hold my hand on the streets.
Yes, it's one of those emo nights when I feel that I need to reflect upon myself and think of the times when I could have been a better mom.
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#1 Picking up the shit
Angel scores a perfect 10/10 when it comes to peeing in the potty, but she's having trouble pooping in it. I know that it's quite a common issue, but well, she basically loves to poop in her diapers and when she's not wearing one at home, she gets frantic and cries whenever the shit comes.
One day, we were at home and she was in her panties and pants when suddenly I saw the Mummy-I-am-gonna-shit look on her face. I quickly carried her to the potty but it was too late. She had pooped in her pants.
I chided her and reminded her on where she should do her business. She said "Potty!" and so I called it quits and went to wash the shitty pants and cleaned her up.
Lo and behold, whaddayaknow, within half an hour, SHE DID IT AGAIN.
That made me lose it and I started shouting at her. No verbal abuse, but fierce, reprimanding words of how she should not do that and have someone pick up her shit time after time. Yes, I was pretty furious. Though she was crying, I insisted that she sat on the potty and not move while I went to the toilet to clean her pants again. She surprisingly did as per told and did not follow me like I expected.
Then, when I went back to look at her in a more loving manner now that the fumes have subsided, I asked her if she still had any more poop waiting to come out.
That was when I saw that she had excreted one long piece of brown, smelly poop into the potty all by herself when I left her. I was proud, yes, but guilty. Sure, the potty did work out but I also left my girl alone when she was afraid, crying and all she wanted by her side was mommy.
Lesson learnt: I need more patience, to never leave her when she's scared, to never let her think that she has to face the world alone, even if she's in deep shit.
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#2 It's mine, it's mine!
I guess it's typical for kids to claim ownership of things they like, even if they really don't belong to them.
Two days ago, I bought some glass beads in wanting to make a bracelet as a gift for a friend. Judging from how Angel loves beads and all things small and round, it wasn't a surprise that she ended up loving the bracelet and insisted it was for her, even though I had explicitly told her it wasn't.
Ended up we had a small fight over it and snatched the bracelet from each other. Obviously, I won and she ended up crying again. This time round, she cried till she puked. I didn't think it was right for me to give in to her just so to pacify her, nor did I bear to let her cry so much so I told her I would get another set and make one just for her. Which didn't really work because at this point, nothing would.
Eventually, she calmed down and fell asleep. Me, I felt so bad and kept thinking what I should have done. The next day, she spotted the bracelet again and amazingly told me "This is for yi-yi (auntie)" and even said "Later I give her".
Lesson learnt: I need more patience, to not let my moment of anger blind me and to never engage in any kind of fights with my girl, even snatching, but to spend more time explaining, because she really gets it.
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#3 Now you can, now you can't!
Last night, I was making formula milk for Angel when she ran up, all eager to help. Nowadays, she loves to scoop up the milk powder and put it into the milk bottle, which given her less than perfect aiming, usually creates a mess and ends up wasting precious milk powder. So I try to avoid letting her scoop it but allow her to help in other ways like holding the bottle, closing the powder box etc.
The thing was, she insisted so much on taking the scoop and when I didn't give it to her, she snatched it forcefully away from me and made a mess, which made me unhappy and I beat her hand. Which was something I regretted because jw and I have said before we won't beat our kids unless absolutely necessary.
Hearing the commotion, the hubby came out and said "Dear, Angel is just confused because just now I let her scoop the powder." Which made me regret the beating even more. Of course she would be muddled up if one moment Daddy lets her do it, then Mummy comes and say no, she shouldn't do it.
Thankfully she forgot about the beating and came to hug me to sleep, as always. It's just that for me, some things ain't so easily forgotten.
Lesson learnt: I need more patience, to be willing to talk more calmly and nicely, to take more effort in understanding her behavior before jumping to a conclusion.
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Sometimes, I do wish patience could be bought when my head is about to split and I feel like ripping off all my hair. But then again, it would be pointless, would it? Parenthood is a journey to learn, to gain and to discover.
If anything, patience has to be earned and that's why this is such a gratifying and rewarding journey. I'll just have to work doubly hard from now.