When Amu started to think about herself over a long walk on an empty road, she wondered what should she feel about the human being she has become or a human being she had made of herself. Several things she was born into and several things she chose to step into came to her mind. Many a time there was no reconciliation between the two. Often she had been confused, how she should react to it.
People boast about their ancestors "My grandfather had a palatial house..." "My mother runs a company..." so on and so forth. Unfortunately Amu always found herself on the wrong side of the history. She had quite a comfortable childhood, her mother was a respectable person in the society. But when she dug deeper, probably there were several people who paid for her mother to become the person she was. She was a daughter of a feudal land lord. He must have tormented quite a few people to amass the wealth he had. Amu wondered how she should accept the fact that her grand father was not someone she could be proud of, she didn't really know how to react to it. She ignored it and moved on. But she couldn't, her mother being a part of the feudal background was a staunch follower of the caste system. I like my mother, I respect her because she is my mother but how do I forgive her for what she has done. As a matter of fact I would hate her as a person if I was not born to her, She thought. But is this the right way to judge a person, how do I account to the fact that she educates several people without expecting anything in return, how do I address the fact that she has stood up and supported people and never gave up, she wondered. She again decided to move on. This time she looked at her paternal side of the family, She found it reeking with the stench of brahminism, though a rosy picture was painted by giving anecdotes of religious tolerance, she couldn't trust them. My grand mother was twenty seven years younger to my grandfather, should I call him a pedophile? Or should I say it was the time when every one was a pedophile. Should I consider him as a secular man who wrote hymns of Jesus inspite of being a staunch brahmin or should I consider it as being an influence of the colonialism, Should I forget that he too practiced caste. She again decided to move on, this time she decided to look at her grandmothers, nothing much was ever heard about them except that one was a good singer and had a very amicable personality and one probably troubled her daughters in law. How could I ignore the patriarchy that I see, how could I overlook the suppression, She couldn't ignore the chauvinism when her aunt said, " I didn't work because my brothers never allowed me. There was no need, they always looked after us.". Amu left her family behind, But can I actually leave it all behind, I have to justify I'm not a Hindu, I have to explain I don't believe in caste, I have to justify my vegetarianism is not linked to caste or because I belong to a particular family, I have to shout at the top of my voice to say that I don't belong to the oppressors, I have to tear apart to show that my identity is mine, and try really hard to not be cast in the mold set by the society, Amu talked to herself. But will I ever be free from the burden of identity, is it all so black and white. Is it a beginning if I acknowledge all the things that I'm born with and I'm ashamed of. Is it even important to do so? She walked on.