Today was quite. It absolutely flew by. No frantic calls for help. I stayed home most of the day. This morning I did go to Mom's house and just walked around. Looking for something to do. I needed to feel useful. I thought I'd be relieved today when my phone didn't ring off the hook. I thought being home would be a wonderful thing. I thought not having to correct her manic thoughts would be a nice change. I was wrong. I miss her terribly. I find myself worrying more. Are they giving her medication correctly. One should be taken with food. One should be given 3 times a day. One needs to be increased. One will help her rest but only if she isn't too manic. If she worries about Dad, she needs to be reassured in a calming manner and not spoken to like she's lost her mind. If she worries about her heart racing she needs to be reassured that she is not having a heart attack, it's just her anxiety. If her BP is high it causes her to have a terrible headache and when she gets those she needs to be reassured that she isn't having a stroke. She had so many thoughts whirling around in her mind 24/7. She loved to talk to me. She repeated herself over and over but I always listened as if it were the first time I had heard it. We talked all day and most of the nights a lot. Nightly talks were not of the best nature because she always became more frantic at night. Most nights I was intercepting the 911 calls she had made or the calls she had made to other family menbers asking them to come quick to the house because Dad had died. She is allergic to any wash powder but Tide and is so particular about her her clothes. She only wares dresses ya know. She isn't allowed hangers, so her dresses I packed her are folded in drawer. I seriously doubt they have a ironing service. She likes her back rubbed in a certain spot to relax. She has the best belly laugh on the planet. Every day I made her laugh one way or another even if it was at my own expense. I bet they won't do that there. She loves her hair fixed a certain way. She comes from a generation that still teases hair and sprays the hell outa it with Vita Net Hair Spray. Her brush, teasing comb and spray was not allowed there.
For the first time in my entire life she confided in me. My opinion mattered. She called me ALOT. She talked to me ALOT. She ask me for help. She told me she loved me and appreciated me and was sincere. She trusted me. During her good moments she told me things she'd never told me before. I'm not sure what caused the change in her, but she trusted me. She was my friend and my Mommy. How did I thank her........I betrayed her. I tricked her into getting into a car and taking her to a facility to be locked away.
She looked at me with tears rolling as they escorted her throught the double doors last night and said "Please don't do this. How could you do this to me. You tricked me. I'm done with you." I can still see her face. She was disapointed in me. I had hurt her. I've saw that face many times during my life.
When or if she ever recovers I don't think she will ever forgive me for what I done.