Well I don’t really know where to start to be honest, I’ve never spoken about it to anyone, but I want people to know that they’re not alone, because I felt so alone before I found Emma’s mums group and blog.
Credit
I was 13 and it was late November. I was walking to my boyfriend’s house, it was only a 5 minute walk from mine and it wasn’t late or too dark, just cold. I walked past a snicket and saw some guys in there, I hurried my pace without trying to slip on the ice but I heard their footsteps behind me getting faster and closer.
One guy was walking down the street towards me, I crossed the street thinking it was only a few more minutes till I got to his house. I kept walking but I was grabbed from behind, he put his hand over my mouth and pulled my hood over my face so I couldn’t see him.
He dragged me into a snicket and I heard 3 voices, I couldn’t understand what they were saying, they were speaking hushed. I tried biting his hand so I could shout but I couldn’t.
One by one the three of them took advantage of me; the pain was unbearable I can’t begin to explain it.
The last one held a knife to my throat and threatened me, if I ever told anyone they’d come after me again, but they wouldn’t leave me to live next time.
They left and I tugged my clothes back on, it was dark now and near freezing point. I was numb I didn’t know what to do. I went home and text my boyfriend saying I wasn’t well, I said to my mom that he wasn’t well so I came home, I ran myself a bath and tried scrubbing myself clean, I felt so dirty.
The month after my period hadn’t arrived (I started them when I was 10) they were like clockwork; I thought it might have been late because of the stress so I left it. Gradually I started noticing I was feeling ill and had gone off some of my favorite food. I went to boots and bought a pregnancy test. I took it in the toilets and immediately started crying.
I was 13 and pregnant with a monsters baby. I had no idea what to do, I was so scared. I couldn’t tell my mom because they’d come after me again. So I kept it to myself, unsure of what to do when I was showing or what I’d tell people. I never got that far, a couple of weeks later I woke up covered in blood with stomach pains far worse than my normal period pains. It lasted for a week roughly and I passed a lot of clots, and I knew what had happened.
I had lost my baby.
In a way I was grateful, I was 13, could give it no way of life, and I didn’t want it having a father like that. But I think about it every day.
I am 17 now and I have a gorgeous baby girl who’s nearly one. I still have flashbacks but have since moved area but I still get paranoid when I see large groups of males. You are not alone.