The world revolves around Cleethorpes. No really. As I strolled along the Marine Walk I found a plinth with those same words engraved on it, marking where the Greenwich Meridian meets the Lincolnshire coast.
When this great east-west divide was first constructed in 1884, Cleethorpes was in its splendor. By the beginning of the 19th century it had developed from a simple fishing village into a fashionable health resort. From 1863 the railway brought more people; the pier opened in 1873.
But today? As you wander around, it's clear that Cleethorpes has lost a bit of its luster. The handsome Victorian shell of the Empire Theater bustled with arcades. The statue of Dudley the Donkey looked sad indeed, as vandals had chopped off both his ears. And yet... The city does not feel lost.
Perhaps the best metaphor is the pier: initially 365 meters long, now reduced to 102 meters, but despite several setbacks it continues to flourish: the restored pavilion currently houses Papa's, said to be the largest (and best?) fish and chip shop restaurant in the world. Meanwhile, a pile of Leveling Up money regenerates the nearby Pier Gardens.
"Money is being spent," confirmed guide Emma Lingard. "But people still like to put their money in the slot machines, buy a bag of chips and sit in the gardens. I don't think Cleethorpes has ever lost its appeal.'
What is it really like?
Not bad at all. Cleethorpes is located on the south side of the Humber Estuary, with its main attraction being its grand old beach. The sands stretch for miles, backed alternately by concrete boardwalks and SSSI-listed salt marshes, although the estuary's large tidal range means everything changes in a flash. It can also be treacherous, with its deep, sucking mud, winding creeks and the fast-encroaching North Sea, which risks stranding unthinking holidaymakers. Warnings mark the coast. Keeps the view interesting.
Yes, the view. Even on a gloomy day, there were brave souls sitting on the benches and watching the world go by. They looked out at the abandoned Haile and Bull Sand Forts, built to defend the Humber during the wars, and at the ships coming and going - the Humber is one of the busiest trading rivers in the country. "People stand here fascinated by all the ships," Emma told me. "You can use Vesseltracker and see where they come from."
Watching boats, playing mini golf, inhaling sea salt and cotton candy: the simple pleasures Cleethorpes offers haven't changed much in decades. But plans are in the works.
The Cleethorpes Masterplan, drawn up in 2022, aims to create three distinct character areas along the coast to, it hopes, "provide social, leisure and entrepreneurial opportunities for a wide range of society". And this spring, plans to turn the abandoned Pleasure Island theme park (closed in 2016) into a £65 million holiday resort, with 272 lodges and two hotels, have progressed - the project is currently "pending".
What's not to like about it?
The railway created Cleethorpes. But stylish visitors also used to avoid the station area. "The north side of town was called the trippers' end because day trippers would just roll off the train and stay there," Emma said. "They had a reputation for nudity, foul language and drinking - just like today."
It's a bit messy, with a few dilapidated lots and ugly storefronts; there was a big bear and a Wonderland fair here, but these are gone. However, as I strolled down a shabby street from the station, I came across street artist Woskerski putting the finishing touches to a bright, beautiful mural on the side of the Old Vic pub. It's part of Paint the city proud a project by Grimsby-based Creative Start, which helps people in recovery rebuild their lives through creativity.
Apart from that, the town is a mix of slightly faded Victorian and quite ordinary. On St Peter's Avenue, the main shopping street, cafes and butchers came into contact with Greggs and Shoe Zone. Emma took me down a narrow alley - the kind originally built for carts - to an old tenacious house; the car park across the road was once full of tenements, but these were demolished after a cholera outbreak in the 1860s. Cholera was not good for the tourist industry.
Do this...
Visit or, better yet, stay at Humberston Fitties, in the far south of Cleethorpes. This slum with not two identical huts, hidden behind the dunes, is one of the country's remaining plots: informal camps that emerged from the end of the 19th century. Now a conservation area, the Fitties are a completely different Cleethorpes, retaining the independent spirit in which it was created.
I stayed in Little Haven (from £99pn; holidaystaycations.co.uk), a cute bungalow with white clapperboards, and got up early to watch the sunrise over the Humber. There are no ice cream vans or slot machines in sight, just a bird sanctuary and lots of beautiful sand.
Eat this...
Fish and chips. At Steels Cornerhouse (established 1946) an excellent small haddock and chips, served with bread and butter and a pot of tea, costs just £10.95. It was also served with a side of retro cheese: Bonnie Tyler and Shakin' Stevens on the stereo.
I also headed to Duffy's. Duffy Sheardown used to design racing cars. Now he makes award-winning single-origin artisan chocolate on an industrial estate in Cleethorpes.
The Honduras 72% is his personal favorite: "It's not what you expect; put it in your mouth and it changes, and then it changes again." The London Academy of Chocolate once called it the best bar in the world.
But don't do this...
The toy-like Cleethorpes Coast Light Railway began running along the coast in 1948. A classic, but quite disappointing. Admittedly, a middle-aged solo woman is not the target group, but: I could have walked faster, there was a cold wind blowing and the view was better from the footpath that runs along it.
The station supplies were much more fun, though. I poked my head into the Signal Box Inn, a converted former signal box measuring just 8 feet square that claims to be the smallest pub in the world. The older gentlemen filling the bar and the lady serving real ales behind it were surprisingly welcoming considering the limited space.
From a local
"The North Prom needs improvement - that area looks tired. But Cleethorpes is a great place to live. Sun (sometimes), sand and sea, countryside on your doorstep, really cheap property prices compared to other areas, friendly locals and everything you need without having to travel for miles." Julie Connell, Cleethorpes
From a tourist
"We were first twelve years ago and have returned several times since. Friends can be snobbish - 'oh, really, are you going to Cleethorpes?'. But it's just classic British seaside. I've been to Hawaii, Thailand, Mauritius - you wouldn't put Cleethorpes up there with Maui. But it is still a beautiful beach." Paul Adler, Watford
Get there
Cleethorpes has good rail links: the TransPennine Express runs direct from Manchester (in around 2.5 hours), via Sheffield and Doncaster - historically many visitors come from these towns. Northern trains also run to Cleethorpes from Barton-on-Humber. See destinationlincolnshire.co.uk.